I Tanked It

I'll pick up where I left off the Lane conversation. It's very long, so that's why I'm pasting it, and it's a little bit tedious in some areas, so I apologize.

So at this point, we stopped talking for a while, because I was really pissed. I mean, he just brought up some chick he's told me about before, who he very briefly dated, not even in a committed relationship, and she ended things because she took a job in Australia, and apparently he's disappointed he wasn't given the option to continue the relationship. WTF?! Like, I'm sitting here pouring my heart out, and he says he likes me, and he's not against long distance relationships, he just doesn't want that with me. Ouch. So I start to get mad, and I know I should just leave it be, and not say anything else, but I just couldn't. I'm not going to paste what I said, because it's a bit embarrassing, but I'll give you the gist. 

I asked him if he noticed any parallels between that situation and this one, and why the fuck he would even bring that up in this conversation. And he basically was like, "If you're saying you want me to ask you to move to LA so that you can say no, I'm not gonna do that."

Again, WTF?!?! Which is what I said, exactly. Like WHY would I want him to even ask me to move there if I was just gonna say no?! And he was like, "Uh duh, I wouldn't." ((Sigh))

Then it all just kinda hit me. As many boxes as he checks for me on paper, he's immature, and very self-involved right now. And that's...ok. It is, because he's 26, and basically in the same spot I was in at his age, but clearly, he is not what I'm looking for right now. He could be, in a few years, who knows? But he's been using me as his...emotional cheerleader, every time he feels shitty about himself, or lost and confused in his life, and I've been letting him, and forming this false sense of...intimacy because of that. But really, we never talk about me. Everything is always about him. And that's not ok. It's not ok in a romantic relationship, and it's not ok in a friendship. And that's why I think I did what I did. I think I tanked it on purpose. Because at least now I know it's done, and it's not going to happen, not even in my WILDEST FUCKING DREAMS, and the only person I have to blame for that, basically, is myself. And I can live with that. 

So I'm quitting him, cold turkey. It's not going to be easy. He's already texted me once today, and frankly, I'm quite surprised he did after how crazy I was last night. Lol. He asked me some innocuous question about an improv troupe Sophie and I used to like. I didn't respond. And I don't plan on it. 

I'm officially moving on.

Goodbye California

I had a talk with one of my guy friends last night about Lane. I explained everything to him, showed him our texts, and he said I should move on. Clearly he likes me, but he was just here to have a nice weekend, and he most likely knows how I feel (my friend says guys DO pick up on things like that, I'm not so sure though...), but he's choosing to ignore it, either because he's not interested in a relationship, or because he doesn't think a relationship is plausible, or both.
As tough as that was to hear, I think he's right. The distance I've been feeling between us lately...it just adds up. ((Sigh)) It sucks, and I'm sad and disappointed, but maybe it's for the best. I don't want to move to California! I love it here. And who knows, maybe when he turns 30, things will turn around. He may come out of the woodwork again in a few years. Assuming I'm still available. Ha! I probably will be, considering my track record.
I do want to maintain the friendship, I mean I really love him as a person! But I'm going to call it quits with the texting for a while. I just need time to get over it. I'm trying really hard to stay positive, and I'm going to make more of an effort to get out and meet people. I don't wanna be lonely and depressed all the time. It sucks. But what a lot of people don't understand is, depression and anxiety are illnesses. They affect the body in PHYSICAL ways as well as emotional. You can't compare it to "that one time you were really sad/anxious about ____". It never really goes away. It's just something I have to learn to live with and manage. And I'm still trying to figure that out. But these kinds of situations are really difficult for me. I know it's hard for anyone to put themself out there, or have their heart broken, but anytime I start to have feelings for someone, my immediate gut reaction is fear. Fear of the downward spiral that will follow when that person disappoints me. God...I think about Brandon and how long it took me to get over him, and at the time, I was undiagnosed. I had no idea why I was having such a hard time! I mean, I was in love with him, sure, so that made it harder. But I just wonder how I might have handled that differently if I had known what I was really dealing with.
Anyway, sorry if I'm seem really whiny on the blog lately, but I have to get it out somewhere!

Chicago: 4, Peyton: 0

Omg...so much has happened recently that every time I'm like, "Man I really need to catch up on my blog!" the thought of everything I need to write just seems too daunting. Lol.
My birthday was a blast. I met a cute guy, got a phone number, and made out with a stranger. Lol. Needless to say, I had quite a bit to drink, but hey! No regrets. The guy I met (Kyle) continued to text me up until the beginning of this month, but it's been a couple of weeks since I've heard from him so... I dunno. I'm moving in 2 weeks!! Maybe I'll text him when I get there.

After my bday, things went kind of downhill...
I came home from NOLA and got the stomach flu, wasn't able to work, or even get out of bed for a week. It was seriously, TERRIBLE. Everything was coming out my butt. Lol. TMI?
Then I had to go to Mexico to shoot a wedding. That was a blast, and luckily I was feeling much better by then. Jenna was there, and we had so much fun hanging out by the pool, and going to the beach, etc.
But then I got back from that trip, and threw my back out! I was carrying a 50lb backpack full of camera equipment for a week, so that's probably why. But I was out of work for yet another week! For a grand total of 4 weeks off work. During which time, I only made $250. From the wedding. (They paid the majority of my fee ahead of time). So I'm basically still trying to get caught up on all my bills, and I haven't really been able to do all the fun things I was hoping to get to do in my last month living in Chicago.

