Showing posts with label Moving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Moving. Show all posts
Thursday, August 14, 2014
NOLA
I know I haven't posted in a while, but that's because I don't have the internet set up at my new place yet, so it's been really touch and go. But I love my new job, I love my new place, and I love living here!! I'll catch you guys up soon, I promise!
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Chicago: 4, Peyton: 0
Omg...so much has happened recently that every time I'm like, "Man I really need to catch up on my blog!" the thought of everything I need to write just seems too daunting. Lol.
My birthday was a blast. I met a cute guy, got a phone number, and made out with a stranger. Lol. Needless to say, I had quite a bit to drink, but hey! No regrets. The guy I met (Kyle) continued to text me up until the beginning of this month, but it's been a couple of weeks since I've heard from him so... I dunno. I'm moving in 2 weeks!! Maybe I'll text him when I get there.
After my bday, things went kind of downhill...
I came home from NOLA and got the stomach flu, wasn't able to work, or even get out of bed for a week. It was seriously, TERRIBLE. Everything was coming out my butt. Lol. TMI?
Then I had to go to Mexico to shoot a wedding. That was a blast, and luckily I was feeling much better by then. Jenna was there, and we had so much fun hanging out by the pool, and going to the beach, etc.
But then I got back from that trip, and threw my back out! I was carrying a 50lb backpack full of camera equipment for a week, so that's probably why. But I was out of work for yet another week! For a grand total of 4 weeks off work. During which time, I only made $250. From the wedding. (They paid the majority of my fee ahead of time). So I'm basically still trying to get caught up on all my bills, and I haven't really been able to do all the fun things I was hoping to get to do in my last month living in Chicago.
Although we had our staff trip in Green Bay last week, and I did go to the Renaissance Faire with Brent and Taylor, and my friend Becky who lives in Wisconsin, on Sunday - both of which were super fun! But then my car was towed Monday morning. Another $200 down the drain.
I literally feel like Chicago is rejecting me. It's telling me to getthefuckout. And I'm more than happy to oblige. I'm so over this city. I just don't want to be here anymore. And I'm soooooo soooo excited about moving to New Orleans, and starting my career, and living in the South again. OMG THE HOT GUYS...((drool)). Lol. I seriously can't wait to get out of here.
Sophie left for a year in Guatemala on the first of the month (she got a cool job), and since then, Chicago hasn't been the same. I mean it's the same, and yet, almost as if the ground beneath me has shifted, or everything is sort of slanted? It's hard to explain. It just doesn't feel right. Part of that is because I really miss Sophie, part of it is because I'm ready to move on, and part of it is because my life has been so up and down rocky the last few weeks. I just feel very unsettled. Even my apartment doesn't seem like a place of refuge anymore. My landlord has been showing it to people, looking for a new tenant, so I keep having to get up and leave in the middle of the day; plus there have been workers painting and doing repairs to the building like every morning for the last 3 weeks! And I work at night, so I would like to be able to sleep past 8am, but NOOOOOO!! I must be woken promptly at 8am with loud banging, Tejano music, and men hanging from scaffolding right outside my bedroom window. Ugh. Literally, that happened. And I was asleep. In my underwear. Imagine my surprise. ((Sigh))
Well, enough bitching. I'm sorry this post has been so cut and dry, but now that I'm caught up, hopefully I will feel better about blogging in the future. Move date is the 27th, though, so bear with me if I disappear for a bit around then.
My birthday was a blast. I met a cute guy, got a phone number, and made out with a stranger. Lol. Needless to say, I had quite a bit to drink, but hey! No regrets. The guy I met (Kyle) continued to text me up until the beginning of this month, but it's been a couple of weeks since I've heard from him so... I dunno. I'm moving in 2 weeks!! Maybe I'll text him when I get there.
After my bday, things went kind of downhill...
I came home from NOLA and got the stomach flu, wasn't able to work, or even get out of bed for a week. It was seriously, TERRIBLE. Everything was coming out my butt. Lol. TMI?
Then I had to go to Mexico to shoot a wedding. That was a blast, and luckily I was feeling much better by then. Jenna was there, and we had so much fun hanging out by the pool, and going to the beach, etc.
But then I got back from that trip, and threw my back out! I was carrying a 50lb backpack full of camera equipment for a week, so that's probably why. But I was out of work for yet another week! For a grand total of 4 weeks off work. During which time, I only made $250. From the wedding. (They paid the majority of my fee ahead of time). So I'm basically still trying to get caught up on all my bills, and I haven't really been able to do all the fun things I was hoping to get to do in my last month living in Chicago.
Although we had our staff trip in Green Bay last week, and I did go to the Renaissance Faire with Brent and Taylor, and my friend Becky who lives in Wisconsin, on Sunday - both of which were super fun! But then my car was towed Monday morning. Another $200 down the drain.
I literally feel like Chicago is rejecting me. It's telling me to getthefuckout. And I'm more than happy to oblige. I'm so over this city. I just don't want to be here anymore. And I'm soooooo soooo excited about moving to New Orleans, and starting my career, and living in the South again. OMG THE HOT GUYS...((drool)). Lol. I seriously can't wait to get out of here.
Sophie left for a year in Guatemala on the first of the month (she got a cool job), and since then, Chicago hasn't been the same. I mean it's the same, and yet, almost as if the ground beneath me has shifted, or everything is sort of slanted? It's hard to explain. It just doesn't feel right. Part of that is because I really miss Sophie, part of it is because I'm ready to move on, and part of it is because my life has been so up and down rocky the last few weeks. I just feel very unsettled. Even my apartment doesn't seem like a place of refuge anymore. My landlord has been showing it to people, looking for a new tenant, so I keep having to get up and leave in the middle of the day; plus there have been workers painting and doing repairs to the building like every morning for the last 3 weeks! And I work at night, so I would like to be able to sleep past 8am, but NOOOOOO!! I must be woken promptly at 8am with loud banging, Tejano music, and men hanging from scaffolding right outside my bedroom window. Ugh. Literally, that happened. And I was asleep. In my underwear. Imagine my surprise. ((Sigh))
Well, enough bitching. I'm sorry this post has been so cut and dry, but now that I'm caught up, hopefully I will feel better about blogging in the future. Move date is the 27th, though, so bear with me if I disappear for a bit around then.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Oh Well
Annnnd that's the end of that. The guy I hooked up with, we'll call him Eyebrows, is not lasting booty call material. But oh well. I'm starting to think maybe I don't really want a friends with benefits situation. I mean I definitely wanted to have sex with someone, because it had been wayyyyy too long. But really what I want is a relationship. I just can't go looking for one now that I'm moving.
Oh, why Eyebrows, you ask? No, he doesn't have huge bushy eyebrows. He just does this weird, annoying thing, where he's always raising one eyebrow. Ugh. Over it.
Oh, why Eyebrows, you ask? No, he doesn't have huge bushy eyebrows. He just does this weird, annoying thing, where he's always raising one eyebrow. Ugh. Over it.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Stir Crazy
Ugh, you guys are all SOOO right about Brazil. I know he's immature, and I can do better. It's just the sex! Seriously! I smell his cologne and I literally get flashes of weird nostalgic feelings, and desires and I'm just left with the thought that I have literally never had better sex. ((Sigh)) Let's just hope that when I finally do find Mr. Right, he'll be as good in bed as Brazil. Lol. But he has been facebook stalking me...Brazil I mean. Literally, he likes ALL my posts. Almost immediately after I post them. ((Sigh))
Anyway, I start school again on Thursday, and I'm really dreading it. I dunno why, but I just don't really feel like I actually got a break from school this time around. I mean I went to NOLA, and Houston, and I have these 4 days, but ughhh....it just doesn't seem like enough! Well at least I only have one more semester after this one! Then I'm outta here~!
You know what's great too? Now that I've decided I wanna move back to Houston, I feel like the pressure to meet a guy has been lifted. Because what's the point of dating someone here if I'm moving in like a year, right? So I can just....concentrate on my artwork, and save money, and think about what kind of job I wanna get when I'm finished with school. NO BOY DRAMA. So I'll just continue to hook with Matt when I need a fix. Lol. Seems to be working well so far! Well here's to staying indoors till Thursday since it's like 2 degrees outside. Literally. I'm on the hunt for a new tv show to watch. I just finished Homeland. Any suggestions?
Anyway, I start school again on Thursday, and I'm really dreading it. I dunno why, but I just don't really feel like I actually got a break from school this time around. I mean I went to NOLA, and Houston, and I have these 4 days, but ughhh....it just doesn't seem like enough! Well at least I only have one more semester after this one! Then I'm outta here~!
You know what's great too? Now that I've decided I wanna move back to Houston, I feel like the pressure to meet a guy has been lifted. Because what's the point of dating someone here if I'm moving in like a year, right? So I can just....concentrate on my artwork, and save money, and think about what kind of job I wanna get when I'm finished with school. NO BOY DRAMA. So I'll just continue to hook with Matt when I need a fix. Lol. Seems to be working well so far! Well here's to staying indoors till Thursday since it's like 2 degrees outside. Literally. I'm on the hunt for a new tv show to watch. I just finished Homeland. Any suggestions?
Monday, May 21, 2012
Pre Move Preparations
My apartment is almost done! I've been cleaning and painting and hanging things all day, and my back is killing me. Lol. But this is officially my birthday week! And my friends are coming in 2 days, and my party is in 4! I seriously can't wait. I've got a whole week off work, and I'm finally gonna get to really kick off my summer.
Today was the first real hot day of the summer, and Sophie and I went to the lake to lay out. I'm a little burned actually, which is quite unusual for me, as I tan really well, but my skin hasn't seen the sun in ages! And I may have overdone it on the tanning lotion... Oh well. I'm sure the redness will be gone by tomorrow.
Unfortunately, I don't really have much to write since all I've been doing is working and getting my new place in order, but I just wanted to drop a line and say thanks for hangin' in there! Just wait till next week, I'll have plenty to write about. TRUST ME.
Today was the first real hot day of the summer, and Sophie and I went to the lake to lay out. I'm a little burned actually, which is quite unusual for me, as I tan really well, but my skin hasn't seen the sun in ages! And I may have overdone it on the tanning lotion... Oh well. I'm sure the redness will be gone by tomorrow.
Unfortunately, I don't really have much to write since all I've been doing is working and getting my new place in order, but I just wanted to drop a line and say thanks for hangin' in there! Just wait till next week, I'll have plenty to write about. TRUST ME.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
First Day of Summer
Sorry it's been so long, but I did warn you guys that it might be difficult to post with finals and moving. But school is out as of Wednesday, and I've been in my new place for two weeks now! It's great. Cluttered, but great. I'm still working on unpacking, but I know everything will be ready in time for my house-warming/birthday party in a couple of weeks. I'm gonna start blogging regularly again, now that the insanity is over. So I'm just gonna try to briefly catch you guys up on everything that's been going on...
