Home Is Where The HEART Is

Over the past couple months I have struggled with whether or not I should continue to blog. Mostly because my life is sort of stagnant right now, and I just don't have that much dish, and then partly because I'm so busy that my posts are few and far between, and I know my readership is dwindling. But every time something DOES happen, I WANNA blog about it. So for now, I'm just gonna say that my blog is sort of...on hold. I will post here and there, but unfortunately, that's all I can commit to at the moment.

In other news, I just got back from a 10 day trip to Houston. And now that I'm back in Chicago I have this really weird feeling that I'm not really home here anymore. It's like I feel confused inside. You know? Like that feeling you have when you first move to a new place, and in your head, you know it's "home", but it just doesn't feel like home necessarily. Well that's how I'm feeling about Chicago right now. I mean I've known for about a year now that this isn't where I want to stay. This move was something transitional, something I needed, and I'm definitely glad I did, but not something permanent. And I've toyed with idea of moving to New Orleans, or Austin after I graduate, but now I'm convinced that Houston is just...where I belong. I was just so happy there the last week and a half. I have a lot of good friends. Not just casual friends, or coworkers, or classmates. Real, true friends. And if there's anything I've learned from this experience of leaving everything behind and starting fresh, it's that true friends are hard to find, and they should be treasured, always. My reasons for leaving Houston don't really...apply to me anymore. Hopefully I will be able to find a real job before I move anywhere, so I won't have to bartend again, but everything with Brandon is in the past, my parents issues are (mostly) in the past, and I wanted to pursue photography and art, and I did! So I've decided that when I finish school, I'm going back to Houston. I'm going back home.

Is Anyone There??

So who's been to check out the new blogger on Cosmo.com?? I'm not sure I'm digging this new chick as much as K, but I'm gonna keep reading before I judge... Either way, it's totally fiction. No one is 24, fresh out of college, and has that good of a job these days. ((Sigh)) But hey, it's nice to fantasize.

Anyway...
Matt and I have plans to hook up again this weekend. So that should be fun. So far today has been one of the most boring days of my life. I actually don't have anything to do for the next 2 days. No family or friends coming in town, no work, no doctor/dentist appointments. I guess this will give me no excuses to not practice piano. I'm starting lessons back up next Tuesday.
Sophie and I had a nice relaxing day together yesterday. We went to the beach, lunch/cocktails, and then to the movies to see Brave. Which was great btw! I highly recommend it. And we rode our bikes everywhere, so my legs and ass are really feeling it today. Lol.
Last night when I got home, I was talking to my mom on the phone and I realized that I don't think I'm ever going to get married. And I'm not all that worried about it. And it worries me that I'm not worried about it. Lol, wtf?? It's just that I've been single for so long, and I'm not meeting anyone, and I don't really know how to meet anyone. And it's not for lack of trying! It's just...I gave the whole online dating thing a shot, and that was a bust, I'm not trying to pick up guys in bars, I usually look like crap when I go to the grocery store so...where does that leave me? I've pretty much just given up on looking. I mean if casual sex with Matt is all that's in the cards for me right now, I'll take it. At least it's drama free, right?
I'm in a place where I've accepted my life the way it is, and while I may never be completely satisfied, at least I'm happy. And who knows if I'll stay in Chicago forever. I might only be here for another year or two. If I move though, it's definitely gonna be New Orleans. That oughta be fun, right? Hahaha. We'll see...

Anyway, sorry the blog has been so bland lately, but my life isn't always exciting. I just hope you all are still reading!