Although we had our staff trip in Green Bay last week, and I did go to the Renaissance Faire with Brent and Taylor, and my friend Becky who lives in Wisconsin, on Sunday - both of which were super fun! But then my car was towed Monday morning. Another $200 down the drain.

I literally feel like Chicago is rejecting me. It's telling me to getthefuckout. And I'm more than happy to oblige. I'm so over this city. I just don't want to be here anymore. And I'm soooooo soooo excited about moving to New Orleans, and starting my career, and living in the South again. OMG THE HOT GUYS...((drool)). Lol. I seriously can't wait to get out of here.

Sophie left for a year in Guatemala on the first of the month (she got a cool job), and since then, Chicago hasn't been the same. I mean it's the same, and yet, almost as if the ground beneath me has shifted, or everything is sort of slanted? It's hard to explain. It just doesn't feel right. Part of that is because I really miss Sophie, part of it is because I'm ready to move on, and part of it is because my life has been so up and down rocky the last few weeks. I just feel very unsettled. Even my apartment doesn't seem like a place of refuge anymore. My landlord has been showing it to people, looking for a new tenant, so I keep having to get up and leave in the middle of the day; plus there have been workers painting and doing repairs to the building like every morning for the last 3 weeks! And I work at night, so I would like to be able to sleep past 8am, but NOOOOOO!! I must be woken promptly at 8am with loud banging, Tejano music, and men hanging from scaffolding right outside my bedroom window. Ugh. Literally, that happened. And I was asleep. In my underwear. Imagine my surprise. ((Sigh))

Well, enough bitching. I'm sorry this post has been so cut and dry, but now that I'm caught up, hopefully I will feel better about blogging in the future. Move date is the 27th, though, so bear with me if I disappear for a bit around then.

Oh Well

Annnnd that's the end of that. The guy I hooked up with, we'll call him Eyebrows, is not lasting booty call material. But oh well. I'm starting to think maybe I don't really want a friends with benefits situation. I mean I definitely wanted to have sex with someone, because it had been wayyyyy too long. But really what I want is a relationship. I just can't go looking for one now that I'm moving.
Oh, why Eyebrows, you ask? No, he doesn't have huge bushy eyebrows. He just does this weird, annoying thing, where he's always raising one eyebrow. Ugh. Over it.

Is This A Bad Idea?

Well...I went and did something I never thought I would do.
I joined an online dating website.
So far so good I guess. I mean I just joined Sunday night and I've gotten a lot of responses so far. But there sure a lot of "absolutely not interested"s to sort through. I guess I shouldn't complain though. I'll keep you guys posted on how it goes.

As far as everything else, I've been realllllllly busy with just...fucking everything. I'm moving in like 2 1/2 weeks and I've barely begun to pack. Not to mention I gotta get movers and everything else. UGH! I hate moving. It'll be worth it though. I just wish I could fast forward to May already! I've been really stressed, and not getting enough sleep too, which has made blogging hard. So bear with me over the next couple weeks if I don't write much. I'm not going to disappear again, don't worry!

Living With It

Last night, against my better judgement, I met up with Will, Lane, and Rose at the theater. The show was actually hilarious, so I am glad I went. I still chuckle when I think about it... Lol. But anyway, Will went home afterwards, as usual, but Lane and Rose wanted to grab a drink somewhere. So we headed back to the Ginger Man, as per usual, and each grabbed a beer. I was determined to not let it be awkward, and it wasn't. Granted, Rose was there as a buffer, and I really like her, she's funny and we have a lot in common. But things with Lane seem to be actually, completely normal now. Thank god. At one point we even ended up alone, when Rose went to the bathroom. And we just kept the conversation going, no big deal.
What I've noticed about him though is he's kind of full of himself. I mean he's always talking about himself in a flattering way, and it's starting to get kind of annoying. For example, he went in to apply for a barrister position, and left with an audition to be the lead in a play. I've heard him tell that story like 6 times. Seriously. And he's always talking about how he knows all these important people, and how all these opportunities are always dropping into his lap. He even told me (half-jokingly) that he hopes he dies at 27 (which just happens to be my age!) because Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, and Jimi Hendrix died at 27 and they're some of the most famous people in history. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! He is ridiculous! I told him maybe he should work on becoming famous before he starts planning his untimely death. ((Rolls eyes))
I dunno...it could be just that I've been searching for some kind of flaw in him that I can cling to with an iron grip to help me get over him. But I'm like...80% over him already. So maybe it's working? Or maybe he really is just totally full of himself.
I just feel a tinge of regret for never asking him what the deal is. Not about "us", but about why he suddenly pulled away. But I could never ask him that. That would be completely foolish. And I guess that's what every girl wants to know when a guy suddenly, mysteriously loses interest. And it's just one of those things I'll never learn the answer to and I'll just have to live with it.

On to the Next One

Well the big day is tomorrow. I spent all day packing. With the help of my dad, and a couple other guys, we got the truck all loaded up. Tomorrow I just gotta wrap up a couple of loose ends and then we're headed to Chicago!