The move went smoothly, all things considered. Katie helped me paint the new place (a light, minty turquoise, which I love!) before I actually moved in. I have been trying to unpack a few boxes each day, but I feel like I just have so many projects to do! Shelves/curtains/pictures to hang. I've turned into quite the self-taught handyman. Lol. Sorta...
Anyway, Bethany and Carrie are both coming to visit for my birthday weekend!! I'm so excited. Taryn was supposed to come too, but apparently she has been taking a lot of trips lately so she couldn't afford to come. But Carrie and Bethany and I are definitely going to have a blast. I'm also going to be hosting a housewarming/birthday party while they're here. So that should be fun, plus it's a good goal for me to have as far as getting my place in tip-top shape.
Now onto the next topic: online dating. So far, it has been horrible. For one, it literally feels like a chore having to go through all these messages and filtering out everyone who so obviously doesn't meet my aforementioned requirements. Why bother messaging me if you live halfway across the country, when it clearly states in my profile that I don't want a long distance relationship!? Ugh... I've been on ONE whopping date. And that guy turned out to be a stalker. Literally. He will not stop texting me. I tried to let him down easy... After our first date, I realized that I was not attracted to him and we had no chemistry, but I was nice to him, because he was a nice guy. So I just sort of slowly decreased our interactions. Basically I took longer to respond to his texts until eventually I just didn't respond at all. Well this date we went on took place in mid-April. The last time I responded to one of his texts was on April 21, when I told him that I was too busy with finals and moving to go out with him. I figured he would get the hint eventually if I just stopped texting him, but clearly, he hasn't gotten it yet. I got another text message from him about 20 minutes ago (4am!!) asking me if I'm awake! WTF DUDE?! SERIOUSLY!? He has sent me now 10 messages over the last 2 weeks, all of which I have ignored and he still won't leave me alone. Thank god I've moved and he know longer knows where I live. (I allowed him to drive me home from our date.) Anyways, so I'm feeling very discouraged and frustrated with the online dating thing. I've decided it's definitely not for me, but I have like a month and a half left of my subscription, so I'm stuck with it for now. ((Sigh))
Anyway, when I got home a little bit ago, I was unpacking a small box full of old birthday cards and such, and I was reading through them when I found one from Brandon. It was a Valentine's Day card. He wrote, "I know at times it may seem like I don't care very much about things, but I just want you to know how special you are to me in my heart. Lots of love and smiles, Brandon."
And there was one of those little recorded voice things in it, and he said my nickname, just a silly pet name he'd given me, and then it started playing the song My Girl. It was really weird seeing that because I've finally developed enough distance and detachment that I'm not automatically filled with regret at the thought of Brandon. It wasn't a feeling of loss,it was just...emptiness. Not loneliness, but melancholy I guess. I don't know, I just feel...unfulfilled. Hungry. I mean, I want love so badly, but I just can't seem to find it. And there doesn't really seem to be anything I can do to help myself. ((Sigh))
Well, I should go to sleep. It's 4:24am and I'm meeting Sophie and Brent for brunch at 12:30. Tomorrow is my first official day of summer. No school and no work. And I plan to thoroughly enjoy it.
The move went smoothly, all things considered. Katie helped me paint the new place (a light, minty turquoise, which I love!) before I actually moved in. I have been trying to unpack a few boxes each day, but I feel like I just have so many projects to do! Shelves/curtains/pictures to hang. I've turned into quite the self-taught handyman. Lol. Sorta...
Anyway, Bethany and Carrie are both coming to visit for my birthday weekend!! I'm so excited. Taryn was supposed to come too, but apparently she has been taking a lot of trips lately so she couldn't afford to come. But Carrie and Bethany and I are definitely going to have a blast. I'm also going to be hosting a housewarming/birthday party while they're here. So that should be fun, plus it's a good goal for me to have as far as getting my place in tip-top shape.
Now onto the next topic: online dating. So far, it has been horrible. For one, it literally feels like a chore having to go through all these messages and filtering out everyone who so obviously doesn't meet my aforementioned requirements. Why bother messaging me if you live halfway across the country, when it clearly states in my profile that I don't want a long distance relationship!? Ugh... I've been on ONE whopping date. And that guy turned out to be a stalker. Literally. He will not stop texting me. I tried to let him down easy... After our first date, I realized that I was not attracted to him and we had no chemistry, but I was nice to him, because he was a nice guy. So I just sort of slowly decreased our interactions. Basically I took longer to respond to his texts until eventually I just didn't respond at all. Well this date we went on took place in mid-April. The last time I responded to one of his texts was on April 21, when I told him that I was too busy with finals and moving to go out with him. I figured he would get the hint eventually if I just stopped texting him, but clearly, he hasn't gotten it yet. I got another text message from him about 20 minutes ago (4am!!) asking me if I'm awake! WTF DUDE?! SERIOUSLY!? He has sent me now 10 messages over the last 2 weeks, all of which I have ignored and he still won't leave me alone. Thank god I've moved and he know longer knows where I live. (I allowed him to drive me home from our date.) Anyways, so I'm feeling very discouraged and frustrated with the online dating thing. I've decided it's definitely not for me, but I have like a month and a half left of my subscription, so I'm stuck with it for now. ((Sigh))
Anyway, when I got home a little bit ago, I was unpacking a small box full of old birthday cards and such, and I was reading through them when I found one from Brandon. It was a Valentine's Day card. He wrote, "I know at times it may seem like I don't care very much about things, but I just want you to know how special you are to me in my heart. Lots of love and smiles, Brandon."
And there was one of those little recorded voice things in it, and he said my nickname, just a silly pet name he'd given me, and then it started playing the song My Girl. It was really weird seeing that because I've finally developed enough distance and detachment that I'm not automatically filled with regret at the thought of Brandon. It wasn't a feeling of loss,it was just...emptiness. Not loneliness, but melancholy I guess. I don't know, I just feel...unfulfilled. Hungry. I mean, I want love so badly, but I just can't seem to find it. And there doesn't really seem to be anything I can do to help myself. ((Sigh))
Well, I should go to sleep. It's 4:24am and I'm meeting Sophie and Brent for brunch at 12:30. Tomorrow is my first official day of summer. No school and no work. And I plan to thoroughly enjoy it.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
New Apartment
Put a deposit down on an apartment today! A one bedroom (NOT a studio!) that I can actually afford! And it's only 3 blocks away from where I live now! Coincidentally it is also 3 doors down from my FAVORITE restaurant in the city of Chicago. LOL.
I'm so stoked!!
Move in date is early May.
I'm so stoked!!
Move in date is early May.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Somewhere I Belong
Well here I am, in my new bedroom in Chi-Town (which is currently a disaster), blogging! It's been a very tiring, very trying experience getting here, and unloading, and unpacking, and moving furniture around... Picture this: a 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment full of stuff, crammed into boxes and shoved unceremoniously into 1 bedroom. Because that's pretty much how it happened. ((Sigh)) I've spent almost every free moment up until now working on unpacking and breaking down boxes, and taking the trash out and only now, after 3 solid days of working, do I feel like I can afford to take a break. But I can finally see the floor, and I only have a couple small boxes left to unpack. Don't ask me how I managed, cuz I have no idea.
Last night, I hopped the train over to Sophie and Brent's for dinner. Taylor came too. It was really nice. Being able to sit down to dinner with my sister and extended family. I feel like I actually belong here. :)
Anyway, my dad is still here in town, hanging out. He's staying at Sophie and Brent's place, thank God, cuz I love my dad, but I've been with him for like the past 72 hours. And Sophie works during the day, so I have to entertain him. Which is fine, but I do enjoy some alone time.
Well today is his birthday, so Sophie and I have some entertainment planned, which lucky for me, includes going to see that improv group we caught last time I was here. With the really hot guy, remember?? So I'm uber excited to go see them again! Maybe I'll even get a chance to introduce myself this time...
Saturday, January 1, 2011
On to the Next One
Well the big day is tomorrow. I spent all day packing. With the help of my dad, and a couple other guys, we got the truck all loaded up. Tomorrow I just gotta wrap up a couple of loose ends and then we're headed to Chicago!
I have a lot of stuff to tell you guys, but I'm too exhausted to even type right now, so I promise to catch up from my new room in Chi-Town!
TTFN...
Friday, December 24, 2010
White Christmas
So many great things going on here in Chicago!
Sister and I went an saw an awesome improv show last night, and there was this really hot guy in the show! We also facebook stalked him and found out he's equally as crazy about Harry Potter as I am. He may just be my future husband, this guy. Haha.
I put a deposit down on an apartment, and it's great! Well, it's a condo actually, and I'll be living with 2 guys. One of them is a firefighter, and the other is a bartender. I didn't get to meet the bartender, but I did get to meet Dane, the firefighter. He's kinda shy, and quiet, but really nice. And I bet he has some hot firefighter friends....
Oh, and the place is awesome! My room is big, with it's own door to the outside, perfect for Jasper. There's also a completely fenced-in courtyard in the back for him to play in. And the condo itself is really nice. Dark wood floors, very spacious, 2 floors. Love it! I'm so excited to move here!
Tonight Sophie, Brent, Taylor and I all had lasagna and eggnog, watched a movie, played ghetto scrabble and then went out for a walk around the neighborhood... Which ended up turning into an hour long snowball fight. It was a blast. And I'm so glad I get to have a white Christmas this year, as opposed to the 80 degree weather I left back in Houston!
Well, I just wanted to give you guys a quick update. Hope everyone is having a fabulous holiday!
Happy Christmas!
Love,
Peyton
Saturday, November 20, 2010
A Clean Break
Hey guys,
Someone asked me a couple questions on my last blog, so I figured I would take the time to update you on those things.
1) Law School.
Things with he and I are actually totally back to normal. Which is awesome. We don't talk as much as we used to, but that's mostly because we're both so insanely busy all the time. But he still comes in the bar from time to time, and we hug and catch up. So everything with he and I is great.
2) As for Todd, I wish I could say the same...