WESTCCP

White Elephant Sex Toy Christmas Cocktail Party!
Last night was an absolute success! I met Law School at his place, and he drove us to the party. I wore a strapless black cocktail dress, very classic, and simple, with red pumps, to be festive. We were a bit late to the party, but we got there at just the right time. I introduced Law School around to the people he hadn't met before, and we helped ourselves to drinks. Mark and some of the other guys were watching the football game in the living room, so Law School kind of drifted in that direction shortly after we got there. He made a really great party date, because he mingles and makes friends easily, so I didn't have to babysit him. There were lots of people there, Bethany, Tugg, Summer and Ben, of course, Tara and Hot Dereck, Mark, JC, and Ali and Taryn, and their dates, and some of Ben's friends from work, that I didn't know. But everyone was really nice. We waited till everyone was a little bit sauced before we began the White Elephant game. I, myself, brought nipple tassels, anal beads, and a Santa Clause banana hammock. Lol. Tara ended up picking my gift, and she immediately put the nipple tassels on, on the outside of her shirt! Dereck put the thong on too. They looked so funny!
The game was hilarious! Someone brought a powerdrill, with a giant dildo on the end of it. Ben picked that as his gift, and he got a huge kick out of it! There was also a "life-like" vagina, several vibrators, a lovers game, and a pool float with a life sized naked woman on it. Haha. I ended up leaving with some fuzzy, purple handcuffs, flavored lube and some Naughty Christmas Coupons. So...not bad, I don't think. Poor Law School got a pocket rocket! I have no idea what he's gonna do with that! Haha.
There were definitely lots of laughs during the game. And then of course, we all took some celebratory shots afterwards. There were 8 bartenders in attendance, so naturally we had a great liquor selection. Around 11:45, I figured it was time to get going. Both Law School and I had work in the morning. So we said our thank yous and goodbyes and headed out. He opened the door to the car for me and I got in. We chatted on the way back to his place. And then he walked me to my car. We were still deep in conversation about Wedding Crashers vs. The Hangover. Lol. Then I got in my car, and thanked him for coming.
"Well, I don't wanna get you sick..." He said, and kissed me on the cheek.
Poor guy was sneezing all night. Lol.
Then we said goodnight, and I left! All in all, it was a good night. I mean, it wasn't awkward, and we both had fun. And I know the kiss on the cheek had to mean something, because he's never done that before when we've hung out just as friends. When I got home I sent him a text message.
Me: Sorry if I kept you out too late.
LS: Don't apologize when you didn't do anything wrong!!! :)
Me: Ok then I'm not sorry!!
LS: That's better.
Me: Lol ok. Well thanks for coming.
LS: Sure, anytime...thanks for inviting me... I would have been a lot more fun if I wasn't fighting the sneezes and sniffles.
LS: I'll talk to you soon.
Me: Ok goodnight.
LS: Later skater ;) ---------- He is a huge dork. Lol.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about him all day! It's the weirdest thing. Because I mean...we're friends! Lol, and even though I've always thought of him as a possibility, I just never really entertained that possibility, until now! So it's kind of strange. I'm definitely in foreign territory here. I've never tried to date one of my friends. At least, not successfully. I mean...I sort of tried with Todd, just by telling him my feelings, but he has a girlfriend, so that obviously didn't work out. And then there was that incident with Evan. But I never wanted to date him! So this is different. Because I actually like Law School. And I actually think this could work. We have a pretty solid friendship. I mean, we've known each other, what? 6 months? And our relationship has been completely platonic. And we've had serious conversations about our past relationships, and our families, and values, and opinions, etc. So I feel like I do know enough about him to make an informed decision, for once. But there's just so much grey area. And I can tell that this is the kind of situation that will require lots of communication, in order to keep things from getting confusing. But for now, I'm just gonna let him come to me. He still owes me dinner! And he said, "Talk to you soon." so...that means he's gonna call, right?

Sophie will be here this Friday! I can't wait! She and I have a lot of things planned. Unfortunately, Brent couldn't make it down, because he just got a promotion at his job, and he couldn't get enough days off to make the trip. But I'm off on Saturday night, so Sophie and I are definitely gonna do a night out on the town. I'm really hoping Law School will join us. Sophie wants to meet him. And there will probably be a group of us. Then on the 23rd, I'm hosting a small Christmas/Late Birthday Party for Sophie at my place. We invited some of her friends, and some of mine. As of right now, it's looking like more of her friends are gonna be there, cuz all of mine are going out of town. :/ Oh well. It will still be fun! We're gonna watch Elf and play games. Maybe I should include a White Elephant, since that was so much fun last night! Except, I don't think we'll do a sex toy version. Lol. It's looking like I'm gonna have a busy week!

Turn of Events

After picking up TB from the airport, I didn't really see much of him until last night. I was working, and trying to rest up for Friday night.

So last night I met up with Bethany, Tugg, Ben and Summer for sushi. TB and JC showed up a bit later. I had a couple glasses of wine, and some saki at dinner, so I was feelin' pretty good by the time we got to the shot bar. Once there, I ran into none other, than Law School! He was meeting up with some friends of his. So it ended up being me, and 4 boys! Haha. Bethany and April had to go to work.

So we all took some shots, and then grabbed a cab and headed out to the country bar, to visit Bethany and Summer. Law School stayed at the shot bar, but said he might meet up with us later.

As soon as we got to the bar, Ben bought us all a round of shots. Then I grabbed TB and dragged him out to the dance floor. I had promised him I would teach him the Texas 2-Step, and I had every intention of keeping that promise.

"This is it??" He said, "It's so easy!"

"Well yea, it's a 2-step! But you have to guide me! And don't run me into people." I said with a chuckle, just as he steered me into another couple.

Then he grabbed me tighter and started steering me around, running into people left and right!

"Sorry! It's his first time!" I called out to the disgruntled dancers as we passed.

"Ok, that's enough." I said to TB.

But he wouldn't stop! I mean, it was kind of fun at first, but I was getting tired of being used as a human shield as he bowled people over on the dance floor. I shook him off me and began walking back towards the bar.