I have a lot of stuff to tell you guys, but I'm too exhausted to even type right now, so I promise to catch up from my new room in Chi-Town!

TTFN...

A Clean Break

Hey guys,

Someone asked me a couple questions on my last blog, so I figured I would take the time to update you on those things.

1) Law School.

Things with he and I are actually totally back to normal. Which is awesome. We don't talk as much as we used to, but that's mostly because we're both so insanely busy all the time. But he still comes in the bar from time to time, and we hug and catch up. So everything with he and I is great.

2) As for Todd, I wish I could say the same...

I called him once, at the beginning of the season because he suffered an injury, and I had heard it was serious, and I just wanted to see how he was doing. Turns out his injury wasn't as serious as the press was making it out to be, which is good. But our conversation was shallow, and brief, and neither of us talked about any of the issues. Neither of us has tried to contact each other since then either. It's not that I don't want to. I mean, I still really care about him, love him and miss him... But I just don't know what he told Laura, and I know he's not one to keep secrets from her. So I think it's safe to assume he's told her everything, which most likely means she hates me. Or at the least, she isn't comfortable with me and Todd's friendships, and she certainly doesn't want to be friends with me. So out of respect for her, I just...I don't wanna say I gave up, because I will always value Todd's friendship, but at this time, we're just going to have to be friends from a distance. Sometimes I think about sending her an email, explaining everything, or asking her to meet me for coffee. But I know she would tell Todd everything I say, and he might think I'm trying to stir up shit again or something. I dunno...

Now that I'm moving, I've kinda gotten this idea in my head that I'm just going to leave everything from my old life behind, and start completely fresh. Which means I'm not going to stress about Todd, and wonder if he and Laura hate me. And I'm not going to try to mend things, because if he wanted to be my friend, he would have given me a call when he was in town, but he didn't. It's sad, but I'm resigned to this fate I guess. I'm just ready to make a clean break.

53 Days

I'm starting over. Finally. Leaving this life behind, and starting a totally new chapter. In about 53 days, I move to Chicago.

Then I will blog again.

I'm Back!

OMG I have so much exciting news! First of all, I finally got some booty! Lol. And it was definitely exactly what I needed to just...get me across that bridge. I mean, I had already made the decision to cross it, after my talk with Aaron, and I just...needed to do something to act on it! So me and Tommy Bahama (JC's friend from out of town) ended up going out to dinner Thursday! Then on Friday, I was pleasantly surprised to find myself out of work by 1am! So I hightailed it over to Washington to meet up with TB, JC, Ben, Mark and everybody. I had a little bit of a power hour, which was just enough to get me feeling free. Free of the stress, and pressures of the work week, and ready to let loose and have some fun! And that's exactly what I did!

Soo...Tommy Bahama and I hung out all night, and we both ended up back at JC's place, and first we were just sitting there, talking, about anything and everything! And then one thing led to another... And before I knew it, I was a liberated woman! FREE AT LAST!!

I mean, I know it was more of a mental thing than anything else, because I did this for myself. And it was fun! And, I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders! It's like...I'm back! HAHAHA!!

I know, I may seem a little extremist, and maybe you think it was irresponsible, or foolish to sleep with a guy I just met, but guess what? I don't care! Just know, that I didn't do it for revenge. I didn't do it because I hoped that Brandon would find out and come crawling back. I just did it for me. And I don't care if he finds out or not. I really feel like I'm over him! I mean, not completely. But mostly. The pain is pretty much gone. I don't fall asleep thinking about him, or panic about going to the bar and seeing him, or wonder what he's doing or what girl he's with. I just don't care!

So obviously, I was in a very elated mood all day Saturday. Nothing could get me down! After work, Taryn and I went over to JC's again, because it was TB's last night in Houston! Unfortunately, by the time I got there, all the guys were just about ready to pass out. So I said my goodbyes to TB, and finally headed home, completely exhausted.

On Sunday, I slept till like 4:30pm! I had a whole week's worth of sleep to catch up on. TB had already left to go home to Colorado. He's originally from Colorado, but he's been living and working in the Bahamas for the last few months. Anyways, I talked to Melissa on the phone about everything, and she just kept gushing to me about TB, asking me when I'm gonna see him again, etc. And I promptly set her straight. I have no plans to see him again, and even though I think he's a nice guy, he already served his purpose. To help me move on. I mean, nothing could come of it anyway; he lives in Colorado!

But the funny thing is, he hasn't stopped texting me since! He was texting me all day today while I was at work. And honestly, it was a welcome distraction, cuz after the weekend I had, I was having trouble staying awake. Oh, and while I'm on that subject, let me just point out that my boss specifically told me, I can come in and leave whenever I want, as long as I put in my 40 hours. And last week, I put in 45 hours! So don't bitch at me about how this is my "chance to be an adult"! Fuck you! I AM being an adult! I got this job myself, I support myself, I may not be perfect, but I'm a big girl, goddammit and I'm not stupid. So don't talk to me like I am.

Sorry if that sounded a little harsh, but like I said, I'm a new woman. Very liberated.