I called him once, at the beginning of the season because he suffered an injury, and I had heard it was serious, and I just wanted to see how he was doing. Turns out his injury wasn't as serious as the press was making it out to be, which is good. But our conversation was shallow, and brief, and neither of us talked about any of the issues. Neither of us has tried to contact each other since then either. It's not that I don't want to. I mean, I still really care about him, love him and miss him... But I just don't know what he told Laura, and I know he's not one to keep secrets from her. So I think it's safe to assume he's told her everything, which most likely means she hates me. Or at the least, she isn't comfortable with me and Todd's friendships, and she certainly doesn't want to be friends with me. So out of respect for her, I just...I don't wanna say I gave up, because I will always value Todd's friendship, but at this time, we're just going to have to be friends from a distance. Sometimes I think about sending her an email, explaining everything, or asking her to meet me for coffee. But I know she would tell Todd everything I say, and he might think I'm trying to stir up shit again or something. I dunno...
Now that I'm moving, I've kinda gotten this idea in my head that I'm just going to leave everything from my old life behind, and start completely fresh. Which means I'm not going to stress about Todd, and wonder if he and Laura hate me. And I'm not going to try to mend things, because if he wanted to be my friend, he would have given me a call when he was in town, but he didn't. It's sad, but I'm resigned to this fate I guess. I'm just ready to make a clean break.
Monday, November 8, 2010
53 Days
I'm starting over. Finally. Leaving this life behind, and starting a totally new chapter. In about 53 days, I move to Chicago.
Then I will blog again.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Time Will Tell
Ok I know I promised a new post today, so even though I don't really have much to report, here I am. Things with my Mom are...strained, to say the least. She still comes over once a week but I just don't really know what to say to her, and the atmosphere is very subdued. Although things with my Dad have actually sort of been improving. I guess it's cuz I've been making a noticeable effort to talk to him more, and spend more time with him. I just don't want him to be lonely. ((Sigh))
My first appointment with the therapist is tonight. I'm really nervous. I've never been to any kind of shrink before, and I have no idea what to expect. But...I guess I don't really have anything to lose, right? And if it's not for me, then I don't have to go back. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to afford to go back, but that all just depends on how well it goes I guess.
Every day I fantasize about moving somewhere far away, where nobody knows me and I can just...start fresh. I still want to go to that school in Chicago, but even that seems almost unlikely. Just because I don't think I'll be able to afford it, and now that my parents are separating, I'm not sure my mom's promise to help me financially still stands. I don't even know how she can afford to pay her own bills without my dad. But who knows...I'm still going to apply, and if I get in, maybe I can get some financial aid or something.
I did finally talk to Sophie. I called her on Friday afternoon, and we got into an argument. I told her she was being too flippant about everything, and asked her how it is that this doesn't seem to bother her. And she argued that she couldn't understand why it was bothering me so much, saying, "Don't you just want them to be happy? If Mom isn't happy with Dad, then she shouldn't stay with him." Her callousness and general lack of concern for the entire situation was not only upsetting me, it was making me angry. She's not here. She doesn't know how it really is. And the only person she seems to talk to is Mom, so how could she possibly know the whole story!?
But she called me back the next day and apologized for being combative, and she said she did think maybe there was something more she could do. I explained to her about how I was worried about Dad. I mean, Mom talks like marrying Dad was a mistake from the start, and the only reason they stayed together was because of Sophie and I, and that she was just settling. But then Dad talks like she's just going through some kind of midlife crisis, and she'll get over it and come home eventually. But I'm not so sure that's going to happen... But I hope, for all of our sakes that it is. Only time will tell.
Oh well, at least Sophie and I are on some kind of common ground now. She'll be here visiting in a couple of weeks, Father's Day weekend, and we're going to try and do something fun with Dad, like...go carts or something, I dunno.
Well, I can't stand to think about this anymore, it's just making me feel sullen. I'm gonna go back to my book. Wish me luck tonight.
My first appointment with the therapist is tonight. I'm really nervous. I've never been to any kind of shrink before, and I have no idea what to expect. But...I guess I don't really have anything to lose, right? And if it's not for me, then I don't have to go back. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to afford to go back, but that all just depends on how well it goes I guess.
Every day I fantasize about moving somewhere far away, where nobody knows me and I can just...start fresh. I still want to go to that school in Chicago, but even that seems almost unlikely. Just because I don't think I'll be able to afford it, and now that my parents are separating, I'm not sure my mom's promise to help me financially still stands. I don't even know how she can afford to pay her own bills without my dad. But who knows...I'm still going to apply, and if I get in, maybe I can get some financial aid or something.
I did finally talk to Sophie. I called her on Friday afternoon, and we got into an argument. I told her she was being too flippant about everything, and asked her how it is that this doesn't seem to bother her. And she argued that she couldn't understand why it was bothering me so much, saying, "Don't you just want them to be happy? If Mom isn't happy with Dad, then she shouldn't stay with him." Her callousness and general lack of concern for the entire situation was not only upsetting me, it was making me angry. She's not here. She doesn't know how it really is. And the only person she seems to talk to is Mom, so how could she possibly know the whole story!?
But she called me back the next day and apologized for being combative, and she said she did think maybe there was something more she could do. I explained to her about how I was worried about Dad. I mean, Mom talks like marrying Dad was a mistake from the start, and the only reason they stayed together was because of Sophie and I, and that she was just settling. But then Dad talks like she's just going through some kind of midlife crisis, and she'll get over it and come home eventually. But I'm not so sure that's going to happen... But I hope, for all of our sakes that it is. Only time will tell.
Oh well, at least Sophie and I are on some kind of common ground now. She'll be here visiting in a couple of weeks, Father's Day weekend, and we're going to try and do something fun with Dad, like...go carts or something, I dunno.
Well, I can't stand to think about this anymore, it's just making me feel sullen. I'm gonna go back to my book. Wish me luck tonight.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Tough Love
So last night, right after I got in bed of course, I get a text from Bethany that says, "I'm moving in ;)" and I'm like, FUUUUUUUUUUCK.
So I call her, just...completely frustrated and exasperated. I just wanted to go to sleep!
So I'm like, "Look, I really don't think you moving in here is a good idea."
"Why?"
I sighed, "Because of a lot of things that we need to talk about I just didn't wanna bring it up before, because you had so much other stuff going on, and I didn't wanna pile anything else on your plate."
"I gotta go." She said quickly and hung up.
Whatever! I thought, and I laid back down and pulled the covers up over my head.
Ten minutes later, the phone rang. Bethany.
"Hello?"
"Ok so...why don't you think it's a good idea that I move in with you?" She asked in an accusing tone.
"Because, lately I've been feeling like this is a one-sided friendship! As soon as I started this new job, it was like you just...replaced me with Summer! And I'm not jealous of Summer or anything, it's just... No one ever calls me anymore, nobody returns my phone calls, you guys are always doing stuff, and I never know what's going on. And it's like...you don't even care what's going on in my life! And I mean, after I took you to the game, I never saw you or heard from you again, it was like you didn't even appreciate it! And then I go all this time without hearing from you, and as soon as you break up with Tugg and you need me to be there for you, then you start calling me again."
"Ok, first of all, I did thank you, several times while we were there, for taking me to the game. And you were talking shit about me, right in front of my face, to your mom on the phone, on the way home!"
"No. I wasn't talking shit. I was pissed off, and you knew exactly why, and I had absolutely no problem saying that in front of you! I mean, you knew why I was there. I wanted to watch Todd play, and I wanted to get there early, but none of you cared about that when you were curling your hair and putting on your fake eyelashes! What that said to me, was you didn't appreciate it, and you were only worried about yourself."
"Well I'm sorry, " She huffed, "But I did appreciate you taking me, and the phone works 2 ways, Peyton! You could have called me too! And I can't believe you're sitting here telling me what a shitty friend I am when I'm dealing with a crisis here! I just ended a 6 year relationship with the man I thought I was going to marry!"
"See, THIS is exactly what I'm talking about. I don't think you're a "shitty friend". And I know you're dealing with a lot of stuff! And that's why I never said anything, but it's like you've been so selfish lately! You can't see anything outside your own bubble, Bethany. And how many times are you going to do this back and forth shit? I mean think about Tugg! Think about what you're doing to him! I mean, you break up, then you get back together, then you continue talking to Ben's cousin, even though you know it's a bad idea. Every time you do this, you call me wanting my advice, but you never listen! So what's the point?? If you have to break up with Tugg, fine! But don't keep stringing him along and dragging everybody else into your shit, because it's not fair to him, and it's not fair to your friends! How are we supposed to be there for you when you do this so much it's exasperating!? How am I supposed to know when to take you seriously? That's why I don't think it's a good idea for you to move in. Because...I just don't think it's in the best interest of our friendship right now. And I do love you, and I do value our friendship, but I just think you need to do this on your own."
Bethany sighed and I could feel her deflating. I knew I'd been a little bit hard on her, but I really felt like she needed to hear that. Better coming from me, someone who does really care about her, than from someone else though, right?
After that, we talked a little bit longer, and we both agreed that we both need to put more effort into our friendship. Tugg was in Vegas this past weekend and when he came back, she told him she just wasn't in love with him anymore. And I guess he was tired of yelling and crying about it, so he just said ok. And I'm not really that surprised about it, because I'm sure Tugg realized on his trip, that being single isn't the worst thing in the world. And hopefully Bethany will realize that soon too.
I made sure to tell her I loved her before we hung up. She told me to call her tomorrow. I feel really guilty for telling her she can't move in but...I just have too much going on to deal with that. I work so much, I hardly have time to clean, and I really value my time alone to unwind. I'm used to having a place to myself, and I feel like having a roommate at this point in my life, so last minute, will just...stress me out. I'm trying to minimize the drama in my life, not make it worse. And her moving in would definitely not help. Plus, my spare room is for my photography studio, and that's what I've been using it for! If she were to move in, where would I put all that stuff?? I'm talking 10 feet long backdrops, lights, boomers, all kinds of equipment! I would have no place to put it, and that would just stress me out too. And I told her that on the phone too. So I think she understands. I hope she does. And while I feel relieved that I finally got all that stuff off my chest, and I feel like I can really forgive Bethany and things can go back to being the way they were, why do I feel so guilty??
Am I abandoning my friend in a time of need??
So I call her, just...completely frustrated and exasperated. I just wanted to go to sleep!
So I'm like, "Look, I really don't think you moving in here is a good idea."
"Why?"
I sighed, "Because of a lot of things that we need to talk about I just didn't wanna bring it up before, because you had so much other stuff going on, and I didn't wanna pile anything else on your plate."
"I gotta go." She said quickly and hung up.
Whatever! I thought, and I laid back down and pulled the covers up over my head.
Ten minutes later, the phone rang. Bethany.
"Hello?"
"Ok so...why don't you think it's a good idea that I move in with you?" She asked in an accusing tone.
