Brainstorm

OMG OMG OMG!!! GOOD NEWS ALL AROUND!!!

Well, today I spent the entire day at MD Anderson with my mom. She has chemo every Monday, and she signed up to do this case study so...aside from the 3 hours of waiting, we spent a lot of time in different rooms talking to different people. But the good news is, the chemo appears to be working!! When her doctor gave her a breast exam today he said he can tell that the lump is significantly smaller! And that's really saying something considering there's only a 7% chance of chemotherapy doing it's job. And my Mom is one of the 7%!!
I'm so relieved. I mean last week at work, I literally had a breakdown. It was the day after my parents got home from their cruise, and the first time I'd seen my mom since she lost all her hair. I was supposed have off that day, but I got called in, and I was just having a bad day you know? And then work was awful, and at the end of the night, I was talking to one of my coworkers about it, his name is Adam, and he just hugged me and told me that everything happens for a reason, and just... He was really really sweet. And I actually shed a few tears. ((Sigh))
But I'm past all that now, things are looking up! It was just kind of like I experienced the shock all over again. Ya know?

So anyways, the other good news is that Brandon and I are doing wonderful! He's so sweet, and considerate, and affectionate... It's like I'm getting back a whole year's worth of hugs, kisses and hand holds! :)
He spends then night almost every night. He calls me sweetheart, and baby. And the other night, we had the most amazing sex ever! I mean...almost every position; we went for hours! It was awesome.
On Saturday, we went to the Renaissance Festival with my parents. It was his first time meeting them, and my mom told me today that he's the best guy I've ever brought home! She really likes him. :) And so do I. ((sigh)) I'm really falling for him. Fast. Too fast! I'm almost afraid. I mean you can never be too careful.
His birthday is this Wednesday and I have no idea what to get him. Anybody have any ideas?? I want it to be something personal, but it can't be too much, ya know cuz we haven't been together that long. So I'm having a really hard time thinking of something. The only thing I know he really likes is golf. He doesn't watch TV, he doesn't buy CDs, he doesn't really have time for that many hobbies...
So yea, I need ideas. And I need them fast!

I Miss You

Dude...has anyone seen that new Beyonce video "If I Was A Boy"?? It's SO freakin' good! And I don't even like Beyonce! I mean really, every time she comes on the radio, I change the station! But that video is just so true...
Anyways, that was just a little tidbit that was on my mind.

So, it seems that I have the worst luck ever when it comes to dating. When I woke up this morning, I had a text from Brandon, explaining that all day yesterday, he thought it was Tuesday. Therefore he thought today was Wednesday, up until this morning that is. But since today was actually Thursday, he couldn't make our date, because he had to leave for Florida right after work. ((sigh))
I mean I knew he had a trip to Florida coming up. He's mentioned it a couple times, but I forgot about it. And I was really bummed that we couldn't go out tonight. I ended up staying home, watching my DVR and cleaning my apartment. I figured I may as well stay in and save some money. I have some stuff coming up in November and January that I'm gonna need to save money for so...yea. My night was lame.
And what sucks even more is all I've been doing is thinking about Brandon! I actually miss him! What is wrong with me?! I mean I was really hoping that after dinner he'd come over and hopefully spend the night. I really enjoyed cuddling with him. :)
G's I'm so pathetic. This is exactly how it always starts: with me setting myself up for disappointment. I shouldn't expect these things. You'd think I would have learned by now.
Well, at least he comes back Sunday, and I'm off that day, so maybe I'll get to see him. But I won't plan on it.