So anyways, Tommy Bahama has been texting me all day, asking me all kinds of questions about myself, and what I like to do for fun, and what kind of guys I date, and what my longest relationship was. Stuff that only a genuinely interested guy would ask, right?

It's strange...

Anyways, so this project I started working last week, I finished 2 days early! And my boss was incredulous! So yayyy points for me! Except today I think he was scrambling around trying to find things for me to do, cuz he thought I'd still be working on last week's project. Oh well. At least he was impressed! Well, I really should be going to bed soon. ((Sigh))

Goodnight World!

Just Fade Away...

Today, after work, I met up with one of my coworkers from the bar, Aaron, for coffee. Aaron is probably one of the nicest, most genuine people I've ever met. And he's insanely goofy! He recently got married, and he gives really good advice, and he and I were working behind the same bar this past Saturday, and started having a conversation that we didn't get to finish. So he suggested we meet for coffee. And yes, the conversation was about Brandon.

We talked for about two and a half hours, and it was probably the best conversation I've had with anyone on the topic so far. He really peeled away all the crap that's covering Brandon, and our relationship, and showed me what's underneath. He gave me advice on what I should do, and how I should behave at work, and he gave me his opinions on Brandon, and on my situation. And I really feel a lot better now.

Even though I've known for a while that Brandon and I aren't meant to be together, the lingering feelings I had just kept pulling me back. Because in the very beginning of our relationship, things were great! And I was just clinging onto that for some reason. But, Brandon hasn't been the person I fell in love with , in a long time. In fact, since then he's become selfish, mean, and competitive to the point where things at work become tense. And, as Aaron pointed out, the reason is because he has convinced himself that he is the best. He doesn't want anyone to be better than him, and he doesn't give himself room to improve because he thinks he's already the best. Which is why he doesn't like anyone correcting him at work. But he's forgotten the most important thing. To be the best, you have to be the best person that you can be, and you have to be well-rounded in doing so. You have to want to be the best friend, the best boyfriend/girlfriend, the best brother, sister, son, daughter, father or mother. Not just the best bartender. Not just the best golfer. And Brandon never cared to be the best boyfriend to me, because that would have required him to make some sacrifices. And he's so wrapped up in himself, that he doesn't want to do that.

I never thought about it that way.

Aaron also pointed out that Brandon's juvenile behavior the other night was just a play to get a reaction out of me. And it worked! And he says if I just accept Brandon, not ignore him, not be overly friendly, but just accept him, it will help me to move on, and it will drive him nuts. And if I just don't give in, he'll end up making a fool out of himself, which will be unattractive to me, and help me get over him. Because he wants to get attention from me, he wants to get a reaction out of me. He likes knowing that I still care about him. And I cannot, under any circumstances, give him that satisfaction. And he's gonna jab at me a few times, maybe even do something drastic, like make out with a girl in front of me, to try to get a reaction, but I just have to be strong, and not give him the satisfaction of knowing it bothers me. And eventually he'll just fade away....

We talked about a lot more things, but overall, I learned that I just need to tell myself, and everyone else, that I don't care, and truly mean it, because I know he's not what I want. And it's not going to be easy, but I'm on my way. ((Sigh))

So...hopefully I can stay in this frame of mind that I'm in right now. And I'm really thankful to Aaron for taking the time to sit and talk with me. He and I don't really hang out too much, because he works 2 jobs, and he's married and all. I do hang out with his wife, Trina every now and then. They're like the perfect couple. I mean, obviously nothing is perfect, but they are one of the best models for a relationship of anyone I know. So, I think if anyone can give good relationship advice, it's Aaron.

Well, I don't really have anything else exciting to report. I just wanted to let you all know that I'm getting through this. I am determined to get through this! And hopefully, once I'm back to my old happy-go-lucky self again, the right guy will come along.

Finally Getting Somewhere

I took the job!

I start Wednesday.

As for everything else...I'm going down to 2 nights a week bartending. Just Friday and Saturday. And Brandon and I are...just friends. Really, actually, just friends. I really don't expect anything, other than friendship. And even though sometimes, I find myself hoping that maybe something could come from us being friends, I'm trying to let it go, and just...move on. And surprisingly, it hasn't been as hard as I was expecting. I still have my breakdown moments, and it's a little weird at work, because I find myself slipping into my old habits of just...completely ignoring him. But then he walks up and starts talking to me, and I have to remind myself that it's ok! ((Sigh))

Anyway, I'm moving on with my life. This new job should be a nice change of pace, and I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere.

New Computer!

So I haven't been able to write the past couple days, cuz my computer totally crapped out on me! And then I got really mad, and threw it across the room. Lol. And now it's uh...well let's just say I have officially retired my old Toshiba laptop. And it was wayyyy past time for me to get a new computer.
SOOO, I am now typing on my brand new MacBook Pro!! I absolutely LOVE it! I've been wanting to get a Mac FOREVER!