"Ok, I am definitely not dancing with you anymore!" I laughed, trying to make light of the situation.

"Terrie! Come back, I was just kidding." He said.

I whirled. Terrie??

He was looking right at me. I raised an eyebrow and kept walking.

"Terrie!" He called again, "Terrie wait!"

By this time, I was really pissed. I ignored him and went to the bar to talk to Bethany. JC came over and tried to convince me that he hadn't really been calling me Terrie.

"You know full well that he did! Like five times! I knew this was a bad idea." I said.

"Yea, but you can't be mad at him!" JC said, "And what do you mean it's a bad idea?"

"I'm not mad, I'm annoyed! And it's a bad idea because nothing can come of this!"

That was about the time that Law School showed up. I ranted to him about it for a while, then the whole group left to go to the bar next door. We met Taryn and Sheila there and got a table and some champagne. In retrospect, the champagne was probably a bad idea. I didn't talk to TB anymore that night, and he didn't try to talk to me either. Instead, I hung out with Law School and Taryn. Everything starts to get fuzzy at this point, with moments of clarity. Apparently, around 1:30am I decided I wanted to leave, and I dragged Law School out of the bar with me. We walked next door, where one of my friends bartends so I could say hello to her. Law School and I were bullshitting and bantering like usual. And I remember we were just standing there, looking at each other and I...kissed him! I didn't even think twice about it, I just did it!

And he kissed me back! Lol.

We left shortly after that, because it was closing time. We took a cab back to his place, made out some more, and then crashed. That is, until I woke up and puked my guts out in his bathroom. Ugh... Not my finest moment.

When we woke up, we talked and bantered some more. He teased me about TB, who was apparently blowing up my phone all night. Then he drove me to my car and I went home. And it was like... I dunno! I mean, I don't wanna say it was like the kiss never happened, but it wasn't awkward, ya know??

So I texted him when I got home.

Me: Umm...there are a lot of things I don't remember about last night. But kissing you is not one of them.

LS: Haha...in the bar or when we got back?

Me: Shut the front door! Don't take advantage of my hazy memory! I know I didn't kiss you when we got back, cuz I was too busy puking!

LS: No, the puking came a little while after we got back.

Me: Yea but still...I didn't kiss you when we got back!

Me: ...did I?

LS: Yes we did.

Me: Lol... Seriously?? Way to take advantage of the drunk girl! Well...I'm sorry, I'm not sorry! I'm a cocksman!

Me: So what else did we do?

LS: Haha. Nothing else that I remember.

Me: Well I don't remember anything! That hardly seems fair. We really kissed when we got back???

LS: Not fair? And yes we did.

Me: Well then why don't I remember it?! Cuz I remember kissing you at the bar, and I somehow ended up with one of their business cards in my purse.

LS: Business card? I have no idea. I don't know why you don't remember but you were drunk.

Me: Damn...I can't believe I kissed you, and you didn't even do anything to deserve it!

Me: YOU STILL HAVEN'T EVEN TAKEN ME OUT TO DINNER! Lol.*

*He promised to take me out to dinner like...months ago to celebrate his getting a new job.

LS: Did TB take you to dinner?? Haha ;)

Me: FUCK YOU! And no. Lol.

LS: Hahahahaha....that was mean. Sorry. I take it back.

Me: Well I would apologize to you, for my cheap, drunken advances, but I'm not sorry. Lol. I've wondered about kissing you for a while now. Curiosity I suppose.

LS: Haha. 1) you still "won" bc he came down here and called you forever last night. 2) I'm not exactly sure how to respond to the former. Say it's mutual, or make a joke.

Me: Lol, ok well 1) I wasn't even aware it was a competition, and I don't really care anyways. 2) you could just set aside your petty defenses and be honest.

LS: Haha...I'm shy, so it takes me a while to not have defenses. But, what wouldn't be curious about a good looking girl.

Me: You're SHY? Bullshit! It's not like I'm a complete stranger, you can't use that excuse! And we're effing texting, which is the most impersonal form of communication.

LS: I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am really shy. But yes...of course I thought about it, and it crossed my mind.

LS: I mean, of course I thought about kissing you before, but I don't know what your mindset was and wasn't going to be weird.

Me: Well it's not fair that I can't remember half of what happened, and you can! And I'm not the type to beat around the bush, so I think we should do it again. Lol.

LS: Haha...I can probably handle that.

Summer and Ben are hosting a White Elephant Sex Toy Christmas Cocktail Party on Monday. Lol. What a mouthful! So I invited Law School to go with me. And he's gonna come! So I'll be sure to let you all know how that goes.