I talked to my mom on the phone today. She and my dad and a couple of their friends just hopped a cruise ship to Hawaii. It was their 25th wedding anniversary last month. So I won't be able to talk to my parents for 4 days till they get there. It's so weird, cuz I actually miss my mom! I mean not that I don't ever miss her, it's just that they just left! And it's not like I see her everyday anyways, so I dunno why I miss her so much now. I guess it's because I'm worried about her, and we talk on the phone at least every other day these days. Her birthday was on Tuesday. I got her a really sappy card and a charm for her bracelet; it was the awareness ribbon. She really liked it.
When I talked to her on the phone today she started crying. Her hair is just starting to fall out. They said it would after 18 days. And they gave her 2 doses of Taxol (chemo drugs) before she left, to make up for the week she's gonna have to miss, so she's been feeling a little sick. ((sigh)) It really just breaks my heart that my mom is going through all this. I tried to cheer her up on the phone. I've always been good at that. My mom thinks I'm the funniest person alive. Lol. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am pretty damn funny, but you know how moms are... So I told her to keep her spirits up and relax, and slap that wig on and have a good time. Haha.
I'm sure my parents will have fun. They never get to do fun, exciting stuff like this. And the timing couldn't be more perfect. It's exactly what my mom needs right now.

Well...I guess I'm gonna go read in bed till I fall asleep. Taryn and I are supposed to go shop for Halloween costumes tomorrow. Ugh...
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Halloween???

Decisions, Decisions...

Ok, quick update!
TDH bailed on our not exactly a date date. So I went out with Evan instead.
John has been oddly distant, but that could just be because he took off work Saturday, and I haven't seen him in a while.
TDH still texts me on a daily basis, but I can't really figure out why, since he doesn't seem to wanna make any definite plans.
And, there's a new guy in the picture.
One of the bartenders at the shot bar, her name is Summer, it's her brother. His name is Brandon. He's definitely attractive, but not as tall as I would like. But the thing I do really like about him is HE ACTUALLY CALLS ME!
And in a texting world girls, that's hard to find. I mean literally, the first day after he got my number, he called me and asked me to hang out Thursday. So! I have plans with Brandon on Thursday. Oh, and he's a lot of fun. He's goofy, and we like to give each other shit and tease each other. It's fun.
So that's that with the boys!

In other news, my mom started chemotherapy yesterday. She decided to go ahead with the chemo, because I guess the surgeon told her she needed it. And I talked to her on the phone while she was there, with the IV in her arm. She sounded so horrible it was heart breaking. I almost started crying in the grocery store. I never thought this would be so hard. I mean my job is to be strong for my mom, make her laugh, and take her mind off the bad stuff. And I'm pretty good at doing that actually! I can always make my mom laugh. But when I'm not with her, it's gut wrenching. I mean every time we get off the phone it's like...it's like a waterfall of emotions, worry, stress, sadness, regret all just comes crashing down on me. ((sigh))
It's so hard.

And finally, I'm thinking about going back to school. At the Art Institute. I spoke to someone on the phone today about the photography program, and I set up a meeting on Saturday. They wanna see my portfolio, and go over some of the classes and give me a tour. My mom is going with me too, and she's really glad I'm looking into it. I'm actually excited about it too! I mean I would really love to learn some new Photoshop stuff! I would have to get a whole 'nother bachelor's degree, which might take me a while, but at least it would be something I have a chance of using! And I think I'll really enjoy it. So...I think it might be a good idea.

I'm sorry I haven't been good about writing lately. It's just that they have me working 5 nights a week now, and when I do get a night off, I just wanna go out with my friends, ya know?
Last night was my coworker, Taryn's birthday, so Alyssa and I went out for that. Oh, and she's the one that's dating the famous pro-athlete. So he was there and I got to meet him. That was pretty awesome! Evan was so jealous! Haha...
Well, Oliver is literally running laps around my living room right now, and it's such a beautiful night! I'm gonna go take him for a walk.

Weighing My Options

I went to the doctor with my mom on Thursday. We were there for about 3 hours. They gave her 2 exams and talked about what her possible options might be; chemotherapy, hormone therapy, surgery, etc... But right now it all depends on how much of the tumor is invasive. And they have to do a biopsy on the invasive component to find out. And if it's more invasive than non-invasive, then she'll definitely have to have chemo. ((sigh)) It's a lot of information. My poor mom hardly understands half of the stuff the doctors say. I took a bunch of notes for her. Two pages worth actually. She has to go back on Monday morning, so she's gonna spend the night here with me, and I'm gonna drive her over. I live a hell of a lot closer to MD Anderson than my parents do, and with all the traffic, it's at least an hour drive for them. So I told her she could spend the night here. I'm off work anyway. So that's the story with that.