Anyways, I've been reading all your comments, and I do sort of agree, that I need to be happy on my own for right now, instead of thinking about boys. In the past, I've usually had an in between person to help me get over the last guy. But not this time. And I know I'm not ready to date, but I just really don't like being alone either. And I have no news about Cory. Things have gone sort of stale in that department. Not because I'm not interested, but I mean, he lives in San Antonio, and I just don't see how we're ever gonna be able to get together unless he comes to Houston and we hang out. And he ended up not coming this weekend. So...whatever. I'm just working, and trying to save some money and get back on my feet.
Last Sunday, Summer and I went out wakeboarding on the river with some of her friends, Ben, Mark, and Michael. They used to be regulars at my old bar, and I always knew who they were, but just never really got to know them before now. And we had tons of fun! And we're gonna go out again this Sunday, only this time with more people! Bethany is gonna come, and Melissa too, even though she doesn't really know anybody. It's a shame I'm not interested in any of these guys, cuz they're all cute and fun and have good jobs. But Ben is totally in love with Summer. Lol. Michael is really sweet, and cute in a little boyish kind of way. And Mark is this huge beefy guy, who has ears that stick out. Hehe. But I like them, and they've sort of adopted me into their group this past couple weeks. Me, Bethany, and Summer go out for margaritas and Mexican food with them before work every Friday and they never let us pay. It's totally awesome!
I think I'm starting to get a handle on my Brandon situation. I mean, it's getting easier. I can honestly say that I'm not totally miserable about him anymore. Although I can't say that I'm happy, I'd rather be in between than miserable. I still think about him a lot, randomly. But it's just like sudden sharp pains now, instead of a constant dull ache. And when I do think of him, it's bad, like an abrupt intake of breath, followed by acute pain, and me trying to hold back tears. ((Sigh)) Then I have to will myself to think about something else.
The key is to keep busy, and I've been doing pretty good with that. I live for my Sundays!
Well, it's like 5 in the morning now, so I should really get to bed.

Moving

When I got to work last night, there he was, outside. Standing there with Greg, Gavin, and The Albanian. He saw me approaching and turned to walk away, hoping to avoid me I guess. But I tapped him on the shoulder.
"Give me my key back." I demanded.
He didn't say anything, he just took his keys out of his pocket.
"Oh, so it's like that..." The Albanian said. I ignored him.
Gavin stared, wide eyed, while Greg turn his head the other way, looking sheepish.
"Did you bring my glasses?" Brandon asked, as he removed the key from the ring.
"Oh, yea...I guess you should have thought about your glasses when you broke into my apartment to get your weed back. You're not getting any of your shit back."
As I stormed off, I heard him say, "I didn't break in...", quietly, to whoever was standing there.

Work sucked. He was bartending last night, so of course I kept running into him.

((Sigh)) The truth is, I hate being mean to him. It feels good in the moment, but at the end of the day, it just makes me cry. Because I still love him. And I hate that I love him.
I long to run my fingers through his hair, feel his smooth, warm skin, wrap my arms around him. I miss the taste of his lips...
And the thought of some other girl touching that skin, tasting those lips, wrapping her arms around him...it makes me want to vomit.
Every night when I go to sleep, I just wish I could just rewind everything that has happened, go back 2 weeks ago, and open my eyes, and he would be laying there next to me. I wish it had never come to this. Never.
After the first week, I felt like it was starting to get a little easier. But ever since I found out he snuck into my apartment, and he "just wants to be friends now" and "get along" it's like...everything is hitting me all at once. I can't deal with this. I've reached my emotional limit. I am overflowing. I'm afraid I'm going to have an emotional breakdown.
I miss him sooo much.

I started moving today. I really like the new apartment, but it's so....empty. And I feel even more alone now. This new apartment has nothing of him in it. I guess it's better that way, but it's so much harder.
I've never felt so rejected, or so alone in my whole life.

I'm Still Here!

Sorry it's been so long. I've been so busy with moving. Finally, just last night, I got my apartment clean, and looking like someone actually lives here! And just that in itself has alleviated so much stress! I'm sitting comfortably on my couch right now, watching season two of The Office. I just started watching it, and it's pretty freakin' hilarious so far! I LOVE living by myself! It's so liberating, so relaxing, so...AMAZING! Seriously, I just haven't been this happy about anything in a while.
As for Daniel, I'm slowly starting to heal. I can actually go almost a whole day without thinking about him now. And I don't flinch when he pops into my head, or when I hear his name anymore. So...it's starting to get easier, I guess. I haven't seen him at all either so...that probably helps.
Anyways, I have a lot to update you guys on, so I better get started!

