Have To Know

Well I got several guesses about who Todd is on my last post. And I didn't make any of these comments public. Mainly because I don't want to give the people who aren't trying to guess any ideas, but I don't want the people who are guessing to think that by not posting their comments, I'm confirming their guess is correct. I'm not going to confirm, or deny anything.
But I am going to the Superbowl!! I'm so excited!!! I wish I could tell you guys more, and tell you who I'm rooting for, but I just can't risk it. All you need to know is, I'm super excited!! I've never been to Miami! I leave next Friday after work, and I'm coming back Tuesday. Todd called me last night, and was like, "Make sure you stay till at least Monday cuz there's gonna be a ridiculous party at the hotel after the game!"
And of course, I will be there! I asked him who else was going, and he said Brendan and Andrew will be there, along with his parents, and his brother, Pete. I love Pete! He's so much fun. And after years of buying him alcohol, he's finally 21 and can party with us! Todd didn't mention if Laura was going though, which I think is weird. Does that mean she's not going?? I'm just going to operate under the assumption that she is going for now, because...I mean why wouldn't she?? The only reason I can think of for her not going is that she's in nursing school, and they have clinicals and she can't miss class. And with the game being on a Sunday night, she would have to head back to Texas right after the game. So who knows?? We'll see I guess.
I really need to get some hot stuff to wear when I'm in Miami. What do people wear there? I don't wanna look ridiculously out of place. I mean, I know it's like a party town, and definitely a bit more glitzy than Houston, but they have the same weather as us, so most of the stuff I have should be fine. But I still wanna get at least one new dress. I'm gonna look today after work. I was supposed to hang out with Taryn, but then Bethany texted me at 1:30am, saying she took the night off so "we can do something!" and I've suddenly lost my urge to go out. Plus, I really need to save $. My Superbowl ticket costs 500 bucks. Not exactly loose change... So aside from a new dress, I don't wanna be frivolous with my money this week. Maybe I'll just make up some excuse about being too tired, or not feeling good or something. ((sigh)) I woke up late this morning, and I look like ass anyways, so it's not like I can meet Taryn for Happy Hour like we'd planned anyway. I would have to go home and shower, etc... And I just don't feel like it.

So for the past few days, I keep replaying this conversation in my head that Melissa and I had a couple weeks ago. We were eating breakfast in a cafe, the morning after Todd's playoff game, and we were talking about Todd, and she said, "Are you in love with him?"
And I just stared at her, and my throat constricted, and I...I didn't know what to say. It was weird, I mean my eyes even started to water, and I have NO IDEA why. But I had to collect my thoughts and myself before I could answer. And I avoided her eyes and gave her some nonchalant answer, like, "How can you know you're in love with someone you've never even kissed?"
But the way she looked at me it was like she already knew the answer to that question, she just wanted me to say it.
Sometimes Melissa is alarmingly perceptive. ((Sigh))

I don't know how to classify my feelings for Todd. They're just so...mixed up. I mean, I've known him practically my entire life. He's always been there. He's my best friend. I remember when he was in first grade, with huge glasses, buck teeth, and the highest singing voice in the children's church choir. And I remember in high school, when he was 5 feet tall, shorter than me! And scrawny, and dorky, and he was like this cute little kid that would follow me around. Not that I was anyone to be admired. I was just as big of a dork back then as he was.
But then he changed. We changed. He started to grow up, got his first girlfriend. And I was really happy for him. And I was engaged at the time, and the 4 of us would hang out together at his parents house, play pool, go swimming. Then I went away to school, became single again, he went away to school, started going out with Laura. I went through asshole after asshole, and every time I would go home for the holidays, and see Todd, and he was like a breath of fresh air. Same morals, same innocent, bright outlook. And I would talk to him about my latest guy, latest party, and ask him about his life. And he would tell me about his girlfriend, and talk about football. We could talk about anything, just like best friends do.
And then before I knew it, he was...he was this man! Tall, handsome, broad shouldered... The kind of man you look at and say to yourself, "As soon as I get over my bad boy phase, I'll find a guy like him. And we'll get married and have a family."
The kind of man that every girl's mother wishes she would marry. The kind of man that every girl's father respects and trusts. The kind of man who is selfless, and kind, and warm. The best kind of man. The best kind of friend.
And when I realized this, it was just so...sudden. I mean all those years I knew him, and I watched him grow into this man, but I just never thought...
Until it occurred to me one day, that he is everything I have always wanted. And yet, he's still all of those things that he was. Dorky, little, naive, scrawny, and admiring. He just grew up.
((Sigh))
Now that he's in the NFL it's almost harder. Because he has so many more things for people to covet. Fame and money... But I don't really care about those so much. I mean it's cool, don't get me wrong. But it's almost like an elephant in the room. The room, being our friendship. Because I feel like...like I don't want him to think I'm like that. I hope he knows. But even asking him for a Superbowl ticket, I feel kind of guilty. And if he and Laura do break up in the off season, what then???
If I pursue him, will he think I'm only doing it because of what he's become??
And what if I don't pursue him? Will I miss out on my chance?
What if he and Laura don't break up at all??