Last night, is another story entirely. And a much happier one!
First of all, one of my coworkers, Ali, is dating this guy, and him and his cousin came in last night. And the cousin is HOT. He's 6'4", dark hair, pretty teeth...HOT. And he asked Ali about me, so we chatted a bit, etc etc, and I gave him my number. Before he left, he came to say bye to me, kissed my hand and told me he'd call me later. Lol. And he texted me while we were counting money! :)
Then something weird happened. Remember the new girl who made an ass of herself at the employee party last month? Her name is Lauren. Well, I still can't stand her. She tries sooooo hard to make people like her, it's sad. She laughs at everything anyone says, even if she's not even in the conversation!!! Ugh... Well she's 19, maybe that's why. Anyways, she was hardcore flirting with John last night. And she jumped on his back, and was giggling her annoying giggle with her annoying horsey face and I just suddenly got so...JEALOUS! I couldn't even explain it! WHY was I jealous??? Maybe it's just because I don't like Lauren so much?? I dunno...
And the other weird thing is, I've kind of been thinking about John a lot lately. I talked to Alyssa about it on Thursday. I just feel like the whole situation with us got out of hand, because we were both drunk, and that wasn't how I wanted it to happen. Ya know? And I still kind of have feelings for him! I just don't know what to do about it! Alyssa thinks I should go for it.
So back to last night... I got really jealous, and I recognized that I was jealous. Even with thoughts of this tall, hot guy who's interested in me, I couldn't stop thinking about John! So we were all hanging out drinking beer after work. Then Bethany and Tug came over to hang out, and everybody decided to take the party over to Blinn's house. Bethany didn't wanna go, but we needed to catch up on things so we sat in her car and talked and smoked a bowl before I headed over to Blinn's. I told her about John and Lauren and how it made me jealous. She laughed. Lol. Then Mark called and asked where I was, so I told him I'd be there in a minute.
By the time I got there, I was definitely high, and a little buzzed, and a lot annoyed that Lauren was there. Ugh. But we had a good time anyway. I had a couple glasses of wine, goofed off and flirted with John... :)
Then when everybody started to leave, I was getting ready to go and John stole my keys! That, of course, led to wrestling on the couch, which caused Blinn to roll his eyes and go upstairs. Lol. Now it was just me and John, and before I knew it, he was kissing me. And I liked it! Haha. I finally got my keys back from him, told him goodbye and left. I put a note on his car that said, "By the way, YOU kissed ME!"
When I woke up this afternoon, I had a text from him that said, "Yes, I know and you weren't very resistent."
Haha.
I don't really know what's going to happen now. But this time was different. And I don't wanna go running scared again, so I'm just gonna play it really cool, and try to get to know him better and just...see what happens! And I'm gonna keep seeing other people too. Like that hottie from last night...
So, in the guy department, things are actually looking up for once!
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna see John tonight at work. Hopefully it's not awkward.
Wish me luck!

When It Rains, It Pours...And There Are Hurricanes.

My Mom got the results of her biopsy today. They were positive. She has cancer. She doesn't know any details yet though, like what kind of cancer, or how serious it is, etc. But she has to have surgery. ((sigh))
Of course I'm really worried about her. She was crying on the phone while I was at the vet with Oliver. He had to get his booster shots today. Oh, and he has an ear infection. ((sigh))
Today is just so...depressing.

The Tank Is Almost on 'E'

Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I'm on the first flight to New Orleans. It's my grandparents' 50th Wedding Anniversary and the entire immediate family is going to NOLA for the weekend for a mini family reunion. Then Sunday morning, bright and early, I'm on the first flight back to Houston because we're having our summer staff outing. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but Tuaca is hosting the party; we've got a double-decker boat on the lake, with a slide, caterers, and free alcohol all day! It's gonna be so much fun!! Everyone at work is really pumped about it.
Things in the boy department have been kinda slow. My guy from Austin, J, did text me again on Monday. He was at the airport and wanted my myspace info so we could still talk while he's in Germany, since obviously he won't be able to use his phone. I'm still being very cautious about everything though, and I'm not letting myself get my hopes up.
Rusty texted me this past Sunday as well, and wanted me to go see his show. Our conversation went something like this:
Rusty: Hey, what are you doing?
Me: I just got home from a movie. What's up?
Rusty: I'm playing a show tonight, you should come.
Me: Oh really? Where at?
Rusty: It's called _______, it's in Clear Lake.
Me: Yea I know where that is, but that's kind of a long drive...
Rusty: Where are you coming from, midtown?
Me: About 5 minutes from there
Rusty: That's only like 30 minutes
Me: True, but still a long drive
Rusty: But it'll be worth it
Me: Well, if you really wanna see me, you're just gonna have to call me one of these days ;)
Rusty: I will too

And that was that. I haven't heard from him since. I haven't heard from The Psycho either. Which is not only surprising, but a relief!

Oh! The Model is in town. And I'm doing a really good job of not thinking about him! In fact, I almost forgot to write about him! I saw him and Mitchell last Friday at my bar, of course. I gave them a round of shots and served their drinks. But they didn't even say goodbye to me, and I haven't seen or heard from them since then. And I'm very proud to say I'm not hurt, or upset, or really anything! Maybe I'm finally getting over The Model. I mean, I can't hope for too much, but that sure would be nice.

My Mom went to her doctor's appointment last week, and they found out that the lump in her breast is not a cyst. Cysts are often mistaken as cancer, so that would be the most obvious thing it could be. But since it's not that, it's either a fibroid, or cancer. And usually only old people get fibroids. ((sigh)) She has a mammogram next week, and possibly a biopsy. So I'm praying for her, and trying as hard as I can to be nice and supportive and all that. It's just that the relationship between my mother and I is complicated. I mean we get along for the most part, and of course I love my mom, but I can only stand her in small doses! It's like she is the only person who has the power to get under my skin in 5 minutes flat. And she thinks I've been stressed out lately, but really, I only get that way around her! We got into a fight last week about my dog. Obviously, she doesn't want me to get one. But I don't think I can stand the silence of this apartment for very much longer. And lucky me, because Oliver will be here next week!! NEXT WEEK!!! (Don't worry, I'll post lots of pix!)
Anyways, it's like Jenna said, parents always think they can tell you what to do, and that you have to listen, no matter how old you are. But I'm living alone now, and supporting myself, and I don't have to answer to anyone! What is so hard to understand about that?! This really is the last thing I should be thinking about right now. ((huff))
Moving on...
Alyssa and I sort of got into it the other day. On Monday, she came over to see my apartment, finally, and then I went with her to campus to take care of some school stuff. We hadn't hung out in a while, and I had talked to her about how I was feeling. And she agreed that she needed to be more present and make more of an effort in our friendship. Hence, hanging out on Monday. So anyways, we were having fun, talking and catching up, etc. Well, at some point, the conversation came to cheating boyfriends. And I was telling her about the different guys I've dated who have cheated on me. And of course, Daniel's name came up, in passing. Since, he did cheat on me! And Alyssa scoffs, "You and Daniel were only together for like a second! You weren't even like...boyfriend/girlfriend!"
"Yes we were!" I argued.
"Well, that's not what he said." She retorted.
I was about to say something back, but her phone rang, and she answered it. So instead, I was just sitting there thinking about how rude that was, and how pissed off I was.
I mean, who says that?! Even if it wasn't her brother we were talking about, you just don't say something like that to your friend! It's insensitive!
I decided to let it go, for the time being, but I found myself thinking about it again later, and I decided to text her.
"Do you really believe what Daniel said? I mean do you really believe we weren't together?"
She didn't respond, and I kind of forgot about it. That same night, I decided to drive to the North Side to stay with my Aunt and cousins for a couple days. I had 2 nights off, and I just wanted to get away. And I love hanging out with my cousins. They're so carefree and fun-loving. I went to work with my Aunt on Tuesday morning, and got a text back from Alyssa then.
"Peyton, don't be that girl."
"What girl? What are you talking about?"
"Don't sulk over Daniel. Don't be that girl who's all sad about it because it didn't work out." She said.
"I'm not sulking. Really. This isn't even about Daniel. I just feel like you're blowing the whole thing off like it's nothing. And it definitely was something. I mean I was with him 24/7, I practically lived at his apt! And he really, really hurt me. So it may seem like nothing to you, but it was definitely something to me."
"Well you just have to understand that I don't wanna hear about my brother and his relationships! I'm tired of the girls he dates affecting the relationship I have with him."
"I know that. And I don't think I've tried to talk to you about him. Not when we were dating, not when we broke up, or even now, really."
"Ok."
"It just kind of sucks that I feel like I can't say anything to you."
"Well, it's not just you Peyton. Or any of the more recent girls. This has been going on since he started dating! All his girlfriends feel the need to tell me about their problems! And I just don't want anything to do with it."
"Well I don't wanna talk to you, or anyone about Daniel. It's over. And I have nothing to say about it."
My Aunt noticed me texting, and told me to get to work, so before Alyssa could respond, I said, "I'm at work now. I can't text anymore."
She never wrote back.
I'm just really...hurt and kind of annoyed that she makes all of this stuff out to be about me and Daniel, when it's not! It's about me and her!
Alyssa and I haven't spoken since then. I mean, I stayed at my Aunt's for 2 days, and went straight to work when I came back. So I haven't had a lot of time to see or talk to anyone, but...this is not resolved, by any means. And I'm tired of having these disagreements with her. I just want it to be done with! I just want her to see things from my perspective, and know when she's hurting my feelings. There's no way she could comprehend the depth of hurt I was feeling when Daniel and I broke up. Because I didn't tell her. I didn't talk to her about it at all, because I knew she wouldn't want me to. and I do understand! He's her brother. She loves him. But that doesn't give her the right to assume that it meant nothing.
I wish she could just look at this from a nonbiased p.o.v. and realize that no matter who it is that breaks my heart, I just want my friends to be there to catch me when I fall. Not judge me. Not say "I told you so". Not belittle me, or make light of the situation. Just empathize.
Is that too much to ask?

