I'm In Miami, Bitch!

Ok... Where do I start??
There is no way I can even begin to tell the story of this past weekend, so I'll just stick to the highlights.

Laura and I got along just fine in our hotel room. I actually didn't get to see Todd all that much till after the game. Friday night we went out, Saturday I was so hungover I had to sleep most of the day. Then Saturday we went out again, but I didn't drink. Then SUNDAY!!! Laura and I got up and got dressed. I put on Todd's jersey and put my hair in 2 low pigtails. Todd actually stopped by our room before the team left. I gave him a thank you card that said, "Thank you from the bottom of my butt..." on the outside, and "...Cuz it's a lot bigger than my heart" on the inside. Lol. Then I wrote a message inside telling him how much I appreciate everything he's done for me, and how much it means to me, and what a great friend he is. I told him that he's one of the most genuine, kind-hearted, caring people I know and that he deserves all the awesomeness that comes his way. He laughed at the funny message and thanked me for the card. So I know he liked it. Then I had him sign my jersey! Now it's worth milllllllions!! MUAHAHHAAA! jk..
After Todd left, we went to the tailgate party where we met up with Brendan, Andrew and Nico, Reese's boyfriend. Nico is from South Africa, and he has red hair and a cool accent. Lol. Anyway, so the tailgate was awesome, and there was TONS of food! From there we took buses to the stadium, with a police escort! It was so cool! They shut down the whole freeway for us! Once we got to the stadium, we walked around, bought programs and looked at the merchandise. It was literally like a fairgrounds out there. They had carnival rides, and games, and exhibits...it was nuts! When we got inside the stadium, Laura separated from the rest of us, since she was sitting with Todd's parents. Me and the 3 guys had seats by ourselves in a different section.
So the game was awesome, Todd had a very dramatic play! It was considered a turning point in the game! The halftime show was pretty cool I guess. I mean, I like The Who but I'm not a crazed fan or anything. Oh, and it was a little weird hearing the name "Peyton" over the loudspeaker so many times! Lol. After the game, we were all exhausted, and we piled back on our buses to head back to the hotel.
Andrew and I sat together, and inevitably ended up talking about Laura. Apparently Todd tried to break up with her a week ago, and she went apeshit. I guess she almost didn't even go to Miami! Andrew thinks Laura is completely nuts and that Todd needs to hurry up and dump her, because the longer he waits, the crazier she gets. So apparently, all the body language I've been reading from Todd has been spot on. It's not just all in my head!! Lol. And apparently, I'm not the only one who feels like Laura isn't right for Todd.

When we finally got back to the hotel, I rushed up to the room and jumped in the shower. Laura wasn't back yet, but she'd arrived by the time I got out. I dried my hair, and stuck it up rollers, and had started on my makeup by the time she got out of the shower. Then we rushed to finish getting ready. Me with my sparkly black shoes, and purple strapless dress, and she in a black drapey dress.
Then we headed to the ballroom.
The party was insane! There were 2 live bands (FAMOUS bands), an open bar, food, and tons of celebrities there! Reese and I chummed up, because Laura proceeded to get shamefully drunk. Both of us were kind of giving her sideways glances. Todd was off mingling with the other players, so none of us really saw him for the first hour. Then we all regrouped out by the bar, quite by accident. By this time, Laura was fucked 3 times towards the weekend. She had gone completely batty!! First, she walked up to me and slurred, "If Todd ever looks over here, or even notices me, will you take a picture of us?"
I gave her a startled, wide-eyed look and then grabbed Todd's arm.
"TODD! Picture!" I said as he whipped around. I quickly snapped their photo.
Then 10 minutes later, Laura walked over to me again and said, "Ohmygoshh...Todd's so over me. Hey, if we don't know each other next week, I just want you to know that I'm glad we kind of bonded and...and I know you'll always be friends with Todd since you guys are like...BFFs but I just want you to know that I'm glad we met and keep Todd humble, and..." She went on like this for a while.
I glanced at Todd nervously, hoping he wasn't hearing any of this, since he was standing like a foot away! Reese gave me a look like she'd already gotten the spiel. Then we both dragged Laura off to the bathroom. She continued to go on like this, apparently to each of Todd's friends. Reese tried talking some sense into her.
"Girl you need to get yourself together!! Do you see me and Nico?? Just ignore him! Act like it doesn't bother you!"
"It doesssnt matter... He'ssssgonna break up with mmeeeanyways." She slurred.
Reese and I exchanged meaningful looks.
"What are you talking about!" I said, "Snap out of it! We're at a Superbowl party, come on, let's go." And we left the restroom.
Laura wondered off somewhere after that, so Reese and I went to find the guys. We spent the rest of the night, chasing down people and taking photos, and drinking. And overall, we had an amazing time! When the party came to a close, we all decided we wanted Denny's. Lol. So all 7 of us headed downstairs to get a cab.