I just...I have to know. I have to know what this is. What I'm feeling. Am I in love with Todd??

The Dallas Disaster

I ended up having to close Friday night, which was great money-wise, but it also meant I only got 3 hours of sleep before I had to wake up and go pick up Melissa. We made it to Dallas in really good time actually. There was no traffic, and I was speeding most of the way. So we met up with Todd's family first and then went to the tailgate. We ate so much food, it was ridiculous! Finally it was time for the game. We got to watch Todd warm up with his snapper (the guy that throws the ball to him when he kicks). It was awesome! They ended up losing the game, but Todd did really well, and they definitely put up a fight. Seeing him play was amazing. I mean he's so graceful! Lol.

Afterwards, Todd's family left, and we waited for him outside the locker room. There were 2 agents waiting to talk to him as well. A lot of people have been looking at him lately, since it's his senior year. I wonder which NFL team he'll play for.... Anyways, when he finished talking to everyone, he came over said hi, and gave me a hug, and we then we followed him back to his house.

Melissa and I got ready as fast as we could, but by the time we left, it was already 1am. I mean the game didn't end till about 11, and then we had to wait for Todd, so we were already off to a late start. We ended up at some bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not in downtown, which was a little disappointing, because I was hoping to barhop. But we wouldn't have had time anyway... So we took as many shots as we could cram into the hour we had left. Todd, always the responsible one, was driving, so he only had one. The whole time we were there I kept having arguments with myself in my head.

How do I act? Do I flirt? How do I even flirt with him?? Would he even notice?

((sigh)) So I just tried to stay near him at all times. His friends were nice for the most part. All of them were football players, and he introduced me to so many people I couldn't even begin to hope I'd remember all their names. One guy in particular, was extraordinarily obnoxious. I mean Todd warned me that he was "crazy" but I had no idea that meant he would be mentally unstable, socially retarded and chemically imbalanced! First, he grabbed my ass, then he went for my crotch! I mean, standing right in front of me, he goes, "I'm gonna grab your crotch!" and sure enough, he went for it!! Naturally, I slapped his hand away and told him playfully, but seriously, that if he touched me again, I'd punch him in his throat. Todd stepped between us at that point. And he's so huge, he could probably separate 2 mountains if he wanted to. I mean literally, he's 6'6" and in really good shape! It's so weird, cuz I remember when we were in high school, and he was a scrawny 5 feet tall with a squeaky voice. ((sigh)) Those were the days... Anyways, after that, his weird friend walked away.

When the bar closed, we all piled back into Todd's BMW and headed over to a house party. The place was pretty crowded when we got there, and everybody was already pretty loaded. I mean they'd all been drinking since the game ended! There were 3 beer pong tables set up in their garage, and all the boys were in there playing. And of course, when you get a whole football team of twenty-something guys together with beer pong, they're gonna be loud and rowdy.

And this is when things started to get shitty.

Let's do some background real quick. Melissa turned 25 this year. She's 6 months older than I am. And all she ever talks about when in the presence of younger people, is her age. Maybe it's cuz she's short. Maybe it's cuz she still lives at home and doesn't work. Maybe it's cuz she's still going to school. I don't know! But she always feels the need to assert herself by telling people that she's 25, as if it's some kind of exclusive club she just entered. As if anyone cares! And she says it with this air of snotty authority...it's stupid! Every time she does it, I roll my eyes.