Ok, so last Tuesday there was this huge industry party hosted by Red Bull. It was free alcohol and stuff, and only bartenders/bar industry peeps could go, because Red Bull handed out limited passes. So anyways, most of my coworkers were there, and we all got realllllly smashed! I ended up drinking, then going out to the car with Misty and Bethany to smoke, then drinking some more, so I was feeling pretty good.
So, after we came back inside from smoking, John walked up and started talking to me. He was pretty drunk too, and when he gets drunk, he's like...a different person. Literally. Normally he's very composed, and reserved, and calm. When he drinks, it's the complete opposite!
So we're talking, I can't remember about what, and then he says, "Hey could you hold this for me, cuz I think I might drop it."
He was referring to his drink. I had my drink and purse in my left hand, but I took his drink in my right, and gave him a confused look.
"Okaayyy..." I said.
Then he grabs my face in both of his hands and starts kissing me! I was so shocked, I didn't really know how to react! I mean, I froze! And all these emotions were going through my head! Surprise, relief, exhilaration, embarrassment, amusement, anger... I was surprised first, then excited that it was really happening, then embarrassed that everyone was watching, then I kind of wanted to laugh, and then I'd had enough, but he wouldn't let me go when I tried pushing him off me, so I got kinda mad. Lol. And he still wouldn't let go of me! It was like he had me in a vice! And to top it all off, all my coworkers were watching, whooping, and taking pictures!! Then Mr. P. walks up, puts his arms around us both and starts singing... Oh my god, it was horrible. But we were both pretty drunk, and apparently it happened more than once.
Because it was all I heard about for the next week.
The next day, I woke up not knowing what to think. I mean John was really hammered, and towards the end of the night, he was so drunk it was getting obnoxious. I mean he threw an empty beer bottle down Mr. S.'s stairs and then passed out on the kitchen counter. Seriously. Kind of a turnoff. ((sigh))
Oh, and this was after he told me he loved me.
YEA.

Ok so, I had some mixed emotions about it. Mostly because I just didn't want it to happen that way, you know?? I don't like drunk John. I like sober John. ((sigh))
Well I had to go to work Wednesday, and I was dreading all the humiliation I was gonna have to put up with. And Mark of course never let me hear the end of it. Neither did Mr. P., Mr. S. or anyone else that saw for that matter. Which was, apparently, a lot of people. ((sigh)) But oh well. It has to blow over sometime.
Well that night at work, we had a new band play. Not really a band actually, an acoustic act. Just 2 guys and 2 guitars. And one of them was really hot. I mean, the singing, guitar-playing thing is always sexy, but aside from that? HOT. So I got off around 11, and I stayed to have a couple drinks with a couple of the door guys, and Johnny, our regular acoustic guitar guy on Saturdays. And of course, John shows up. It was awkward. That goes without saying.
Well, during one of the band's set breaks, Mr. Rockstar himself approaches our little group. Apparently him and Johnny go way back. He wasn't really hanging out with everyone though, just Johnny, but I kept catching him staring at me. Not even just then, but before, from across the room. But I figured it was probably because I was staring at him. Lol. You know how you can just feel someone looking at you??
So anyways, when they went back up to play, Johnny came up to the bar and sat down next to me.
"Rusty was asking me about you." He said.
"Rusty?"
"Yea, the guy in the band. He was like, 'Who's that? She's hot.'" He replied.
"Really??" I said, trying not to sound too eager, "Well what did you tell him??"
"I told him you were a cool chick, really awesome at piano. He loves piano! He tries to play, but he's not very good. He's way better at guitar. Then I asked him if he wanted me to introduce you, but he said no, cuz that would be too obvious."
"Well did you tell him that I'm single?!" I asked, eyes wide.
"Why? Do you like him?" He raised an eyebrow at me.
"Well, I don't know! I don't even know him. But I'm definitely interested..." I smirked as I started to think about the possibilities.
"Well you should get to know him. He's a cool guy. I've known him for years. We should all hang out sometime!" He suggested.
"Ok, yea. That sounds good."
"Ok, well we'll talk about it when we get to IHOP later." Johnny said.
"What?! We can't talk about it then! Not in front of...people." I hissed.
"What? Ohhhhh... You mean John? He already knows."
"Huh?? Knows what!?" I started to panic.
"Well, he was standing right there when Rusty came up and asked me about you."
"Oh." More like Oh shit was what I was thinking in my head. But it's just as well.
So the next set break they took, I walked up to a group of them standing around and Rusty said, "Who's this?"
"Oh! This is Peyton. Peyton, Rusty." Johnny introduced us, and we shook hands.
I blushed.
I invited him to go to IHOP with us, but he rode with his bandmate, so he had to pass.
But when I got home that night, I friend requested their band on myspace. Not him personally, but the band! Pretty smooth, huh?

Anyways, that's not all the boy drama for Wednesday night. There's more!
When we were getting ready to leave for IHOP John asked to ride with me.
"What? Why? That doesn't make any sense! I live right by IHOP now, and you live in the other direction." I pointed out.
"Yea but...I was hoping to stay at your place tonight..."
I cut him off.
"WHAT!?"
"Well, it's just that my power went out earlier. There was some kind of electrical explosion." He explained.
"Hmmm... Well...just take your own car anyways. I'm going out of town tomorrow and I have a lot of shit to do. We'll talk about it at IHOP."
I wasn't lying about the out of town thing. Bethany and I planned a trip to our old college town just for Thursday night because we both happened to be off. But I really just wasn't comfortable with the idea of John staying over!
1) My apartment was still not in shape for company. I mean, boxes everywhere, laundry strewn about, shit just...in really random places and all unorganized....
2) I was mildly disgusted with John from the night before, and mildly disgusted with myself for letting it happen, and then after hearing about it all freaking day, I just...didn't wanna think about it anymore. About HIM anymore. Know what I mean??
Plus, I wasn't sure what exactly he was assuming about us, or about anything really. Not that I thought he wanted to come over with the intentions of sleeping with me or anything! He told me he'd sleep on the couch but still! I just felt weird about it. And that's never a good situation to be in. So I decided I was gonna have to tell him no.
So we went to IHOP. Me, John, Bethany and Mark. We ate, they made fun of me some more, I got pissed, then it was time to go.
"So are you gonna let me make use of your couch tonight?" John asked as I was getting into my car.
"How do you know your power is even still out?" I asked.
"Because it was still out when I left! And it's 4 am on a Wednesday, I doubt they're going to fix it till tomorrow."
I sighed. "This is just really not a good time for me to be having anyone spend the night!"
"I let you crash at my place twice." He argued.
"WHAT!? I can't believe you're using that against me! That was totally different! I had to drive you home, because you were practically incapacitated drunk! And then I was going to have to drive another 30 minutes just to get to my house! And you asked me to stay!"
He huffed and started to protest.
"Well now the answer is definitely no, because I'm mad at you!" I said.
"Alright then. Fair enough." He said, and walked off.
I slammed my door shut and left. I still can't believe the audacity of him. UGh...