"Because, lately I've been feeling like this is a one-sided friendship! As soon as I started this new job, it was like you just...replaced me with Summer! And I'm not jealous of Summer or anything, it's just... No one ever calls me anymore, nobody returns my phone calls, you guys are always doing stuff, and I never know what's going on. And it's like...you don't even care what's going on in my life! And I mean, after I took you to the game, I never saw you or heard from you again, it was like you didn't even appreciate it! And then I go all this time without hearing from you, and as soon as you break up with Tugg and you need me to be there for you, then you start calling me again."
"Ok, first of all, I did thank you, several times while we were there, for taking me to the game. And you were talking shit about me, right in front of my face, to your mom on the phone, on the way home!"
"No. I wasn't talking shit. I was pissed off, and you knew exactly why, and I had absolutely no problem saying that in front of you! I mean, you knew why I was there. I wanted to watch Todd play, and I wanted to get there early, but none of you cared about that when you were curling your hair and putting on your fake eyelashes! What that said to me, was you didn't appreciate it, and you were only worried about yourself."
"Well I'm sorry, " She huffed, "But I did appreciate you taking me, and the phone works 2 ways, Peyton! You could have called me too! And I can't believe you're sitting here telling me what a shitty friend I am when I'm dealing with a crisis here! I just ended a 6 year relationship with the man I thought I was going to marry!"
"See, THIS is exactly what I'm talking about. I don't think you're a "shitty friend". And I know you're dealing with a lot of stuff! And that's why I never said anything, but it's like you've been so selfish lately! You can't see anything outside your own bubble, Bethany. And how many times are you going to do this back and forth shit? I mean think about Tugg! Think about what you're doing to him! I mean, you break up, then you get back together, then you continue talking to Ben's cousin, even though you know it's a bad idea. Every time you do this, you call me wanting my advice, but you never listen! So what's the point?? If you have to break up with Tugg, fine! But don't keep stringing him along and dragging everybody else into your shit, because it's not fair to him, and it's not fair to your friends! How are we supposed to be there for you when you do this so much it's exasperating!? How am I supposed to know when to take you seriously? That's why I don't think it's a good idea for you to move in. Because...I just don't think it's in the best interest of our friendship right now. And I do love you, and I do value our friendship, but I just think you need to do this on your own."
Bethany sighed and I could feel her deflating. I knew I'd been a little bit hard on her, but I really felt like she needed to hear that. Better coming from me, someone who does really care about her, than from someone else though, right?
After that, we talked a little bit longer, and we both agreed that we both need to put more effort into our friendship. Tugg was in Vegas this past weekend and when he came back, she told him she just wasn't in love with him anymore. And I guess he was tired of yelling and crying about it, so he just said ok. And I'm not really that surprised about it, because I'm sure Tugg realized on his trip, that being single isn't the worst thing in the world. And hopefully Bethany will realize that soon too.
I made sure to tell her I loved her before we hung up. She told me to call her tomorrow. I feel really guilty for telling her she can't move in but...I just have too much going on to deal with that. I work so much, I hardly have time to clean, and I really value my time alone to unwind. I'm used to having a place to myself, and I feel like having a roommate at this point in my life, so last minute, will just...stress me out. I'm trying to minimize the drama in my life, not make it worse. And her moving in would definitely not help. Plus, my spare room is for my photography studio, and that's what I've been using it for! If she were to move in, where would I put all that stuff?? I'm talking 10 feet long backdrops, lights, boomers, all kinds of equipment! I would have no place to put it, and that would just stress me out too. And I told her that on the phone too. So I think she understands. I hope she does. And while I feel relieved that I finally got all that stuff off my chest, and I feel like I can really forgive Bethany and things can go back to being the way they were, why do I feel so guilty??
Am I abandoning my friend in a time of need??
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Moving
When I got to work last night, there he was, outside. Standing there with Greg, Gavin, and The Albanian. He saw me approaching and turned to walk away, hoping to avoid me I guess. But I tapped him on the shoulder.
"Give me my key back." I demanded.
He didn't say anything, he just took his keys out of his pocket.
"Oh, so it's like that..." The Albanian said. I ignored him.
Gavin stared, wide eyed, while Greg turn his head the other way, looking sheepish.
"Did you bring my glasses?" Brandon asked, as he removed the key from the ring.
"Oh, yea...I guess you should have thought about your glasses when you broke into my apartment to get your weed back. You're not getting any of your shit back."
As I stormed off, I heard him say, "I didn't break in...", quietly, to whoever was standing there.
Work sucked. He was bartending last night, so of course I kept running into him.
((Sigh)) The truth is, I hate being mean to him. It feels good in the moment, but at the end of the day, it just makes me cry. Because I still love him. And I hate that I love him.
I long to run my fingers through his hair, feel his smooth, warm skin, wrap my arms around him. I miss the taste of his lips...
And the thought of some other girl touching that skin, tasting those lips, wrapping her arms around him...it makes me want to vomit.
Every night when I go to sleep, I just wish I could just rewind everything that has happened, go back 2 weeks ago, and open my eyes, and he would be laying there next to me. I wish it had never come to this. Never.
After the first week, I felt like it was starting to get a little easier. But ever since I found out he snuck into my apartment, and he "just wants to be friends now" and "get along" it's like...everything is hitting me all at once. I can't deal with this. I've reached my emotional limit. I am overflowing. I'm afraid I'm going to have an emotional breakdown.
I miss him sooo much.
I started moving today. I really like the new apartment, but it's so....empty. And I feel even more alone now. This new apartment has nothing of him in it. I guess it's better that way, but it's so much harder.
I've never felt so rejected, or so alone in my whole life.
"Give me my key back." I demanded.
He didn't say anything, he just took his keys out of his pocket.
"Oh, so it's like that..." The Albanian said. I ignored him.
Gavin stared, wide eyed, while Greg turn his head the other way, looking sheepish.
"Did you bring my glasses?" Brandon asked, as he removed the key from the ring.
"Oh, yea...I guess you should have thought about your glasses when you broke into my apartment to get your weed back. You're not getting any of your shit back."
As I stormed off, I heard him say, "I didn't break in...", quietly, to whoever was standing there.
Work sucked. He was bartending last night, so of course I kept running into him.
((Sigh)) The truth is, I hate being mean to him. It feels good in the moment, but at the end of the day, it just makes me cry. Because I still love him. And I hate that I love him.
I long to run my fingers through his hair, feel his smooth, warm skin, wrap my arms around him. I miss the taste of his lips...
And the thought of some other girl touching that skin, tasting those lips, wrapping her arms around him...it makes me want to vomit.
Every night when I go to sleep, I just wish I could just rewind everything that has happened, go back 2 weeks ago, and open my eyes, and he would be laying there next to me. I wish it had never come to this. Never.
After the first week, I felt like it was starting to get a little easier. But ever since I found out he snuck into my apartment, and he "just wants to be friends now" and "get along" it's like...everything is hitting me all at once. I can't deal with this. I've reached my emotional limit. I am overflowing. I'm afraid I'm going to have an emotional breakdown.
I miss him sooo much.
I started moving today. I really like the new apartment, but it's so....empty. And I feel even more alone now. This new apartment has nothing of him in it. I guess it's better that way, but it's so much harder.
I've never felt so rejected, or so alone in my whole life.
Friday, August 21, 2009
My Mom Stole My Weed (Thursday Night: Part II)
Tonight after work, Brandon walked up to the bar and said, "Hey."
I ignored him. Surely, he couldn't be talking to me.
"Hey, Peyton."
I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Yes?"
"Could you bring my glasses tomorrow?"
"Can I bring your glasses." I made it a statement.
"Yea...it's just a question..."
I didn't stop what I was doing, so as not to give him my full attention, and mostly, because I can't bear to look him in the eye.
"Yea, I have a whole bag of your shit, it's just at my place."
"So...should I wait?"
"Wait for what?"
"Well you said you had a bunch of my stuff..."
"Yea, at home. I'll bring it tomorrow." I walked off.
"There's no need for you to be hostile." He said.
"Look, Brandon, I just...don't wanna talk to you ok?"
"Why? I don't understand why you're mad at me?"
"You don't understand??" I sighed in frustrated exasperation. "Just...leave me alone, there is no reason for us to continue this conversation, and I have nothing else to say to you. I'll bring your shit tomorrow." I slammed the check presenter shut that I was wiping.
He finally walked off.
I can't believe he thinks I'm just gonna be nice to him, after all the hurtful things he said to me. What, like I'm just supposed to act like it never happened, and everything is hunkydorey!?!?
((Sigh))
After he left, Greg asked me what Brandon had asked for. I replayed the conversation for him.
"Do you think I was being too...hostile?"
"No, baby! Not at all, he said some really mean things to you, and there's no reason for you to not feel that way. Let him deal with it." Greg reassured me.
As soon as we finished counting tips, Greg's phone started ringing, he held it out to show me that it was Brandon calling. They chatted for a minute, Greg glanced my way a few times, then they hung up.
"He wants you to call him. He says you guys need to talk."
"ME?? No way! I am not calling him. Why does he suddenly want to talk??"
"I dunno, he said he's been blowing up your phone or something."
I checked my phone, no missed called, but 3 new texts.
1) We need to talk
2) Is this how you handle things? I know you have a least a little care for me. I don't like doing this. Will you call me please when you get off.
3) I don't want to argue with you. I just want to make simple peace with you. You can't avoid me. I work with you Peyton. It's just going to get worse if you keep building this hate for me.
Now, before you all go taking his side, let me just point out a few things.
1) Exactly a week ago, I wanted to talk. Before we broke up, before any of this shit went down, I sent him a very similar text, asking him to call me when he got off, or stop by, because I really wanted to talk to him. He didn't even do me the courtesy of responding. Why does he suddenly care?? Why is talking so important now that we're broken up, but it didn't matter when we were together?!? WTF?!???
2) I am so hurt right now, everything he said to me... And all signs are pointing to he wants to fuck some other girl(s)...so yes. This is how I'm handling it. I'm channeling my hurt, into anger. Towards him. Because if I can't get him out of my sight, I can't get him out of my mind. And the more I think about it, the more it hurts, and the harder it is for me to move on.
3) Peace? PEACE?!?!?! YOU BROKE MY FUCKING HEART, YOU BASTARD! I'M NOT GONNA BE YOUR FUCKING BEST BUDDY! AND IT SURE IS HELL ISN'T MY JOB TO MAKE LIFE MORE CONVENIENT FOR YOU! The only reason he even suddenly cares is because work is becoming hard, inconvenient. It's always about him! And you know what??? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!! Grow a pair of balls, and deal with it yourself you fucking pussy, because I'm not going to help you make your life easier any more. I'm done. Done wasting my words, my time, my effort, and my emotions on you, if I can help it. So, no. We will not make "simple peace" just so you can go to work, and slap a smile on your face, and pretend everything is fine when IT'S NOT.