"Omg I am so old! I'm twenty-five!"

Ugh.

So as soon as we walk into this party, she starts saying shit about how she can't believe she's at this "college party" with all these "little boys", etc. etc...

About 15 minutes after we get there, someone knocks on the door. One of the players' mom answers it, and it's a disgruntled neighbor, threatening to call the cops if we don't all quiet down. Well since this Mom was the only adult (and I'm not using that term loosely, because technically we were all adults) at the party, she started walking around telling underage drinkers that they should probably head home.

Well Melissa goes up and talks to The Mom and of course, tells her that she's 25, and that she'll help her clear out the minors. So we all go into the garage, where Todd is playing beer pong with 3 other guys. The Mom is yelling for everyone to quiet down, and none of the guys are listening, if they can even hear her over all their noise. One guy in particular, a fat boy with shaggy hair, who was playing beer pong against Todd, is yelling especially loudly. So Melissa starts yelling at him to shut the fuck up and listen to The Mom.

Well the fat kid, in his drunken stupor, doesn't like this and yells at Melissa to shut the fuck up. Then she yells back that he needs to be quiet and listen to The Mom and show some respect.

"Do you fucking live here!?" He screamed, "Fuck you bitch! Do you fucking live here???"

She called him a fat fuck, he called her a whore and a bitch, it went on for about a minute.

Todd and I were just standing there shell-shocked. I mean all I could think was, Omg is this really happening!?

"I wanna leave. Can we please leave now? I don't wanna be here anymore." Melissa says to Todd.

I could tell he didn't wanna go, I mean we'd only been there for about 20 minutes. But since he's Todd, he said of course we could leave. And Melissa immediately walks off. I chased after her through the crowd and out the front door.

"Why are you going outside? It's freezing! We have to wait for Todd." I said.

"Because! I don't wanna be here anymore!" Melissa snapped.

I sighed as she reached Todd's car.

"Ok well don't try to open the door, you might set the alarm off."

"I'm not gonna open the fucking door Peyton, I'm not a retard!"
"Why are you yelling at me!? I'm not the one you're mad at, don't take this out on me!" I said firmly.

"I really don't wanna hear from you right now Peyton! I've already heard enough."

"Well why did you have to say anything to him!? That whole situation could have been avoided if you hadn't started yelling at him to shut the fuck up!" I was starting to lose my cool by this point.

"I don't wanna fucking hear it Peyton! That guy was a fucking dick! He had no right to talk to me like that!" There was a definite bitchy edge to her voice that was raising the hairs on my neck.

"I know that, I'm just saying, none of that would have happened if you hadn't instigated it!"

"Just shutup!" She yelled.

"WHY does drama have to follow me wherever I go!?" I said halfway to myself.

"Oh WHATever! You think you're so much better than everyone! You act like you don't have any drama! But you do! You have just as much as me so you have no room to talk-"

"FINE! Fine." I cut her off.

Todd's roommate, Brendan, approached and we were both silent. He apologized profusely for the fat guy and told us he was ashamed of his friend's actions. I told him not to worry about it, it wasn't his fault, etc...

Todd finally got to the car; he had to say goodbye to some people. When we got in the car, I apologized to Melissa for snapping at her, but she didn't say anything. She just sat in the back seat sniffling. Todd felt so bad about what happened, it was so sweet. ((sigh)) He kept trying to cheer her up, but she just kept shaking her head and saying she didn't care about "that stupid boy". So we went back to Todd's and Melissa went straight upstairs and to bed. A few of Todd's friends came over and they played more beer pong. There were 3 girls there too. I started getting really sleepy, so I sat down on the couch behind the beer pong table to watch. After their game Todd came and sat down. Then one of the girls came over and sat down on the other side of him.
Darn!

The next thing I knew, his arm was around her. My stomach plummeted. And there I was sitting there next to them. How pathetic. I was shocked at how upset this made me. I mean obviously Todd was interested in this girl. So...had he even stopped to consider me in that way?? Maybe he never will... Maybe I'll always just be his "best friend". ((sigh))

"I'm gonna go to bed." I announced.

"Ok!" Todd smiled. "Goodnight Peyton."