Today, I am extremely hungover and I have to go to work in 4 hours. Ugh... I'm still feeling very...incredulous about last night. I mean, what a strange turn of events. TB texted me this morning, guilt tripping me, saying he had "no fun at all" last night. Sure didn't seem like that to me! I just said I was sorry for the way things turned out last night, but I didn't appreciate being called by another girl's name, or being used a battering ram on the dance floor, and that we were both drunk, and I was sorry for lashing out at him. Then he asked me if I wanted to come over! G's, I try to let him down gently and he just can't take a hint! ((Sigh)) I told him I was sick and would be staying in bed all day. Which is very true.

Well, I'm gonna eat and take a nap before I have to get ready for work!

Exciting Weekend Ahead

I still haven't heard from Brandon. ((Sigh)) So I guess that's it then. One kiss. What gives??
I'm soooo excited about Dallas this weekend! Todd and I have been texting back and forth all day. He told me the story about he and his now ex-girlfriend. Apparently she went nuts and cussed him out and said a bunch of horrible things. He said that right then, he knew it was over. I mean, for real, Todd is the sweetest, most thoughtful and considerate person I've ever met. I don't think I could ever yell at him! Hmmm... But I'm not sure how to go about things with him. I mean we've been friends since we were kids, and I would never wanna wreck that. Plus, to him, and maybe to most people, I'm kind of...all over the place with guys! I mean, it's been almost 2 years since I've had a real relationship. And he's always been the serious relationship type. And believe me, if I could find someone willing to do some hard time with me then maybe I wouldn't still be single! Lol.
OMG Oliver is being SOOOO bad right now! He's acting like a petulant child just because I'm on the computer right now instead of playing with him. He just peed on my floor just to get my attention!!!! I mean I literally just came inside from taking him out to go to the bathroom. And he definitely went potty outside. Ugh. I am so pissed right now!! ((sigh))
Ok, deep breaths. He's in his kennel now in the dark with the door closed. Anyway, I got my hair done today! It has light blue streaks underneath. And it looks awesome! I'm actually going back tomorrow to get some more. I used to have purple hair, did I ever mention that?
Well...I guess that's all for now. OH! I finally have a set date with TDH. We're having lunch tomorrow afternoon. :)

The Return Of The Ex...

Well I just got back from Austin yesterday. The trip was short and sweet, but much needed. It was like a mini high school reunion. Me, Rikki, Izzie, Shane and Megan had 2 wonderful girls' nights.
This entire week has been kinda up and down though. On Thursday afternoon, my mom called me while I was still in Austin. She told me might have breast cancer. ((sigh)) I totally freaked out. I mean I know breast cancer is generally curable and not that serious, but I just never thought it would happen to my mom. Ya know? So I was really upset and crying in the middle of a department store ((ugh...)) and thought I might go home early. But my girls cheered me up, and begged me to stay, so I did. And I'm glad I did.
We went out to 6th St on Thursday night, and had a blast. Izzie and Megan's husbands stayed at the apartment and played Wii, so it was just us girls. I even met a guy! He approached me, talked to me, acted interested, and asked for my number. But I'm learning not to count my chickens before they hatch, so I'm not gonna say anything else about him right now. Except that he did text me last night asking me if I had fun. I told him yes, and that I wished I could have stayed in Austin longer.

So, in other news, my ex is in town. The Psycho.
He called me Tuesday.
He's deploying at the beginning of September, so he got some leave time.
((sigh))
Anyways, I was talking to him, politely, asking him how he was doing, etc... And he said he wanted to hang out. Well I had just gotten off work, and it was 12:30 am, so I told him I probably wasn't gonna go anywhere, since I was leaving for Austin the next day.
"Well I'll just stop by and see you later then." He said.
"Later? What do you mean by later??" I asked.
"I dunno, like 3:30 or something."
"What makes you think I'm gonna let you into my apartment at 3:30 in the morning!?" I asked, incredulous.
"Because it's me! And you better be wearing some sexy lingerie too. I know you got some."
I could hear 2 other guys talking in the background. It sounded like he was in the car.
"Are you fucking kidding me right now!?" I half-shrieked.
"What happened?" He asked, assuming that wasn't meant for him.
"I'm talking to you!" I yelled.
At this point, the conversation went very downhill, and he went on off one of his usual tangents of cusswords and insults. He told me I was an arrogant bitch, and I should go fuck myself, and all this other shit...
I was just sitting there, almost amused really, shaking my head in disbelief.
And I said in a very calm voice, just loud enough for him to hear over his yelling, "You are exactly the same petulant, selfish, immature, dick that you were when we were dating. And you know what? We're not together anymore, so I don't have to put up with your shit. So now, I'm gonna hang up on you, and you're just gonna have to deal with it."
((click))
I sat there for a minute, still trying to comprehend what had just happened.
Had I just had a good old fashioned argument with my ex??
It was like a really twisted sense of de ja vu. Because in the past, I would have gotten really upset, and hurt, and done whatever I could to make him not be mad at me. But this time, I just didn't give a flying fuck! It was awesome. And the best part about it was, I know how he operates. And I know I ruined his entire night. Haha. He probably got all pissed off and stewed in his anger for the rest of the night. Because that is so like him!
So I'm definitely not going to be seeing The Psycho. At least I hope not...