Well, I think I'm going to end with that, because this post is ridiculously long. I'll finish up with the rest of the drama tomorrow!

Moving In And Moving On...NOT.

So I am officially living in my new apartment! It's sooo nice! My own space, all to myself, with no one to consult about anything!! Everything is still in boxes right now though, because my entire weekend has consisted of moving and working. And today I slept till 3 o'clock cuz I was so exhausted. ((sigh))
Bethany is gonna help me decorate and paint my bedroom. She's reallllly good at interior design! We start painting tomorrow. I'm so excited!
I had to work tonight, even though I don't normally work Sundays. It was horrible. But John is back from his trip. You guys remember John right?? The guy with all the sexual tension?? And just so you know, that hasn't gone away! Anyways, he was on some trip for a couple months for school; a geographical survey or something. But tonight, he worked the door and I closed the bar, so it was just the 2 of us at closing time. And we were sitting and talking while I was counting tips. And he was telling me about what he wants to do when he finishes school, and I found myself getting lost in his words, and thinking about what it would be like to kiss him. Would his kiss be gentle or firm? What his hands would feel like in my hair, and how my heart would race... Then I snapped out of it, and he was in the middle of telling me something about insurgents in Iraq. He was in the marines. ((sigh)) I wonder if anything will ever come of me and John.
Anyways, these fanciful thoughts of mine, are unfortunately few and far between. And I say that because they are certainly a nice destraction from the constant ache of yearning for Daniel. Now that I'm living practically across the street from him, it's gotten worse. I keep dreading, and hoping that I'll run into him.
Speaking of which, Jenna has been hanging out with him, almost on a regular basis. And that really bothers me, because on top of that, she never calls me anymore! And I've been so depressed lately, I just wish I knew I could depend on the people that I used to count among my good friends. It's strange how people's true colors start to show when you really need them. The only people who have really been there for me are Melissa, Bethany and Izzie. Always Izzie. She is the most loyal friend I've ever had. I'm not too happy with Alyssa either. As soon as Russ got back from his mission trip, she stopped calling me. ((sigh))
Melissa and Tim broke up last week, so we've been hanging out a lot...commiserating mostly. But it's nice to just have someone to talk to who really understands. She actually gets what I'm going through, and she empathizes.
It's kind of weird, because she points out things about me in a way that is so...black and white; she puts them in a new light that I wouldn't ever think of.
For example, the other day while we were at dinner she said she couldn't believe how bad Daniel broke me. So bad that I have to drug myself to numb the pain. She was referring to my more frequent smoking of course. But....((sigh)) she's right. And it makes me sad to think about it. I don't understand how I let him get so deep inside of me. I rarely even let people under my skin, let alone into my heart.
Anyways, it's late and I'm tired so I'm gonna try to get some sleep.

Ditched?

Well...tonight was supposed to be my second date with Brady. But...I never heard from him. All day!
And honestly? I don't really care.
It was just one of those things where we met, and we liked each other, and had a good time together, but...we just didn't click. There was no spark. And I didn't really see it going past this week. So I guess maybe Brady figured he'd cut his losses early. Meh... It stung a little at first that he didn't even call to cancel, but whatever. I'm over it.
Baseball Guy on the other hand, has been texting me nonstop! He's in Texarkana right now with his team, for a couple of games. And I know I should feel happy, and flattered even that he's paying me so much attention (maybe he's just bored?), but it's almost annoying! I mean he's been texting me all day, every day since the night we met! And mostly he just complains! About the heat, about getting up early for workouts, his AC in his hotel room not working, the crappy movie he just watched... The list goes on.
Alyssa says maybe he just wants something to talk about, and he doesn't really have anything else exciting going on at the moment. So I hope that's what it is. But that didn't stop me from sending him a text that read: There's no crying in baseball! ;)
Lol.