The entire night had been a disaster. I trudged up the stairs to Todd's room where Melissa and I were sleeping. She was fast asleep. I went into his humongous bathroom and shut the door so the light wouldn't wake her up. I started to take my makeup off and suddenly I just...started to cry. I don't really know why it all hit me at once like that, but it did. I backed into Todd's closet and shut the door so that I could have a good cry and get it out of my system.

It's like I've been single for so long, and wasting so much time with all these stupid asshole guys, that nobody takes me seriously anymore. Everyone just thinks I'm out to have fun, and I'm just all about the scene and that's it. But I'm not. That's not me. And if anyone should know that, it's Todd. But he can't seem to see me in a romantic light. ((sigh))

He's so...perfect...it's like...I don't know what to do! We've been friends since we were kids. He introduces me as his best friend. But...we have a really deep-rooted friendship, and isn't that the best foundation for a successful relationship? And he really knows me, I mean really knows me. And we understand each other so well, and we have the same ideals, and I have so much respect for him, he's the nicest guy I know! It literally kills me to just let him go. But...I've already told him before that it's crossed my mind, and he's only been single for about 4 weeks, and I don't wanna overwhelm him. But I also don't wanna pass up this opportunity, because who knows when I'll get this chance again! Maybe he just doesn't know how I feel, or maybe...I dunno. I just don't know!

I told Sophie all about it. She thinks I should wait till the next time he's in town and ask him out on a date. She says I'll have to make the first move, because he's never been good about that. I mean, he was set up with his last girlfriend, and he's only ever had 2 serious relationships. But I know he won't be back in Houston for at least 4 weeks, because he has 4 more games. And 4 weeks is a long time to wait!!

So I've been toying with the idea of writing to him. Like an email or something. But I have no idea what to say, or even how to begin.

((Sigh))

TDH stood me up again on Friday. He didn't even call!

Tonight he texted me, "Hey!"

I said, "Don't bother."

"Figured...I'm sorry, late" was his response.

What a dick.

I'm so through with these guys.

I'm just done.

P.S. This is my hair, and believe it or not, it's brown!

So here I am
Looking pretty for you
They come and go
No one else here will do
So I'm dancing alone
Dreaming solo
'Cause your love's the one worth waiting for
It's just like heaven

Hello Little Boys, Little Toys...

Sorry it's been so long since last post! You're about to find out why...