I have a date on Monday with a guy (JD) I met on that dating website. We still haven't met in person, and it's been a month since I canceled my membership, but I've been so busy with moving and everything, that we're only just now getting to meet. He's tall, and really cute, and he has a motorcycle (hot!!), but again, not getting my hopes up. He friended me on myspace and the impression I got of him there, is that he's a really big flirt. And I'm not sure how well that's gonna go over. But who knows! At least he's actually taking me out on a real date! Maybe he'll be the man of my dreams and we'll fall madly in love while staring into each other's eyes over plates of pasta and glasses of wine and then we'll ride off into the sunset, on his motorcycle, and live happily ever after.
LMAO.

The Return Of The Ex...

Well I just got back from Austin yesterday. The trip was short and sweet, but much needed. It was like a mini high school reunion. Me, Rikki, Izzie, Shane and Megan had 2 wonderful girls' nights.
This entire week has been kinda up and down though. On Thursday afternoon, my mom called me while I was still in Austin. She told me might have breast cancer. ((sigh)) I totally freaked out. I mean I know breast cancer is generally curable and not that serious, but I just never thought it would happen to my mom. Ya know? So I was really upset and crying in the middle of a department store ((ugh...)) and thought I might go home early. But my girls cheered me up, and begged me to stay, so I did. And I'm glad I did.
We went out to 6th St on Thursday night, and had a blast. Izzie and Megan's husbands stayed at the apartment and played Wii, so it was just us girls. I even met a guy! He approached me, talked to me, acted interested, and asked for my number. But I'm learning not to count my chickens before they hatch, so I'm not gonna say anything else about him right now. Except that he did text me last night asking me if I had fun. I told him yes, and that I wished I could have stayed in Austin longer.