((Sigh!))
I'm fine at work. I can do my job without talking to him or acting like we're friends. It's not my problem if he can't.
Greg followed me home to pick up some weed I owe him for agreeing to help me move this weekend. When we got to my place, the weed was gone. My mom, did something with it! Ughhhh... She was helping me pack today, and I left before her, so she must've found it. Just fucking great. I'm definitely going to have to have an interesting phone conversation with my mom tomorrow. Ughh... And now I have nothing to offer Greg as payment for helping me. But he's a sweetheart so he said he'll still help. He ended up hanging out for about an hour and talking with me about the Brandon situation. Apparently they talked on the phone the whole way to my place. Brandon said he really wants to talk to me and "work things out". But I told Greg how I feel. That is, everything I wrote above. And he said he completely understands, and that everything I said is justifiable. Apparently, Brandon doesn't think he said anything mean to me. He said something like,
"What, I didn't cheat on her or do anything bad! I've had my heart broken way worse by girls who have cheated on me blabla..."
Of course, but this isn't about him, or his feelings. It's about me and my feelings. You can't compare his past breakups to this one! I told all this to Greg, and he agreed.
He still thinks we should talk though. But I told him, the bottom line is, there's nothing Brandon can say, no answers he can give me, whether truthful or not, that will make me feel better. I'd rather just...not talk to him at all. Anything he says, is only gonna make the pain cut deeper, and last longer. I'm done. Done. Done. Done.
And again, the only reason he even cares, is because something in his life that was once easy, is now complicated. He's not worried about me! He's not concerned about my well being! He's worried about himself. Fuck him. Fuck his self-interests.
I gave him everything. Everything I had. Everything I would have wanted, and more. And he just said...no.
I don't want it.
It's not good enough.
You're not pretty enough.
And he threw it all back in my face. That is how I feel. And I just...cannot reconcile with someone who makes me feel that way.
It's the worst feeling. To give everything you have, and it not be enough. To love, with abandon, so wholly, so completely, despite everything, and...just be...cast aside.
As for the other things, i.e. taking a class, focusing on my career. I'm 3 steps ahead of you guys. I've updated my resume, and sent it out to a few people I know in the industry I wanna work in. And I've started taking piano lessons again. So...I'm doing everything I can so keep myself together. Piano is a really good outlet for my emotions. And I'm just hoping, so hard, that I'll find a job, and soon, and that I can get the hell out of the bar, and away from Brandon for good.
I ignored him. Surely, he couldn't be talking to me.
"Hey, Peyton."
I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Yes?"
"Could you bring my glasses tomorrow?"
"Can I bring your glasses." I made it a statement.
"Yea...it's just a question..."
I didn't stop what I was doing, so as not to give him my full attention, and mostly, because I can't bear to look him in the eye.
"Yea, I have a whole bag of your shit, it's just at my place."
"So...should I wait?"
"Wait for what?"
"Well you said you had a bunch of my stuff..."
"Yea, at home. I'll bring it tomorrow." I walked off.
"There's no need for you to be hostile." He said.
"Look, Brandon, I just...don't wanna talk to you ok?"
"Why? I don't understand why you're mad at me?"
"You don't understand??" I sighed in frustrated exasperation. "Just...leave me alone, there is no reason for us to continue this conversation, and I have nothing else to say to you. I'll bring your shit tomorrow." I slammed the check presenter shut that I was wiping.
He finally walked off.
I can't believe he thinks I'm just gonna be nice to him, after all the hurtful things he said to me. What, like I'm just supposed to act like it never happened, and everything is hunkydorey!?!?
((Sigh))
After he left, Greg asked me what Brandon had asked for. I replayed the conversation for him.
"Do you think I was being too...hostile?"
"No, baby! Not at all, he said some really mean things to you, and there's no reason for you to not feel that way. Let him deal with it." Greg reassured me.
As soon as we finished counting tips, Greg's phone started ringing, he held it out to show me that it was Brandon calling. They chatted for a minute, Greg glanced my way a few times, then they hung up.
"He wants you to call him. He says you guys need to talk."
"ME?? No way! I am not calling him. Why does he suddenly want to talk??"
"I dunno, he said he's been blowing up your phone or something."
I checked my phone, no missed called, but 3 new texts.
1) We need to talk
2) Is this how you handle things? I know you have a least a little care for me. I don't like doing this. Will you call me please when you get off.
3) I don't want to argue with you. I just want to make simple peace with you. You can't avoid me. I work with you Peyton. It's just going to get worse if you keep building this hate for me.
Now, before you all go taking his side, let me just point out a few things.
1) Exactly a week ago, I wanted to talk. Before we broke up, before any of this shit went down, I sent him a very similar text, asking him to call me when he got off, or stop by, because I really wanted to talk to him. He didn't even do me the courtesy of responding. Why does he suddenly care?? Why is talking so important now that we're broken up, but it didn't matter when we were together?!? WTF?!???
2) I am so hurt right now, everything he said to me... And all signs are pointing to he wants to fuck some other girl(s)...so yes. This is how I'm handling it. I'm channeling my hurt, into anger. Towards him. Because if I can't get him out of my sight, I can't get him out of my mind. And the more I think about it, the more it hurts, and the harder it is for me to move on.
3) Peace? PEACE?!?!?! YOU BROKE MY FUCKING HEART, YOU BASTARD! I'M NOT GONNA BE YOUR FUCKING BEST BUDDY! AND IT SURE IS HELL ISN'T MY JOB TO MAKE LIFE MORE CONVENIENT FOR YOU! The only reason he even suddenly cares is because work is becoming hard, inconvenient. It's always about him! And you know what??? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!! Grow a pair of balls, and deal with it yourself you fucking pussy, because I'm not going to help you make your life easier any more. I'm done. Done wasting my words, my time, my effort, and my emotions on you, if I can help it. So, no. We will not make "simple peace" just so you can go to work, and slap a smile on your face, and pretend everything is fine when IT'S NOT.
((Sigh!))
I'm fine at work. I can do my job without talking to him or acting like we're friends. It's not my problem if he can't.
Greg followed me home to pick up some weed I owe him for agreeing to help me move this weekend. When we got to my place, the weed was gone. My mom, did something with it! Ughhhh... She was helping me pack today, and I left before her, so she must've found it. Just fucking great. I'm definitely going to have to have an interesting phone conversation with my mom tomorrow. Ughh... And now I have nothing to offer Greg as payment for helping me. But he's a sweetheart so he said he'll still help. He ended up hanging out for about an hour and talking with me about the Brandon situation. Apparently they talked on the phone the whole way to my place. Brandon said he really wants to talk to me and "work things out". But I told Greg how I feel. That is, everything I wrote above. And he said he completely understands, and that everything I said is justifiable. Apparently, Brandon doesn't think he said anything mean to me. He said something like,
"What, I didn't cheat on her or do anything bad! I've had my heart broken way worse by girls who have cheated on me blabla..."
Of course, but this isn't about him, or his feelings. It's about me and my feelings. You can't compare his past breakups to this one! I told all this to Greg, and he agreed.
He still thinks we should talk though. But I told him, the bottom line is, there's nothing Brandon can say, no answers he can give me, whether truthful or not, that will make me feel better. I'd rather just...not talk to him at all. Anything he says, is only gonna make the pain cut deeper, and last longer. I'm done. Done. Done. Done.
And again, the only reason he even cares, is because something in his life that was once easy, is now complicated. He's not worried about me! He's not concerned about my well being! He's worried about himself. Fuck him. Fuck his self-interests.
I gave him everything. Everything I had. Everything I would have wanted, and more. And he just said...no.
I don't want it.
It's not good enough.
You're not pretty enough.
And he threw it all back in my face. That is how I feel. And I just...cannot reconcile with someone who makes me feel that way.
It's the worst feeling. To give everything you have, and it not be enough. To love, with abandon, so wholly, so completely, despite everything, and...just be...cast aside.
As for the other things, i.e. taking a class, focusing on my career. I'm 3 steps ahead of you guys. I've updated my resume, and sent it out to a few people I know in the industry I wanna work in. And I've started taking piano lessons again. So...I'm doing everything I can so keep myself together. Piano is a really good outlet for my emotions. And I'm just hoping, so hard, that I'll find a job, and soon, and that I can get the hell out of the bar, and away from Brandon for good.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Home Sweet Home
I lost track of my traveling journal after that last night. We did end up making it back to Slovakia that night though. Emma and I were both so relieved to get away from Stajno and DavÃd! We rested up a day in Slovakia and then took a train to Prague the next day to meet up with Sophie and Brent. We had so much fun with them! And it was totally awesome to not be the odd person out for once. And of course it was just wonderful being with Sophie and Brent. Like a breath of fresh air! Prague was beautiful, and fun, and we stayed in a really nice hostel. The train was cool too, cuz I'd never ridden one before. Of course, we actually had to backpack there though, so Emma and I were exhausted and sore when we got back. And then finally, it was time for me to fly home! I was soooooo happy!
I had a plane from Slovakia to Prague, then from Prague to Amsterdam, and then from Amsterdam back to the states. But unfortunately, my plane from Prague to Amsterdam got wayyyy delayed, which made me miss my plane back into the states! I was soooo pissed. I mean I was that close to getting home! And I just wanted to see Brandon and Jasper!! ((Sigh)) But the airlines put me up in a hotel in Amsterdam for the night. The hotel was really nice, but of course it was literally out in the middle of nowhere, so I couldn't even go check out any cafes or anything. I was pretty pissed about that. Except that by this time, not only was I tired, but I was developing an eye infection from my contacts, and one of my tooth fillings had popped out! It was in pretty bad shape. I called my mom, all upset and told her what was going on, and she made me feel better, and promised to make me dentist and eye doctor appointments for the day I got back.
Brandon was originally supposed to pick me up from the airport, but since I didn't make my first plane, he wasn't able to. So my dad picked me up. The flight was long, and there was a horrible child, screaming the whole way, with horrible parents, who just continued to reward her for her horrible behavior. Ugh. I can't stand people like that. But finally I made it. And now, I'm writing to you from my couch, and I'm back, and all in one piece. ((Phew!))
I know it's been a while since I've written, and already so many things have happened since I've been back. But I've hardly had a second to spare! Here's a quick summary of what I've been dealing with.
1) I have to move. Pretty much immediately, but I found a pretty awesome place today, and I'm gonna go sign the lease tomorrow
2) Two new girls at work. One of them I like, the other one I hate, because she incessantly flirts with Brandon!!!!!