We were having trouble finding a cab that would fit 7 people, and were thinking we may have to take 2, when a limo pulled up. I mean, we were on a street corner, it wasn't like this limo was trying to pick us up. But Nico and Todd ran up to the window and asked the driver,
"Hey! How much to drive us all to Denny's?"
"Well how much are you wanting to spend?" The driver asked.
"Just tell us how much." Nico said.
"Uh...20 bucks?"
"SOLD! COME ON GUYS!"

So we all piled into the limo to head to Denny's. Lol. How fucking random is that? Straight out of a scene from The Hangover. Lol. There was even an open bottle of champagne in the limo, which we drank. Lol.
When we got there, Laura went straight to the bathroom, and Reese followed. They were in there for quite a long time. All the guys kept looking at me and saying, "There's only one person at this table who can go in there..."
"I am not going in there! I know what's going on in there, and I'm sorry but I'm not going in there." I said.
When they finally came back, Laura looked red-faced. Reese sat down across from me and rolled her eyes. We took videos of our random, funny, drunken conversations at the table, and Todd bought us all breakfast. Lol. It was a wonderful nightcap.
Then we took separate cabs home, since me, Todd and Laura were going back to the hotel, and the rest of them were going to Reese and Nico's place. In the cab, Todd put his arms around both of us to keep us warm. It was freezing outside!
Then Todd came up to our room, instead of going to his. That felt a little awkward, but hey...we were all drunk so whatever. Todd got on the side of the bed that was on the inside, next to the lamp, which is in between the 2 beds, i.e. closest to me, and Laura threw a mini-fit about that.
"What are you doing?? You know I sleep on this side of the bed!"
"Uh...no you don't."
"Ok....."
I pretended not to hear them and rolled over.
Next thing I knew, it was morning.

When I got back to Houston, I was exhausted, and now I'm coming down with something, since I haven't really slept in 4 days, and I spent all that time drinking and partying. Lol.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about Todd and Laura. I mean, I feel so bad for Todd, because clearly he doesn't want to be in that relationship anymore, but she makes it so difficult for him to get out! And I really wanted to talk to him about it, just as a friend, cuz you know, she could have really embarrassed him at that party Sunday night with her crazy talk and boozing. Ugh. But I just didn't wanna say something to Todd and have him think I was being catty, or that I had an ulterior motive. Because even though I do like him, I really just want him to be happy. And I can tell he's not happy with Laura. So last night I sent Andrew a Facebook message.
"Hey, so have you talked to Todd yet? About the whole Laura had a case of the crazies on Sunday night thing??"
I figured, since they're close, and Andrew feels the same way I do, that they had probably talked about it. This morning, he wrote me back. They broke up.

They broke up.

Todd is single!! Let's just hope it's for good this time.