Megans wedding was so much fun! I'm glad I went solo. I was able to just goof off with my girls and have a good time without worrying about a date! There weren't any single guys there, but who cares! Rikki, Izzie, and Shane (Shane is a girl) were all bridesmaids. Rikki and I have been best friends since junior high, but she lives in Seattle with her husband now, so we never get to see each other! Shane, Izzie, Rikki and Megan all used to live together in Austin, and we've all become good friends. So anyways, Shane and I are the only single ones left! And we were talking about how much fun Austin is, and I decided to go back! I had off Monday through Wednesday again, so I was like, "Let's do it!"
After the wedding I had to go straight to work, but the whole wedding party (minus the bride and groom of course) showed up at my bar! It was a total blast.
On Sunday, I had to be at work at 1. Ugh. I was so exhausted from working Friday night, going to the wedding, and then working Saturday night again. But I gotta make that money! So I'm on my way out the door around noon, when Billy calls! It had been almost a week since I put my number in his phone, so I'd kind of figured I wasn't gonna hear from him. But there he was calling me! He was calling to invite me to watch football and drink beer with him, but I had to work. So he said to call him when I got off, around 6, and we could hang out. I wasn't really sure what to expect, but of course I agreed! Work was slow, and I was soooo tired I could barely keep my eyes open. But 6 o'clock eventually came and I was free! I really needed to go home and shower, so I did that first, and then I called Billy. We made plans to meet at El Patio in midtown. I put on my new superhot top I got in Austin and headed out.
Unfortunately, El Patio was closed, so we deliberated for a while and decided to go to Crome over near the Village because some of Billy's coworkers were hanging out over there. We ended up also going to The Roof, and Shadow Bar. And I had so much fun! Billy is the sweetest guy, I mean he's fun, and he makes me laugh, and I feel totally comfortable around him, ya know?? I was kinda drunk by the time we made it to Shadow Bar and I lost my ID at some point... Billy was driving my car; he'd left his in the lot by Crome. So there we were just hanging out by the bar, talking, and he suddenly kisses me! And I'm not sure if it was the alcohol, or if it was just an awesome kiss, but I started to feel dizzy from kissing him! Let's just say it was a good kiss! The night ended perfectly!
He begged me not to go to Austin the next day, but hell...nothing was gonna stop me! Haha. So I promised to call him if my plans changed.
But they didn't! Of course. I did chat on the phone with him for almost the entire drive. I can't remember the last time I actually talked on the phone so much with a guy! It's always stupid texting! I know I'm a total textaholic, but I'm starting to think that's not such a good thing! Anyways, I got to Shane's place by like 1:30 am, and both of us were too tired to go out, so we agreed to get a good night's sleep and be well rested for Tuesday.
We wanted to go float the river Tuesday, but once again, it was raining! So we went shopping and then met up with Rikki and her husband, Pete, at this tattoo shop. Rikki had this brilliant idea to get a tattoo (she's a really spontaneous kind of person) and she wanted our opinions.
NO NO NO! The artist who drew it was awful! And she was gonna charge her $120 an hour!! So she ended up just getting a little Arabic symbol on her hip. It was really cute!
All throughout the day, Josh had been texting me, asking me what my plans were, and if I was going out. I told him we were definitely going out, and that we'd stop by his bar later.
So, later rolls around, and it's us 4 girls all looking smokin' hot! Haha. It's so easy to get free drinks in Austin when you're a girl! We didn't spend a penny! Josh was looking as cute as I remembered. We hugged and he said it was good to see me. Then he gave us some shots and we chatted for a bit before heading to the next bar. Around 1 am, he texted me asking what I was doing later. He wanted to hang out. I told him I was staying at Shane's place, so he wouldn't be able to crash there, and he said he was too "embarassed" to bring me to his place because he's moving and it was a mess. But in the end, he gave in. So he said he'd call me when he got off work around 3:30 and come meet me at Shane's so I could follow him.
Well when he finally called, I couldn't find my keys anywhere! I had all my stuff packed and I was ready to go, but no keys! After about 20 minutes of searching I was in a state of panic. So I called Josh and told him my situation, thinking, like any nice guy, he would offer to pick me up. Boy was I wrong! He basically said he didn't feel like driving over there, and it would be pointless cuz he'd have to drive me back, etc, etc... He wasn't an asshole about it or anything but still. Definitely a deal-breaker! I mean I drove all the way to Austin and he can't even drive 15 minutes down the road to come get me!? G's...
Shane is convinced he just wanted a piece of ass. And if that was the case, he should have known better. Ugh.
Shane found my keys in the kitchen freezer the next day. Haha! I had set them in there earlier when all us girls were getting ready to go out. I had a bunch of glasses in my hand, and I was getting the ice cubes and I guess I just set them down in the freezer! Lol. Well, clearly, I wasn't meant to go anywhere Tuesday night.
On my drive back to Houston, I called Billy. He's never been to Austin before because he just moved here from Arizona and all, so he asked me all about my trip and everything. Then he asked me if I wanted to have dinner with him, since I'd be driving right through his side of town on my way back. So I said sure! We just went to Bennigan's since it was kinda late. We talked and goofed off. And then we went back to his place and watched Disturbia, which was really funny by the way. And then we just passed out! Right on his bed, fully clothed. Haha. I woke up this morning and he was in the shower getting ready for work. When he got out I said, "Going somewhere?" and he said, "Yep! I'm taking you to lunch, and then going to work." :)
I felt like ass because I hadn't showered or anything, but I put my hair up, and powdered my nose and we headed out. Another great meal complete with amazing conversation! Both of us are working tonight, so I may even see him again later! When he kissed me goodbye, he pulled away, made a surprised face and then kissed me hungrily again. "Wow, that tastes good!" (in reference to my lipgloss). Then he kissed me at least 4 more times until I was no longer wearing any. Haha. "It's not even supposed to taste like anything! It just smells good!" I said.
"Well then maybe it's just you." he said with a crooked smile.
:)
All in all, a good beginning to my week!
And Jenna wants to go back to Austin again this Monday!!
G's...I hope I can keep up!!

Mitch Of The Day:
"My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them."