Alyssa and I went out to dinner tonight at Carl's restaurant. He totally gave us all our drinks for free, and even sent over a "birthday" dessert, complete with a sparkler. Lol. It was fun though. Then we went back to Russ's house (he's on a mission trip out of the country right now) and watched The Other Boleyn Girl, which was excellent, yet morbidly depressing. I'm certain that Queen Anne must have been a crackpot. Lol.
Anyways, it was great to have some girl time, and to do something low key on my night off. I'm really kinda burned out on the midtown bar scene lately. It's always the same places, the same people, the same story... And I'm just getting tired of the Go! Go! Go! in my tall stiletto heels, if you know what I mean. It's nice to be able to sit somewhere quiet with a bottle of wine, or a marg and just...talk! So that's what I've been doing lately.
Anyway, I have this feeling that Daniel and WTP are already broken up. I didn't wanna ask Alyssa outright, but I'm pretty sure he's already gotten tired of her. Which doesn't surprise me.
But I find myself wondering, almost wishing, he'll come back to me. Then I slap myself mentally for thinking that and immediately launch into the list of reasons why I hate Daniel. ((sigh))
Why can't I just get over him already!?


P.S. I've noticed that sometimes you guys ask me questions in my comments, so here's your chance! Any questions you may have for me, please ask in a comment, and I'll answer all of them in my next post. As long as they're not vulgar, or pertaining to my identity, of course.
Look forward to hearing from you all!

Beneath The Surface

I don't know if I can do this. I miss Daniel. WHY do I miss him so much??? Why can't I just forget about him?! He's a jerk, and a waste of my time. And yet...I still love him.
((sigh))
Brady and I went on our first date tonight. It was nice to finally meet him in person. He's really nice and I like him and everything, but...I just can't help but think about Daniel. Everything Brady and I talked about made me think of him. It's like a virus! And it's spreading and I can't make it stop!
I dunno if I'm ready for this. Dating.
I thought it would be a good distraction. And it seemed like a good idea at the time... I thought I was doing so much better, I thought I was moving on...but it seems like all I've really done is bury him, deep inside of me. But he's still very much there, just waiting to resurface when I'm feeling most vulnerable.

The Replacement

The first thing that I need to bring to your attention, is a certain comment I received, that had me reeling after I read it. If you could all please go look at my last post, in the comments, and read the one anonymous comment on there, in which someone PRETENDED to be the other Peyton, whom I have decided to call WTP (White Trash Peyton).
Seriously!? Wtf. I dunno who you are, but get a fucking life. For real. I know that you're not her, because I'm not a complete idiot and I don't divulge everything in this blog. So I hope you don't think you were super clever and/or imaginative by coming up with that. That's all I am going to say.
And now, a little insight into WTP (the real girl, not the fake comment person).
Alyssa and I both got off work at 9 tonight, and we decided to hang out afterwards, since neither of us have really seen each other, or talked much in the past couple weeks. So we went across the street, where one of Daniel's friends, Carl, was waiting tables, so we could chat in a low key environment, and say hi to Carl.
I met Carl when Daniel and I first started dating, and he was definitely my favorite out of all Daniel's friends. So we get along really well, and I actually enjoy hanging out with him.
Anyways, Alyssa and I talked some more about Daniel (she brought it up!), and she told me that she's concerned he might be getting into drugs. Like...serious drugs. She said he hasn't really been completely honest with everyone, and he's been shady with his friends, shady with his family, shady with me... Something just isn't adding up. There is something going on with him, other than WTP. And Alyssa is also speculating that maybe WTP is part of the reason for this change. Maybe she's supplying him with the drugs? I dunno. But Alyssa told me all about the night she met WTP, and she basically told me that WTP is trashy, unattractive and tactless. She's chunky, with bleach blonde, fried hair, and she dresses really trashy. Alyssa said she had on a cropped tank top, and her belly was totally hanging out over her pants! EW!
She also, apparently, lacks any and all social skills (i.e. RUDE), and was recently fired from her job for telling off a customer. Sounds like a real winner, huh!?
On the one hand, I can't help but feel elated by his obvious downgrade.
But on the other hand, I can't help but feel shocked, taken aback, and just devastated that he would dump me for the likes of her.
And I'm positive he cheated on me with her, because he introduced her as his...not girlfriend, but...you know, whatever, to Carl 2 days before he actually broke up with me. Which means he must have been hanging out with her that whole weekend that Sophie and Brent were here. Which confirms my suspicions and worries about him being MIA that whole time.
((sigh))
And I am really starting to get it together now. I don't feel that constant sinking feeling anymore. That feeling like I'm being dragged down...like I'm treading water with an anvil tied to my ankle. I don't feel like that anymore. I'm mostly happy, and starting to fall back into the groove of just being a happy, independent, single girl again. But I do get these sudden waves of sorrow, and regret, which usually lead to outbursts of tears.
And the thing that really sucks, is that as much as I hate him for what he did to me, and as much as I wish I could just tell him off, and tell him he's a lying sack of shit and I hope he gets syphilis, I'm worried about him! Because I still love him and care about him underneath it all, and I don't want anything bad to happen to him.
And it makes me so mad that this one stupid chick could be dragging him down with her. I hope he gets bored with her soon! I mean I'm not saying that I'm the one for him or anything, but I know he can do better than WTP!!
I don't even know why I care so much. He's a douchebag, and he probably deserves whatever's coming to him.
But anyway...Alyssa and I had a good time tonight. It just felt like things were back to normal between her and I. We could talk about anything, and I didn't feel like I was walking on eggshells. So it was nice.
And now I am exhausted, so I'm going to sleep.