((sigh))

Speaking of exes, Melissa saw Daniel on Thursday leaving the movie theater. He was with Delilah, and some "fugly" girl and another kid. Melissa may have just told me she was ugly to make me feel better, but judging by the other Peyton he dated, I wouldn't be surprised. What I am surprised about, however, is that I haven't run into him yet! But that's definitely a good thing. I'm still not sure I'm ready for that. I still miss him, but I'm doing a lot better. And like they say in He's Just Not That Into You, "It's nice to have companionship and wake up with somebody that you really like, but that's what pets are for. Pets are God's way of saying "Don't lower the bar because you're lonely.'"
And I am so on that!

Anyway, last night after work, Bethany and I went to IHOP, just the 2 of us, and we sat there for a while, talking. Then my phone beeps. I have a text message. At 4 in the morning!
I looked in my inbox, and saw that it was from a number I didn't recognize.
Well, well, well...
Rusty.
"Hey, you still stayin' up late? -Rusty"
I didn't respond right away, cuz Bethany and I were in the middle of a conversation, but I wrote him back 15 minutes later on my way home.
"I sure am. And apparently you are as well..."
Sixteen minutes later, he responds. How typical. Lol.
"Yea I had a gig tonight. What are you doin'?"
I waited another 16 minutes. Haha.
"Just got home from work and IHOP a little bit ago. Now I'm reading a book in bed. You?"
He responded right away to this one.
"I just got home too. Just telling my roommate about the night."
"So where'd you play at?"
"It's called The Depot. Then we went to a really southern after party."
"Lol nice. Were there people in overalls?"
"Not quite, but it wouldn't have surprised me."
"Ha. Well sounds like had an interesting night. I'm going to sleep now finally. Busy day tomorrow, goodnight."
I wanted to be the one to end the conversation, because I didn't wanna see to eager. Plus I was getting really tired.
And he really needs to just call me. No more texting.

So I finally picked out my dog! He's a goldendoodle, SO adorable! When I get him, I'll post pictures! I can't wait. And don't worry, I know how much responsibility a dog is. I did have a horse, remember?? Puppies are like children. I mean, would you leave your infant home alone? No.
So I definitely have some sitters lined up for when necessary; and as long as he's little, I plan on taking him everywhere! And there's this really awesome dog park right down the street.
Oh! And I'm going to call him Oliver. :)
After Oliver Wood in Harry Potter. Hehe.
He arrives from Indiana in the beginning of September! :) :) :)

The Breakup

After Emma picked me up from my accident, and things were so weird, I got to thinking. And it just made me sad that our friendship has been reduced to what it is now. So I wrote her an email. I'll paste them all.

Me:
Hey...
So um...I can't help but thinking lately, that I'm really sad we aren't such good friends anymore. I mean I guess it's sort of normal for people to grow apart over the years. I just never expected that to happen to us. And I'd really like it if we could hang out, just the 2 of us and catch up. I guess for a while I was just starting to feel like you only called me, or wanted to hang out when it was convenient for you, or if you needed something. And whenever I would come to visit, you would hang out with Dave (the boyfriend) more than you would with me. So I got frustrated and stopped really trying. But I should have just talked to you about it. Anyway...I'm not trying to get all dramatic or emo on you or anything. I just wanted to let you know, that no matter what happens, or how much time goes by, I will always love you like a sister, and if you ever need anything AT ALL, I will always be there for you if you need me. So...I dunno. I just hope that you know that.
okbye.

Emma:
Um...I think this is the email that I should have sent YOU...and yes, our friendship does suck really bad these days. I don't want to get all "emo" on you either, but um...it like...REALLY hurt my feelings that you can't take a day out of your busy schedule to come see ME in huntsville even though I've asked you to come see me a million times, but you just...drive up here on a whim for BJ. Just...in the middle of the week, he calls you and you just...get in your car and drive up here. And you couldn't even find the time to stop by and say hi or something...you know where I live and it's practically on the way for you. So i just figured we weren't friends anymore. BTW, do you notice that every...I dunno...year or so we go through this? ie. you write me an email about us growing apart, and then I get excited, thinking you want to be friends again...and that's it. We never follow it up. But I guess what I'm trying to say is....yea, I'd love to hang out too. Okbye.
Emma