Have To Know

Well I got several guesses about who Todd is on my last post. And I didn't make any of these comments public. Mainly because I don't want to give the people who aren't trying to guess any ideas, but I don't want the people who are guessing to think that by not posting their comments, I'm confirming their guess is correct. I'm not going to confirm, or deny anything.
But I am going to the Superbowl!! I'm so excited!!! I wish I could tell you guys more, and tell you who I'm rooting for, but I just can't risk it. All you need to know is, I'm super excited!! I've never been to Miami! I leave next Friday after work, and I'm coming back Tuesday. Todd called me last night, and was like, "Make sure you stay till at least Monday cuz there's gonna be a ridiculous party at the hotel after the game!"
And of course, I will be there! I asked him who else was going, and he said Brendan and Andrew will be there, along with his parents, and his brother, Pete. I love Pete! He's so much fun. And after years of buying him alcohol, he's finally 21 and can party with us! Todd didn't mention if Laura was going though, which I think is weird. Does that mean she's not going?? I'm just going to operate under the assumption that she is going for now, because...I mean why wouldn't she?? The only reason I can think of for her not going is that she's in nursing school, and they have clinicals and she can't miss class. And with the game being on a Sunday night, she would have to head back to Texas right after the game. So who knows?? We'll see I guess.
I really need to get some hot stuff to wear when I'm in Miami. What do people wear there? I don't wanna look ridiculously out of place. I mean, I know it's like a party town, and definitely a bit more glitzy than Houston, but they have the same weather as us, so most of the stuff I have should be fine. But I still wanna get at least one new dress. I'm gonna look today after work. I was supposed to hang out with Taryn, but then Bethany texted me at 1:30am, saying she took the night off so "we can do something!" and I've suddenly lost my urge to go out. Plus, I really need to save $. My Superbowl ticket costs 500 bucks. Not exactly loose change... So aside from a new dress, I don't wanna be frivolous with my money this week. Maybe I'll just make up some excuse about being too tired, or not feeling good or something. ((sigh)) I woke up late this morning, and I look like ass anyways, so it's not like I can meet Taryn for Happy Hour like we'd planned anyway. I would have to go home and shower, etc... And I just don't feel like it.

So for the past few days, I keep replaying this conversation in my head that Melissa and I had a couple weeks ago. We were eating breakfast in a cafe, the morning after Todd's playoff game, and we were talking about Todd, and she said, "Are you in love with him?"
And I just stared at her, and my throat constricted, and I...I didn't know what to say. It was weird, I mean my eyes even started to water, and I have NO IDEA why. But I had to collect my thoughts and myself before I could answer. And I avoided her eyes and gave her some nonchalant answer, like, "How can you know you're in love with someone you've never even kissed?"
But the way she looked at me it was like she already knew the answer to that question, she just wanted me to say it.
Sometimes Melissa is alarmingly perceptive. ((Sigh))

I don't know how to classify my feelings for Todd. They're just so...mixed up. I mean, I've known him practically my entire life. He's always been there. He's my best friend. I remember when he was in first grade, with huge glasses, buck teeth, and the highest singing voice in the children's church choir. And I remember in high school, when he was 5 feet tall, shorter than me! And scrawny, and dorky, and he was like this cute little kid that would follow me around. Not that I was anyone to be admired. I was just as big of a dork back then as he was.
But then he changed. We changed. He started to grow up, got his first girlfriend. And I was really happy for him. And I was engaged at the time, and the 4 of us would hang out together at his parents house, play pool, go swimming. Then I went away to school, became single again, he went away to school, started going out with Laura. I went through asshole after asshole, and every time I would go home for the holidays, and see Todd, and he was like a breath of fresh air. Same morals, same innocent, bright outlook. And I would talk to him about my latest guy, latest party, and ask him about his life. And he would tell me about his girlfriend, and talk about football. We could talk about anything, just like best friends do.
And then before I knew it, he was...he was this man! Tall, handsome, broad shouldered... The kind of man you look at and say to yourself, "As soon as I get over my bad boy phase, I'll find a guy like him. And we'll get married and have a family."
The kind of man that every girl's mother wishes she would marry. The kind of man that every girl's father respects and trusts. The kind of man who is selfless, and kind, and warm. The best kind of man. The best kind of friend.
And when I realized this, it was just so...sudden. I mean all those years I knew him, and I watched him grow into this man, but I just never thought...
Until it occurred to me one day, that he is everything I have always wanted. And yet, he's still all of those things that he was. Dorky, little, naive, scrawny, and admiring. He just grew up.
((Sigh))
Now that he's in the NFL it's almost harder. Because he has so many more things for people to covet. Fame and money... But I don't really care about those so much. I mean it's cool, don't get me wrong. But it's almost like an elephant in the room. The room, being our friendship. Because I feel like...like I don't want him to think I'm like that. I hope he knows. But even asking him for a Superbowl ticket, I feel kind of guilty. And if he and Laura do break up in the off season, what then???
If I pursue him, will he think I'm only doing it because of what he's become??
And what if I don't pursue him? Will I miss out on my chance?
What if he and Laura don't break up at all??

I just...I have to know. I have to know what this is. What I'm feeling. Am I in love with Todd??