3) Brandon's Daddy issues are flaring up again. Apparently he missed his stepmom's father's funeral or something, and so his dad is all pissed at him, which led to a full-on, drunken, disaster of a night this weekend. I don't even wanna get into that...
4) Have I mentioned my new guy friend? I met him just before I left. He moved here recently, and we've hung out (in groups!) a couple times. He's just lots of fun.
5) I have absolutely no tolerance for alcohol anymore. Not since Europe. So this story I have to tell you guys.
Last Tuesday, Brandon and I decided to go out for drinks, just the 2 of us. But then, we ended up running into Tug, and it just turned into a huge group of our coworkers, and we were all partying and having a good time. This was also the first time I'd seen a lot of these people since I'd been back, so they were all buying me shots and stuff. Well, at the end of the night, Brandon is dropping his friend off at his car, so Bethany and I are waiting for him. And I plop my ass down in this tree. Please note, I didn't climb the tree, it was just a short tree, with a perfect spot for sitting, so I sat. About 5 minutes later, there were fire ants, allllll over me! And of course, by the time I realize this, they're all inside my pants and everything. So Bethany and I are frantically trying to get these ants off, and I'm freaking out, and I somehow cut my arm on a fence, pretty bad too, but I have no recollection of doing so. And then I have to take my pants off, and Tug is laughing at me... ((Sigh))
The next morning, I woke up with over a hundred ant bites. And most of them are on my ass. Seriously. In verrrrrry private places. I had a thong on that night. Ugh. It sucks. BAD. I mean, it looks like I have severe diaper rash on the side of my butt. I don't even wanna put a swim suit on!! The ones on my feet are the most bothersome though, because it hurts to wear shoes, and my toes are all swollen. ((Sigh)) So yea. That's my drunken story. It's pretty funny actually now that I think about it.
Well, anyways... I hope I've satisfied your blog cravings. Sorry I've been MIA. That's going to change now though! Now that I'm all caught up, I can start blogging regularly again. As soon as I finish editing my photos from Europe, I'll try to post some. And if there's anything anyone wants to know, please ask!! Cuz I'm sure I've probably missed some things.
Well, now I really gotta get to bed, cuz I gotta pool party to go to tomorrow! :)
Ciao!!
I had a plane from Slovakia to Prague, then from Prague to Amsterdam, and then from Amsterdam back to the states. But unfortunately, my plane from Prague to Amsterdam got wayyyy delayed, which made me miss my plane back into the states! I was soooo pissed. I mean I was that close to getting home! And I just wanted to see Brandon and Jasper!! ((Sigh)) But the airlines put me up in a hotel in Amsterdam for the night. The hotel was really nice, but of course it was literally out in the middle of nowhere, so I couldn't even go check out any cafes or anything. I was pretty pissed about that. Except that by this time, not only was I tired, but I was developing an eye infection from my contacts, and one of my tooth fillings had popped out! It was in pretty bad shape. I called my mom, all upset and told her what was going on, and she made me feel better, and promised to make me dentist and eye doctor appointments for the day I got back.
Brandon was originally supposed to pick me up from the airport, but since I didn't make my first plane, he wasn't able to. So my dad picked me up. The flight was long, and there was a horrible child, screaming the whole way, with horrible parents, who just continued to reward her for her horrible behavior. Ugh. I can't stand people like that. But finally I made it. And now, I'm writing to you from my couch, and I'm back, and all in one piece. ((Phew!))
I know it's been a while since I've written, and already so many things have happened since I've been back. But I've hardly had a second to spare! Here's a quick summary of what I've been dealing with.
1) I have to move. Pretty much immediately, but I found a pretty awesome place today, and I'm gonna go sign the lease tomorrow
2) Two new girls at work. One of them I like, the other one I hate, because she incessantly flirts with Brandon!!!!!
3) Brandon's Daddy issues are flaring up again. Apparently he missed his stepmom's father's funeral or something, and so his dad is all pissed at him, which led to a full-on, drunken, disaster of a night this weekend. I don't even wanna get into that...
4) Have I mentioned my new guy friend? I met him just before I left. He moved here recently, and we've hung out (in groups!) a couple times. He's just lots of fun.
5) I have absolutely no tolerance for alcohol anymore. Not since Europe. So this story I have to tell you guys.
Last Tuesday, Brandon and I decided to go out for drinks, just the 2 of us. But then, we ended up running into Tug, and it just turned into a huge group of our coworkers, and we were all partying and having a good time. This was also the first time I'd seen a lot of these people since I'd been back, so they were all buying me shots and stuff. Well, at the end of the night, Brandon is dropping his friend off at his car, so Bethany and I are waiting for him. And I plop my ass down in this tree. Please note, I didn't climb the tree, it was just a short tree, with a perfect spot for sitting, so I sat. About 5 minutes later, there were fire ants, allllll over me! And of course, by the time I realize this, they're all inside my pants and everything. So Bethany and I are frantically trying to get these ants off, and I'm freaking out, and I somehow cut my arm on a fence, pretty bad too, but I have no recollection of doing so. And then I have to take my pants off, and Tug is laughing at me... ((Sigh))
The next morning, I woke up with over a hundred ant bites. And most of them are on my ass. Seriously. In verrrrrry private places. I had a thong on that night. Ugh. It sucks. BAD. I mean, it looks like I have severe diaper rash on the side of my butt. I don't even wanna put a swim suit on!! The ones on my feet are the most bothersome though, because it hurts to wear shoes, and my toes are all swollen. ((Sigh)) So yea. That's my drunken story. It's pretty funny actually now that I think about it.
Well, anyways... I hope I've satisfied your blog cravings. Sorry I've been MIA. That's going to change now though! Now that I'm all caught up, I can start blogging regularly again. As soon as I finish editing my photos from Europe, I'll try to post some. And if there's anything anyone wants to know, please ask!! Cuz I'm sure I've probably missed some things.
Well, now I really gotta get to bed, cuz I gotta pool party to go to tomorrow! :)
Ciao!!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I'm Still Here!
Sorry it's been so long. I've been so busy with moving. Finally, just last night, I got my apartment clean, and looking like someone actually lives here! And just that in itself has alleviated so much stress! I'm sitting comfortably on my couch right now, watching season two of The Office. I just started watching it, and it's pretty freakin' hilarious so far! I LOVE living by myself! It's so liberating, so relaxing, so...AMAZING! Seriously, I just haven't been this happy about anything in a while.
As for Daniel, I'm slowly starting to heal. I can actually go almost a whole day without thinking about him now. And I don't flinch when he pops into my head, or when I hear his name anymore. So...it's starting to get easier, I guess. I haven't seen him at all either so...that probably helps.
Anyways, I have a lot to update you guys on, so I better get started!
Ok, so last Tuesday there was this huge industry party hosted by Red Bull. It was free alcohol and stuff, and only bartenders/bar industry peeps could go, because Red Bull handed out limited passes. So anyways, most of my coworkers were there, and we all got realllllly smashed! I ended up drinking, then going out to the car with Misty and Bethany to smoke, then drinking some more, so I was feeling pretty good.
So, after we came back inside from smoking, John walked up and started talking to me. He was pretty drunk too, and when he gets drunk, he's like...a different person. Literally. Normally he's very composed, and reserved, and calm. When he drinks, it's the complete opposite!
So we're talking, I can't remember about what, and then he says, "Hey could you hold this for me, cuz I think I might drop it."
He was referring to his drink. I had my drink and purse in my left hand, but I took his drink in my right, and gave him a confused look.
"Okaayyy..." I said.
Then he grabs my face in both of his hands and starts kissing me! I was so shocked, I didn't really know how to react! I mean, I froze! And all these emotions were going through my head! Surprise, relief, exhilaration, embarrassment, amusement, anger... I was surprised first, then excited that it was really happening, then embarrassed that everyone was watching, then I kind of wanted to laugh, and then I'd had enough, but he wouldn't let me go when I tried pushing him off me, so I got kinda mad. Lol. And he still wouldn't let go of me! It was like he had me in a vice! And to top it all off, all my coworkers were watching, whooping, and taking pictures!! Then Mr. P. walks up, puts his arms around us both and starts singing... Oh my god, it was horrible. But we were both pretty drunk, and apparently it happened more than once.
Because it was all I heard about for the next week.
The next day, I woke up not knowing what to think. I mean John was really hammered, and towards the end of the night, he was so drunk it was getting obnoxious. I mean he threw an empty beer bottle down Mr. S.'s stairs and then passed out on the kitchen counter. Seriously. Kind of a turnoff. ((sigh))
Oh, and this was after he told me he loved me.
YEA.
Ok so, I had some mixed emotions about it. Mostly because I just didn't want it to happen that way, you know?? I don't like drunk John. I like sober John. ((sigh))
Well I had to go to work Wednesday, and I was dreading all the humiliation I was gonna have to put up with. And Mark of course never let me hear the end of it. Neither did Mr. P., Mr. S. or anyone else that saw for that matter. Which was, apparently, a lot of people. ((sigh)) But oh well. It has to blow over sometime.
Well that night at work, we had a new band play. Not really a band actually, an acoustic act. Just 2 guys and 2 guitars. And one of them was really hot. I mean, the singing, guitar-playing thing is always sexy, but aside from that? HOT. So I got off around 11, and I stayed to have a couple drinks with a couple of the door guys, and Johnny, our regular acoustic guitar guy on Saturdays. And of course, John shows up. It was awkward. That goes without saying.
Well, during one of the band's set breaks, Mr. Rockstar himself approaches our little group. Apparently him and Johnny go way back. He wasn't really hanging out with everyone though, just Johnny, but I kept catching him staring at me. Not even just then, but before, from across the room. But I figured it was probably because I was staring at him. Lol. You know how you can just feel someone looking at you??
So anyways, when they went back up to play, Johnny came up to the bar and sat down next to me.
"Rusty was asking me about you." He said.
"Rusty?"
"Yea, the guy in the band. He was like, 'Who's that? She's hot.'" He replied.
"Really??" I said, trying not to sound too eager, "Well what did you tell him??"
"I told him you were a cool chick, really awesome at piano. He loves piano! He tries to play, but he's not very good. He's way better at guitar. Then I asked him if he wanted me to introduce you, but he said no, cuz that would be too obvious."
"Well did you tell him that I'm single?!" I asked, eyes wide.
"Why? Do you like him?" He raised an eyebrow at me.
"Well, I don't know! I don't even know him. But I'm definitely interested..." I smirked as I started to think about the possibilities.
"Well you should get to know him. He's a cool guy. I've known him for years. We should all hang out sometime!" He suggested.
"Ok, yea. That sounds good."
"Ok, well we'll talk about it when we get to IHOP later." Johnny said.