Me:
well i DID wanna hang out with you! i had been trying and trying to call you, and you never answered the phone, or returned my calls! and the reason i went up to visit bj, i mean besides the obvious, is because i knew he would actually HANG OUT with me! every time i go up there, we make all these plans, but in the end its just me, sitting in your living room watching you and dave snogging! and i mean, i know you're busy with school and everything, but it's like...you rarely even call and tell me when you're in pearland. i always hear it from my mom. so i just assume you don't wanna hang out. and even when you came to my bar, and you didn't let me know you were coming, i just...ran into you. and i felt like you hated my friends...i dunno. i guess we just have a lot of underlying issues we need to work out. so do me a favor. tell me EVERYTHING that's bothering you. like, seriously, because i think we just need to put everything out there.
Emma:
ok.
1. I DID used to call u and leave a voicemail, or text u, letting u know I was coming to pearland. I guess....you didn't get those messages or forgot or...I dunno. SO eventually I stopped calling. But I really did call...quite a bit.
2. U say you've been trying to call me lately...well u called like...twice. That's really not that much. And the reason I didn't return your calls is b/c I figured I would never get a hold of you anyways. For explanation, refer to #1.
3. It's been so long since you actually DID come visit me, that I don't even remember what went on. It was at least over year ago. And honestly, I don't remember not paying attention to you. I'm surprised you feel that way; I didn't know you had a problem w/ David being around when you were visiting. Other than that, I didn't know you had a bad time at my house...I guess I should've been more entertaining. But the truth is, it's been so long since I've even hung out w/ a girlfriend, that I don't even know what it is that we're supposed to do for fun. And I had a good time when u were here...I guess it wasn't mutual.
4. I do have a problem w/ your new friends. It's more of a comfort issue than anything. We've talked about this b4 and it boils down to the same issues. They were the people I hated even walking past in high school b/c they were mean to me and made fun of me. Just sitting near them in class made my stomach knot up for fear they would pick on me. And I still have a problem w/ that, and they make me uncomfortable and...pissed off. And there's no reason for me to want to hang out w/ them voluntarily now. So I don't really want to hang out w/ u when you're w/ them. I don't think that's ever going to change. Now your argument is: why don't u just give them a chance? And I would say: because they wouldn't give me a chance in high school. And you would say, why don't u just forgive and forget? And I would say, b/c I'm hard headed. So I guess it's an "impasse".

Me:
1. Me not answering the phone, or whatever back then had nothing to do with me not wanting to talk to you. It has to do with me being busy. And these days, I'm still busy, but i'm not in school anymore, and I don't work as long of shifts as I used to, so I have more time. And if you wanted to call and talk then I would definitely make time to talk to you.
2. No matter how many times i did or didn't call you in the recent past, the point is that I did. I reached out to you, and it felt like you didn't reach back. No matter what you thought about whether I would answer or not, you still could have called me back. I really did wanna see you.
3. I WOULD have fun with you in Huntsville, and I have no beef with Dave. It's just...awkward when I'm sitting there, ALWAYS the third wheel, and you're like sitting on his lap, talking to him in baby voices, and making out. And it's not like you have to plan some big huge display or whatever to hang out with me. We can just...go riding, or go eat, or play harry potter games or whatever! just...enjoy each other's company! that's all!
4. As for my friends, I take issue with this because A) i'm not asking you to hang out with them. B) the only person I'm really friends with that we went to HS with is Melissa. And I know for a fact that she never made fun of me. Some of her friends in HS may have, but I don't talk to them. Melissa is just...really outgoing and friendly to EVERYONE. and she was nice to you at my bar, and you pretty much snubbed her, which hurt her feelings. Im not gonna lie, I love Melissa to death, and she has been nothing but an awesome friend, so there's no reason for me to dislike her by association. And you dont have to hang out with her, or even like her. I don't care about that. It's OUR friendship that matters right now.
It just seems like in the past, you have NEVER liked any of my friends that weren't mutual. Aka, Cecilia, and Alyssa. So anytime I was hanging out with a group, I always felt like I would have to go out of my way to make sure you were comfortable or happy, or whatever, because you would act all...weird around them. I'm a pretty good judge of character Emma. i know which friends to keep, and which ones to let go. Which is why we're having this conversation right now!
Here's my thing. You need to be more open minded, or at least more accepting. Don't punish me for other people's crimes. Who I choose to hang out with when you're not around should not affect OUR friendship, because we have been friends forever, and I hope it will stay that way. I would always hang out with you and your friends and I'm always nice to everyone.
This is how it looks to me:You are refusing to let go of this high school grudge against these people who never really did anything, other than not acknowledge you. In every high school there are cliques, and we were part of one too. Certain cliques just don't mix by principle. It's stupid, I know, but most people get out of high school and realize these things, and move on, and assimilate. The fact of the matter is, you don't even KNOW these people! And i'm pretty sure none of them have a problem with you. And that's why it seems a little ridiculous to me. But...ya know, you're gonna do whatever you wanna do. I just feel like you're acting like I've "sold out" or something. But that's not the case. And me being friends with other people, doesn't mean i'm NOT going to be friends with you.