So, in other news, my ex is in town. The Psycho.
He called me Tuesday.
He's deploying at the beginning of September, so he got some leave time.
((sigh))
Anyways, I was talking to him, politely, asking him how he was doing, etc... And he said he wanted to hang out. Well I had just gotten off work, and it was 12:30 am, so I told him I probably wasn't gonna go anywhere, since I was leaving for Austin the next day.
"Well I'll just stop by and see you later then." He said.
"Later? What do you mean by later??" I asked.
"I dunno, like 3:30 or something."
"What makes you think I'm gonna let you into my apartment at 3:30 in the morning!?" I asked, incredulous.
"Because it's me! And you better be wearing some sexy lingerie too. I know you got some."
I could hear 2 other guys talking in the background. It sounded like he was in the car.
"Are you fucking kidding me right now!?" I half-shrieked.
"What happened?" He asked, assuming that wasn't meant for him.
"I'm talking to you!" I yelled.
At this point, the conversation went very downhill, and he went on off one of his usual tangents of cusswords and insults. He told me I was an arrogant bitch, and I should go fuck myself, and all this other shit...
I was just sitting there, almost amused really, shaking my head in disbelief.
And I said in a very calm voice, just loud enough for him to hear over his yelling, "You are exactly the same petulant, selfish, immature, dick that you were when we were dating. And you know what? We're not together anymore, so I don't have to put up with your shit. So now, I'm gonna hang up on you, and you're just gonna have to deal with it."
((click))
I sat there for a minute, still trying to comprehend what had just happened.
Had I just had a good old fashioned argument with my ex??
It was like a really twisted sense of de ja vu. Because in the past, I would have gotten really upset, and hurt, and done whatever I could to make him not be mad at me. But this time, I just didn't give a flying fuck! It was awesome. And the best part about it was, I know how he operates. And I know I ruined his entire night. Haha. He probably got all pissed off and stewed in his anger for the rest of the night. Because that is so like him!
So I'm definitely not going to be seeing The Psycho. At least I hope not...

((sigh))

Speaking of exes, Melissa saw Daniel on Thursday leaving the movie theater. He was with Delilah, and some "fugly" girl and another kid. Melissa may have just told me she was ugly to make me feel better, but judging by the other Peyton he dated, I wouldn't be surprised. What I am surprised about, however, is that I haven't run into him yet! But that's definitely a good thing. I'm still not sure I'm ready for that. I still miss him, but I'm doing a lot better. And like they say in He's Just Not That Into You, "It's nice to have companionship and wake up with somebody that you really like, but that's what pets are for. Pets are God's way of saying "Don't lower the bar because you're lonely.'"
And I am so on that!

Anyway, last night after work, Bethany and I went to IHOP, just the 2 of us, and we sat there for a while, talking. Then my phone beeps. I have a text message. At 4 in the morning!
I looked in my inbox, and saw that it was from a number I didn't recognize.
Well, well, well...
Rusty.
"Hey, you still stayin' up late? -Rusty"
I didn't respond right away, cuz Bethany and I were in the middle of a conversation, but I wrote him back 15 minutes later on my way home.
"I sure am. And apparently you are as well..."
Sixteen minutes later, he responds. How typical. Lol.
"Yea I had a gig tonight. What are you doin'?"
I waited another 16 minutes. Haha.
"Just got home from work and IHOP a little bit ago. Now I'm reading a book in bed. You?"
He responded right away to this one.
"I just got home too. Just telling my roommate about the night."
"So where'd you play at?"
"It's called The Depot. Then we went to a really southern after party."
"Lol nice. Were there people in overalls?"
"Not quite, but it wouldn't have surprised me."
"Ha. Well sounds like had an interesting night. I'm going to sleep now finally. Busy day tomorrow, goodnight."
I wanted to be the one to end the conversation, because I didn't wanna see to eager. Plus I was getting really tired.
And he really needs to just call me. No more texting.

So I finally picked out my dog! He's a goldendoodle, SO adorable! When I get him, I'll post pictures! I can't wait. And don't worry, I know how much responsibility a dog is. I did have a horse, remember?? Puppies are like children. I mean, would you leave your infant home alone? No.
So I definitely have some sitters lined up for when necessary; and as long as he's little, I plan on taking him everywhere! And there's this really awesome dog park right down the street.
Oh! And I'm going to call him Oliver. :)
After Oliver Wood in Harry Potter. Hehe.
He arrives from Indiana in the beginning of September! :) :) :)