"What?! We can't talk about it then! Not in front of...people." I hissed.
"What? Ohhhhh... You mean John? He already knows."
"Huh?? Knows what!?" I started to panic.
"Well, he was standing right there when Rusty came up and asked me about you."
"Oh." More like Oh shit was what I was thinking in my head. But it's just as well.
So the next set break they took, I walked up to a group of them standing around and Rusty said, "Who's this?"
"Oh! This is Peyton. Peyton, Rusty." Johnny introduced us, and we shook hands.
I blushed.
I invited him to go to IHOP with us, but he rode with his bandmate, so he had to pass.
But when I got home that night, I friend requested their band on myspace. Not him personally, but the band! Pretty smooth, huh?
Anyways, that's not all the boy drama for Wednesday night. There's more!
When we were getting ready to leave for IHOP John asked to ride with me.
"What? Why? That doesn't make any sense! I live right by IHOP now, and you live in the other direction." I pointed out.
"Yea but...I was hoping to stay at your place tonight..."
I cut him off.
"WHAT!?"
"Well, it's just that my power went out earlier. There was some kind of electrical explosion." He explained.
"Hmmm... Well...just take your own car anyways. I'm going out of town tomorrow and I have a lot of shit to do. We'll talk about it at IHOP."
I wasn't lying about the out of town thing. Bethany and I planned a trip to our old college town just for Thursday night because we both happened to be off. But I really just wasn't comfortable with the idea of John staying over!
1) My apartment was still not in shape for company. I mean, boxes everywhere, laundry strewn about, shit just...in really random places and all unorganized....
2) I was mildly disgusted with John from the night before, and mildly disgusted with myself for letting it happen, and then after hearing about it all freaking day, I just...didn't wanna think about it anymore. About HIM anymore. Know what I mean??
Plus, I wasn't sure what exactly he was assuming about us, or about anything really. Not that I thought he wanted to come over with the intentions of sleeping with me or anything! He told me he'd sleep on the couch but still! I just felt weird about it. And that's never a good situation to be in. So I decided I was gonna have to tell him no.
So we went to IHOP. Me, John, Bethany and Mark. We ate, they made fun of me some more, I got pissed, then it was time to go.
"So are you gonna let me make use of your couch tonight?" John asked as I was getting into my car.
"How do you know your power is even still out?" I asked.
"Because it was still out when I left! And it's 4 am on a Wednesday, I doubt they're going to fix it till tomorrow."
I sighed. "This is just really not a good time for me to be having anyone spend the night!"
"I let you crash at my place twice." He argued.
"WHAT!? I can't believe you're using that against me! That was totally different! I had to drive you home, because you were practically incapacitated drunk! And then I was going to have to drive another 30 minutes just to get to my house! And you asked me to stay!"
He huffed and started to protest.
"Well now the answer is definitely no, because I'm mad at you!" I said.
"Alright then. Fair enough." He said, and walked off.
I slammed my door shut and left. I still can't believe the audacity of him. UGh...
Well, I think I'm going to end with that, because this post is ridiculously long. I'll finish up with the rest of the drama tomorrow!
As for Daniel, I'm slowly starting to heal. I can actually go almost a whole day without thinking about him now. And I don't flinch when he pops into my head, or when I hear his name anymore. So...it's starting to get easier, I guess. I haven't seen him at all either so...that probably helps.
Anyways, I have a lot to update you guys on, so I better get started!
Ok, so last Tuesday there was this huge industry party hosted by Red Bull. It was free alcohol and stuff, and only bartenders/bar industry peeps could go, because Red Bull handed out limited passes. So anyways, most of my coworkers were there, and we all got realllllly smashed! I ended up drinking, then going out to the car with Misty and Bethany to smoke, then drinking some more, so I was feeling pretty good.
So, after we came back inside from smoking, John walked up and started talking to me. He was pretty drunk too, and when he gets drunk, he's like...a different person. Literally. Normally he's very composed, and reserved, and calm. When he drinks, it's the complete opposite!
So we're talking, I can't remember about what, and then he says, "Hey could you hold this for me, cuz I think I might drop it."
He was referring to his drink. I had my drink and purse in my left hand, but I took his drink in my right, and gave him a confused look.
"Okaayyy..." I said.
Then he grabs my face in both of his hands and starts kissing me! I was so shocked, I didn't really know how to react! I mean, I froze! And all these emotions were going through my head! Surprise, relief, exhilaration, embarrassment, amusement, anger... I was surprised first, then excited that it was really happening, then embarrassed that everyone was watching, then I kind of wanted to laugh, and then I'd had enough, but he wouldn't let me go when I tried pushing him off me, so I got kinda mad. Lol. And he still wouldn't let go of me! It was like he had me in a vice! And to top it all off, all my coworkers were watching, whooping, and taking pictures!! Then Mr. P. walks up, puts his arms around us both and starts singing... Oh my god, it was horrible. But we were both pretty drunk, and apparently it happened more than once.
Because it was all I heard about for the next week.
The next day, I woke up not knowing what to think. I mean John was really hammered, and towards the end of the night, he was so drunk it was getting obnoxious. I mean he threw an empty beer bottle down Mr. S.'s stairs and then passed out on the kitchen counter. Seriously. Kind of a turnoff. ((sigh))
Oh, and this was after he told me he loved me.
YEA.
Ok so, I had some mixed emotions about it. Mostly because I just didn't want it to happen that way, you know?? I don't like drunk John. I like sober John. ((sigh))
Well I had to go to work Wednesday, and I was dreading all the humiliation I was gonna have to put up with. And Mark of course never let me hear the end of it. Neither did Mr. P., Mr. S. or anyone else that saw for that matter. Which was, apparently, a lot of people. ((sigh)) But oh well. It has to blow over sometime.
Well that night at work, we had a new band play. Not really a band actually, an acoustic act. Just 2 guys and 2 guitars. And one of them was really hot. I mean, the singing, guitar-playing thing is always sexy, but aside from that? HOT. So I got off around 11, and I stayed to have a couple drinks with a couple of the door guys, and Johnny, our regular acoustic guitar guy on Saturdays. And of course, John shows up. It was awkward. That goes without saying.
Well, during one of the band's set breaks, Mr. Rockstar himself approaches our little group. Apparently him and Johnny go way back. He wasn't really hanging out with everyone though, just Johnny, but I kept catching him staring at me. Not even just then, but before, from across the room. But I figured it was probably because I was staring at him. Lol. You know how you can just feel someone looking at you??
So anyways, when they went back up to play, Johnny came up to the bar and sat down next to me.
"Rusty was asking me about you." He said.
"Rusty?"
"Yea, the guy in the band. He was like, 'Who's that? She's hot.'" He replied.
"Really??" I said, trying not to sound too eager, "Well what did you tell him??"
"I told him you were a cool chick, really awesome at piano. He loves piano! He tries to play, but he's not very good. He's way better at guitar. Then I asked him if he wanted me to introduce you, but he said no, cuz that would be too obvious."
"Well did you tell him that I'm single?!" I asked, eyes wide.
"Why? Do you like him?" He raised an eyebrow at me.
"Well, I don't know! I don't even know him. But I'm definitely interested..." I smirked as I started to think about the possibilities.
"Well you should get to know him. He's a cool guy. I've known him for years. We should all hang out sometime!" He suggested.
"Ok, yea. That sounds good."
"Ok, well we'll talk about it when we get to IHOP later." Johnny said.
"What?! We can't talk about it then! Not in front of...people." I hissed.
"What? Ohhhhh... You mean John? He already knows."
"Huh?? Knows what!?" I started to panic.
"Well, he was standing right there when Rusty came up and asked me about you."
"Oh." More like Oh shit was what I was thinking in my head. But it's just as well.
So the next set break they took, I walked up to a group of them standing around and Rusty said, "Who's this?"
"Oh! This is Peyton. Peyton, Rusty." Johnny introduced us, and we shook hands.
I blushed.
I invited him to go to IHOP with us, but he rode with his bandmate, so he had to pass.
But when I got home that night, I friend requested their band on myspace. Not him personally, but the band! Pretty smooth, huh?
Anyways, that's not all the boy drama for Wednesday night. There's more!
When we were getting ready to leave for IHOP John asked to ride with me.
"What? Why? That doesn't make any sense! I live right by IHOP now, and you live in the other direction." I pointed out.
"Yea but...I was hoping to stay at your place tonight..."
I cut him off.
"WHAT!?"
"Well, it's just that my power went out earlier. There was some kind of electrical explosion." He explained.
"Hmmm... Well...just take your own car anyways. I'm going out of town tomorrow and I have a lot of shit to do. We'll talk about it at IHOP."
I wasn't lying about the out of town thing. Bethany and I planned a trip to our old college town just for Thursday night because we both happened to be off. But I really just wasn't comfortable with the idea of John staying over!
1) My apartment was still not in shape for company. I mean, boxes everywhere, laundry strewn about, shit just...in really random places and all unorganized....
2) I was mildly disgusted with John from the night before, and mildly disgusted with myself for letting it happen, and then after hearing about it all freaking day, I just...didn't wanna think about it anymore. About HIM anymore. Know what I mean??
Plus, I wasn't sure what exactly he was assuming about us, or about anything really. Not that I thought he wanted to come over with the intentions of sleeping with me or anything! He told me he'd sleep on the couch but still! I just felt weird about it. And that's never a good situation to be in. So I decided I was gonna have to tell him no.
So we went to IHOP. Me, John, Bethany and Mark. We ate, they made fun of me some more, I got pissed, then it was time to go.
"So are you gonna let me make use of your couch tonight?" John asked as I was getting into my car.
"How do you know your power is even still out?" I asked.
"Because it was still out when I left! And it's 4 am on a Wednesday, I doubt they're going to fix it till tomorrow."
I sighed. "This is just really not a good time for me to be having anyone spend the night!"
"I let you crash at my place twice." He argued.
"WHAT!? I can't believe you're using that against me! That was totally different! I had to drive you home, because you were practically incapacitated drunk! And then I was going to have to drive another 30 minutes just to get to my house! And you asked me to stay!"
He huffed and started to protest.
"Well now the answer is definitely no, because I'm mad at you!" I said.
"Alright then. Fair enough." He said, and walked off.
I slammed my door shut and left. I still can't believe the audacity of him. UGh...
Well, I think I'm going to end with that, because this post is ridiculously long. I'll finish up with the rest of the drama tomorrow!
Monday, July 21, 2008
Moving In And Moving On...NOT.