Emma:
Ok well. there's lots of things i wanna say in reply, but I don't feel like sitting here for hours. So here's the main points.I feel like for the past....I dunno 5 years, I've been the one reaching to YOU and I feel more than snubbed. But you're right. I'm wrong. I've been a horrible friend to you, always calling you only when I needed something, I'm closed-minded, and rude to your friends. Seriously...I just hope that the next time we meet...whenever that may be (couple of months, or years) we can at least remain friends based on the fact that at one point in the past, we were everything each other had.

Me:
Emma...come on. I wasn't trying to bitch you out. I was just telling you how I feel. And I want you to do the same. We are both equally at fault for the way things are. I just don't want us to continue being passive aggressive about this. I just want us to be friends again. That's all. :/

Emma: Well...if you think that writing me a couple of email is going to magically make us bff's again...you're wrong...

Emma: I'm pretty disappointed in the turn our friendship has taken in the past couple of years. And maybe that has a lot to do w/ the fact that I seem to resent your friends. Because I feel like you've repeatedly chosen them over me. And at one point, that used to hurt my feelings. But now i'm just...I dunno I can't even explain it. I'm still mad, but I guess it's been so long that it doesn't really bother me anymore. So now I'm just bitter. I honestly don't know if we're ever going to be normal friends again. BTW, I didn't even think you noticed or cared that we're not friends anymore. I'm quite surprised that you did.

Me: When have I ever chosen any1 over you?? I would always try to include you! And I don't understand WHY you resent me or my friends. There have been lots of instances where I've felt like you didn't really care about me, or times when I needed you, but you didn't notice. And now I'm trying to mend things and you just wanna take stabs at me and my friends that you seem to hate so much. ((sigh)) You know what? Fine. If you don't want to be friends, there's obviously nothing I can do about it. But let it go down in the books that I obviously DID notice and DO care, or I wouldn't have bothered to write you in the first place.

Emma:
Ok now this is getting completely ridiculous. Please answer me this:When have I not cared about you? All those times I called u like an idiot and u never answered? Or are u referring to the fact that I am now almost failing my Mktg. class because I came to get u from Wendy's that is 300 yards from my classroom when u wrecked your car? You're right, I'm a horrible friend. Or wait, what about the time that I freakin' took care of your horse for like 2 months and you never ONCE came to see me, or ride with me. Not freakin' once. Were you being "passive aggressive" then? And also, when have I ever only called you when I needed something? I've never even asked you for a favor...give me just one instance when I've asked you for anything else besides your friendship. I don't understand why you're acting like you're the victim here!! You're the one who's changed so much I barely recognize you. I've been here this whole time, the same Emma you've always known, sitting here wondering how my best friend just dumped me over the years. I simply quit trying because I wasn't getting anything from you in response. I wasn't being "passive aggressive", I just got the hint. I figured I just wasn't "cool" enough or "fun" enough for you to want to hang out w/ me anymore. Which is fine, I'm completely over it now and it doesn't bother me. But it did at one point. And I'm still holding a grudge and like I said, a freakin' email isn't going to fix a damn thing.So...to make a long story short, if you want to be friends again, I might accept really, really sincere apology. Might. I still don't even know if we could even start over, it might be too weird. And if you're not capable of an apology, then fine...and because it means so much to you, I'll be sure and remember the fact that you were the one break our 3-year silence, not me. Kudos to you...
Emma:
And no more emails. If you have anything else to tell me, please call me, or text me, or just come over in person. Since you're here all the time now.


Needless to say I'm really upset about this. Not only because we used to be like sisters, but because I don't understand where all this is coming from, or how I'm supposed to shoulder all the blame! I was just trying to talk to her, and she's being a total bitch to me!! I mean...please, tell me I'm not insane!
I just don't know what to do know, and my feelings are really hurt. And obviously, I'm not going to send her another message. At this point, I really am considering just showing up at her house.
((sigh))

Midnight Musings

Omg it's only Sunday and I seriously miss BJ like...a lot!! I mean I can't seem to get him out of my head! It's driving me crazy!!!
He's over there in Miami, partying it up with a buncha frat boys, and who knows how many chicks. And I'm stuck here, working, and getting sick. I think I'm coming down with something bad; my throat is killing me and I'm exhausted. Ugh.

Last night with Bethany was a blast! We met up with a couple of her guy friends, and barhopped. She ended up getting totally wrecked and I had to drive her home. She was puking out the side of the car. Lol. The guy she wanted to set me up with was MIA so I never even got to meet him, but oh well. We ran into Evan at the Drake, and I ended up crashing at his place last night, cuz I was too tired to drive home. I love Evan! He's such an awesome friend!

Saturday was long-time-friend, Todd's birthday. He's 22 now. And he still has a girlfriend! I swear, I'll be waiting for him to break up with her for the rest of my life. Why couldn't I have noticed him a long time ago?? I guess that's just what happens when you're friends with somebody for years and years...((sigh)) But I can be patient. And who knows, maybe there's a more perfect guy out there. The feelings I have for Todd have been in the back of my mind for at least a year now, so I'm sure I can cram them back there for at least a few more.

I just wish BJ would come back so I can see him again. It's so weird, I mean... One week he was completely out of my life, and the next... Well you know the story. I really should be in bed. Lord knows I need to rest. I really shouldn't have gone out last night after waking up with a sore throat. But I wasn't about to pass up a Saturday night out. I usually have to work.

Well...I guess that's all for now. I'm hoping I can stay up till at least 2 because I asked BJ to call me when he got back to the hotel. But he'll probably be wasted, so who knows... Maybe I should just go to bed.

Demetri Of The Day:
“I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary, and that made me laugh because it’s such a…specific item. I don’t know that many words, and I’m going out…and I have pants. Perfect!”

Old Flame

Sorry I had to go so quickly last time! Hopefully I can get you guys all caught up now.

I've had a lot of time to think about the situation with BJ and I, and I even talked to Cecilia about it. And what I've realized is....I like him. Lol. But I'm afraid to like him because he's not really what I've been looking for. And I'm afraid that it just won't work out between us because of who I am, and who he is, and yet...I can't stay away! We just have undeniable chemistry!
I've gone up to Huntsville to visit him twice now, and we also hung out in The Woodlands once, which is sort of halfway in between. I dunno...I just have a lot of fun with him. And he is a nice guy, but things are just never clear cut and dry with us.
First, there's the situation with he and Cecilia. The other day, I sent her a text about it.

Me: Ok, be TOTALLY honest with me! Does it bother you at all, on a personal level, that me and BJ are...whatever we are?

Cecilia: U just do what u want to do

Me: I am, but that's not an answer!

Cecilia: I don't know. I guess part of me is a little jealous or weirded out or something. But I mean, I really have no right to be upset about it.

Me: No I understand. That's exactly how I felt when you and BJ were talking. This whole situation with the 3 of us is just so beyond effed up.

Cecilia: Well do u LIKE him, as in u could see this goin' somewhere, or are u just messing with him?

Me: I honestly don't know at this point. I know I don't WANT to like him! But I'm still trying to figure it out before things get too crazy.

Cecilia: This is just so weird. I never thought we would be back here to this again! Stupid BJ!

Me: Yea, me neither. But at least this time we know how to handle it and it won't affect our friendship.

She agreed. Our friendship definitely took a pretty big hit last time. What a mess! Anyways, I'm still keeping my options open, because I still don't totally trust him. Especially since he's in Florida for spring break with his friends right now. And I hate myself for admitting this, but I actually miss him! Ugh...

MOVING ON!

I'm actually off tonight, so Bethany and I are hittin' the town. I'm super stoked! She and I haven't hung out in a while, and we both got superhot new dresses to wear! I can't wait.
Melissa has been kind of giving me a guilt trip because I'm not going out with her and the girls tonight, but I almost feel like I've been neglecting my other friends! Ya know? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Melissa! She's one of my besties, but I can't just spend alllll my nights off going out with her. I need to hang with Jenna, and Alyssa, and Bethany, and my other friends too. And it's hard to hang out with everyone all together, because they don't all know each other, and then I'm trying to split my attention 4 ways... You get the picture.
So it's Bethany and I tonight! And she keeps telling me she has this "hot friend" she wants to set me up with. I told her about BJ, but she agrees I should keep my options open, and there's no harm in meeting the guy. He'll be out with our group tonight.

As for FB, he's in Lubbock for spring break, and we haven't talked in a couple weeks. Unless you count the exchanged pleasantries on Facebook. I don't.
Jake The Door Guy? Totally out of the picture. He's just BAD. NEWS. And I'm glad I went with my gut on that one.

I went to the Rodeo Cookoff with Blinn, Valerie, Nick, and his friend Crystal. We had so much fun!! We drank lots of beer, rode carnival rides, played games and it was just loads of good clean fun! But then I noticed Blinn and Crystal getting cozy on the bus, and I was actually jealous!! Yea, weird right? But this was before the whole BJ situation so I haven't given it much thought since then. But, Nick did confess his undying love for me in his drunken stupor. Well not exactly undying love, but he admitted he's had a thing for me for a while. Obviously, he knows I don't return those feelings, and luckily, it hasn't been weird or affected our friendship at all, so that's good.

I'm trying to think if there's anything else important that's happened in the past couple weeks...
I hope I didn't leave anything out!
I guess I'll just tell you all about it later if I think of anything else.

TTFN!

Demetri Of The Day:
"I saw a sign that said "Watch For Children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade. Especially if they're crappy kids.'"