So I am officially living in my new apartment! It's sooo nice! My own space, all to myself, with no one to consult about anything!! Everything is still in boxes right now though, because my entire weekend has consisted of moving and working. And today I slept till 3 o'clock cuz I was so exhausted. ((sigh))
Bethany is gonna help me decorate and paint my bedroom. She's reallllly good at interior design! We start painting tomorrow. I'm so excited!
I had to work tonight, even though I don't normally work Sundays. It was horrible. But John is back from his trip. You guys remember John right?? The guy with all the sexual tension?? And just so you know, that hasn't gone away! Anyways, he was on some trip for a couple months for school; a geographical survey or something. But tonight, he worked the door and I closed the bar, so it was just the 2 of us at closing time. And we were sitting and talking while I was counting tips. And he was telling me about what he wants to do when he finishes school, and I found myself getting lost in his words, and thinking about what it would be like to kiss him. Would his kiss be gentle or firm? What his hands would feel like in my hair, and how my heart would race... Then I snapped out of it, and he was in the middle of telling me something about insurgents in Iraq. He was in the marines. ((sigh)) I wonder if anything will ever come of me and John.
Anyways, these fanciful thoughts of mine, are unfortunately few and far between. And I say that because they are certainly a nice destraction from the constant ache of yearning for Daniel. Now that I'm living practically across the street from him, it's gotten worse. I keep dreading, and hoping that I'll run into him.
Speaking of which, Jenna has been hanging out with him, almost on a regular basis. And that really bothers me, because on top of that, she never calls me anymore! And I've been so depressed lately, I just wish I knew I could depend on the people that I used to count among my good friends. It's strange how people's true colors start to show when you really need them. The only people who have really been there for me are Melissa, Bethany and Izzie. Always Izzie. She is the most loyal friend I've ever had. I'm not too happy with Alyssa either. As soon as Russ got back from his mission trip, she stopped calling me. ((sigh))
Melissa and Tim broke up last week, so we've been hanging out a lot...commiserating mostly. But it's nice to just have someone to talk to who really understands. She actually gets what I'm going through, and she empathizes.
It's kind of weird, because she points out things about me in a way that is so...black and white; she puts them in a new light that I wouldn't ever think of.
For example, the other day while we were at dinner she said she couldn't believe how bad Daniel broke me. So bad that I have to drug myself to numb the pain. She was referring to my more frequent smoking of course. But....((sigh)) she's right. And it makes me sad to think about it. I don't understand how I let him get so deep inside of me. I rarely even let people under my skin, let alone into my heart.
Anyways, it's late and I'm tired so I'm gonna try to get some sleep.
Bethany is gonna help me decorate and paint my bedroom. She's reallllly good at interior design! We start painting tomorrow. I'm so excited!
I had to work tonight, even though I don't normally work Sundays. It was horrible. But John is back from his trip. You guys remember John right?? The guy with all the sexual tension?? And just so you know, that hasn't gone away! Anyways, he was on some trip for a couple months for school; a geographical survey or something. But tonight, he worked the door and I closed the bar, so it was just the 2 of us at closing time. And we were sitting and talking while I was counting tips. And he was telling me about what he wants to do when he finishes school, and I found myself getting lost in his words, and thinking about what it would be like to kiss him. Would his kiss be gentle or firm? What his hands would feel like in my hair, and how my heart would race... Then I snapped out of it, and he was in the middle of telling me something about insurgents in Iraq. He was in the marines. ((sigh)) I wonder if anything will ever come of me and John.
Anyways, these fanciful thoughts of mine, are unfortunately few and far between. And I say that because they are certainly a nice destraction from the constant ache of yearning for Daniel. Now that I'm living practically across the street from him, it's gotten worse. I keep dreading, and hoping that I'll run into him.
Speaking of which, Jenna has been hanging out with him, almost on a regular basis. And that really bothers me, because on top of that, she never calls me anymore! And I've been so depressed lately, I just wish I knew I could depend on the people that I used to count among my good friends. It's strange how people's true colors start to show when you really need them. The only people who have really been there for me are Melissa, Bethany and Izzie. Always Izzie. She is the most loyal friend I've ever had. I'm not too happy with Alyssa either. As soon as Russ got back from his mission trip, she stopped calling me. ((sigh))
Melissa and Tim broke up last week, so we've been hanging out a lot...commiserating mostly. But it's nice to just have someone to talk to who really understands. She actually gets what I'm going through, and she empathizes.
It's kind of weird, because she points out things about me in a way that is so...black and white; she puts them in a new light that I wouldn't ever think of.
For example, the other day while we were at dinner she said she couldn't believe how bad Daniel broke me. So bad that I have to drug myself to numb the pain. She was referring to my more frequent smoking of course. But....((sigh)) she's right. And it makes me sad to think about it. I don't understand how I let him get so deep inside of me. I rarely even let people under my skin, let alone into my heart.
Anyways, it's late and I'm tired so I'm gonna try to get some sleep.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Moving Day
The rest of Monday night was bittersweet. After Whitney finally left, Daniel asked me what was wrong.
I tried explaining how I felt about Whitney being an asshole to me just for the hell of it, but he says I do the same thing to Whitney. ((sigh)) We got into a little argument because of that, but we talked it out, which was really nice. And then we drank an entire bottle of rum, and had wild passionate sex.
No, seriously. Lol.
It was AWESOME. Hahaha.
So Tuesday, Daniel tells me we need to go to his leasing office to pick up a copy of his contract. The U-Haul store won't let them get a truck unless you have a major credit card, which they'll put a $75 hold on, or if you're paying cash, they need a passport, or legal contract, or some kind of collateral. Oh, and guess what!? Daniel has to rent the truck because Whitney doesn't have a valid driver's license. Because he can't get it renewed. Because he has warrants. (@#$!$^!#&^%$%$@%^*&^!!!!) <---- That is how I feel about that. Whitney is 31 years old!!! GROW UP ALREADY!!! UGGGGHHHH!!
So, once again, everything is up to Daniel to take care of. And since he wanted to pay cash, he needed to get a copy of his lease. Well, we head over there around noon, and for some reason, they couldn't give him a copy because the broker still hadn't signed it! Daniel was really frustrated about that. So he calls Whitney to tell him. And we were sitting in my car in the parking lot, and I could hear everything Whitney was saying. And guess what that fucker had the audacity to say!?
"Well, does Peyton have a credit card we could use?"
YEA. FUCKIN. RIGHT. Like I am going to be financially responsible for his loser ass because he doesn't have any money or a driver's license to rent the van himself!? HA! Daniel didn't know I could hear what Whitney was saying though, and all he replied was "I don't know."
At least he didn't ask me.
So then we drove over to Public Storage to try and rent one from them. That was a bust too because Daniel doesn't have car insurance, only motorcycle insurance. And I could tell that he was starting to get frustrated with Whitney. I mean what an ungrateful bastard, making Daniel do all this work just because he's an irresponsible boob who can't pay his bills. Ugh...it sickens me. Really.
So we drove back to the leasing office to see if the broker was in. As luck would have it, he was able to get the copy of his contract, and we just barely had time to go over and pick up the truck before I had to go to work.
So we spent the entire 2 days that Daniel had off- 2 days that we could have used to do things we actually wanted to do - running around taking care of shit for Whitney, that he should have taken care of himself.
When I got back from work Tuesday night, at like 3 am, they weren't even back yet! Whitney brought a girl friend over to "help them move" and they were drinking while they did it, which naturally made it take twice as long as it should have. So Daniel got like...4 hours of sleep last night before he had to get up and get ready for work. I am so completely disgusted by this whole situation.
I'm secretly hoping that living with Whitney will make Daniel open his eyes and realize what a selfish, inconsiderate jerk Whitney really is, and then maybe we won't have to hang out with him so much. Is that so evil of me that I don't want them to be friends?? ((sigh))
Well, I'm off to the airport to pick up Sophie and Brent! This weekend's going to be a busy one!
I tried explaining how I felt about Whitney being an asshole to me just for the hell of it, but he says I do the same thing to Whitney. ((sigh)) We got into a little argument because of that, but we talked it out, which was really nice. And then we drank an entire bottle of rum, and had wild passionate sex.
No, seriously. Lol.
It was AWESOME. Hahaha.
So Tuesday, Daniel tells me we need to go to his leasing office to pick up a copy of his contract. The U-Haul store won't let them get a truck unless you have a major credit card, which they'll put a $75 hold on, or if you're paying cash, they need a passport, or legal contract, or some kind of collateral. Oh, and guess what!? Daniel has to rent the truck because Whitney doesn't have a valid driver's license. Because he can't get it renewed. Because he has warrants. (@#$!$^!#&^%$%$@%^*&^!!!!) <---- That is how I feel about that. Whitney is 31 years old!!! GROW UP ALREADY!!! UGGGGHHHH!!
So, once again, everything is up to Daniel to take care of. And since he wanted to pay cash, he needed to get a copy of his lease. Well, we head over there around noon, and for some reason, they couldn't give him a copy because the broker still hadn't signed it! Daniel was really frustrated about that. So he calls Whitney to tell him. And we were sitting in my car in the parking lot, and I could hear everything Whitney was saying. And guess what that fucker had the audacity to say!?
"Well, does Peyton have a credit card we could use?"
YEA. FUCKIN. RIGHT. Like I am going to be financially responsible for his loser ass because he doesn't have any money or a driver's license to rent the van himself!? HA! Daniel didn't know I could hear what Whitney was saying though, and all he replied was "I don't know."
At least he didn't ask me.
So then we drove over to Public Storage to try and rent one from them. That was a bust too because Daniel doesn't have car insurance, only motorcycle insurance. And I could tell that he was starting to get frustrated with Whitney. I mean what an ungrateful bastard, making Daniel do all this work just because he's an irresponsible boob who can't pay his bills. Ugh...it sickens me. Really.
So we drove back to the leasing office to see if the broker was in. As luck would have it, he was able to get the copy of his contract, and we just barely had time to go over and pick up the truck before I had to go to work.
So we spent the entire 2 days that Daniel had off- 2 days that we could have used to do things we actually wanted to do - running around taking care of shit for Whitney, that he should have taken care of himself.
When I got back from work Tuesday night, at like 3 am, they weren't even back yet! Whitney brought a girl friend over to "help them move" and they were drinking while they did it, which naturally made it take twice as long as it should have. So Daniel got like...4 hours of sleep last night before he had to get up and get ready for work. I am so completely disgusted by this whole situation.
I'm secretly hoping that living with Whitney will make Daniel open his eyes and realize what a selfish, inconsiderate jerk Whitney really is, and then maybe we won't have to hang out with him so much. Is that so evil of me that I don't want them to be friends?? ((sigh))
Well, I'm off to the airport to pick up Sophie and Brent! This weekend's going to be a busy one!
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