Weekend Win

Well once again, I had entirely too much fun this weekend! Melissa picked me up around 4am after I got off work. I slept most of the way, while she drove. We got there around mid morning, and did a little shopping. Melissa wanted to get a team shirt to wear. I got a really pretty necklace with the team's logo on it. I love it. Then we went to the hotel to meet up with Todd.
He and I went to the front desk together, since he had already reserved a block of rooms. Originally, Melissa and I were going to share a room with Todd and Laura, but 2 of Todd's friends from Miami ended up sharing their room, so we got a room all to ourselves! So we got our room keys, and headed upstiars to shower and nap. As we were walking down the hall, I noticed our room was at the very end of the hallway. Like, a corner room.

"Wow, this must be a really nice room!" I said.

We opened the door and found ourselves in a suite of some sort. It had 2 rooms inside of it!

"Why is there $5 on the table?" I said, as we walked in the door.

"Who's jacket is that?" Melissa pointed to the couch.

"Uhh...maybe we are sharing a room with somebody. Hello??" I called.

"Yes! Who's there??" Came a woman's voice from the bedroom.

"It's Peyton." I said.

"Don't come back here! Are you delivering the food?" The voice said.

"Uh...no..." Melissa said.

"Well don't come back here! I'm not dressed!" The woman shouted frantically. "Honey, put your clothes on!" She said to someone else.

Melissa and I exchanged confused looks.

"Are you with Todd's party?" I asked.

"No! Don't come any closer!"

Now we were really confused. Finally, a woman walked out of the bedroom. She looked a bit frazzled, and was tying the belt on her robe.

"Who are you!?" She asked accusingly.

"Well...this is our room...I think." I said.

"Noooo, I'm pretty sure it's not! This is our room!"

"Hmm...well they gave us these keys, and they opened this door..."

I showed her the envelope with the room number written on it.

"Well this is a mistake!" The woman said.

"We are so sorry!" Melissa looked mortified. "Well go downstairs and ask them."

We picked up our things and started to head towards the door.

"Oh, I am going to call the front desk right now!" The woman said haughtily.

She practically shooed us out of her room.

"We totally just walked in on them doing it!" Melissa said, her mouth agape.

I laughed.

"That is so weird. I can't believe they gave us the keys to someone else's room!"

So we went down to the front desk and I explained to them what happened, and how completely disgraced we both felt at having walked in on a naked couple! The woman at the desk was very apologetic and gave us a coupon for a free meal for 2 at the hotel restaurant. When we finally got to our actual room, which was not as big as the other one, but still nice, and with an amazing view, Melissa went straight to bed, and I got in the shower. After we were both rested and ready to go, we met up with Todd's family and friends in the lobby, and headed over to the game. It was awesome! I got to know all of Todd's friends, one of whom is a girl named Reese, who was super cool. She was funny and outgoing and sarcastic like me, so of course we got along great! She even offered to let me stay at her place in Miami if Todd's team makes it to the Superbowl! WOOHOO!
And of course they won, and then we went to dinner, and out for drinks afterwards, where we hung out with some of the players...it was ridiculous. Melissa actually went back to the hotel after dinner cuz she was so tired. But I was kind of relieved actually, because I figured she wouldn't be able to make it through the entire night, and I didn't want to have to leave early on her account. So I just went by myself. Todd and Laura and the couple staying with them left the club around 1am, cuz Todd had workouts in the morning, and then it was just me the guys! Eight of Todd's college friends came to watch the game. I already knew 2 of the guys, Brendan and Andrew, from when Melissa and I went to watch Todd's college ballgame.
And I had an interesting conversation with one of them about Todd and Laura. Obviously, it bothers me to see Todd and Laura together, but I never let it show. And as much as I like Todd, I respect him, and the fact that he's in a relationship, no matter how unmatched they are, and I would never do anything to disrupt that. But I was very observant of a lot of things.
First of all, Todd doesn't really seem that into her! I mean, she's all over him most of the time, and he reciprocates, but he never initiates. He didn't even sit with her at dinner! He just doesn't act like a crazy in love guy would act. And I've seen how sweet and affectionate Todd can be. But he's not that way with Laura. And then there's the fact that Laura's mother is certifiably insane! She was at the game too, and Todd's mom was cracking me up saying things like, "That woman is out of control! I don't even know why she's here! I didn't invite her!"
But really, she's crazy! She tries to act like one of the gang, always hanging out with the younger crowd, but she just comes off as a creepy, annoying hasbeen. And that is definitely not lost on Todd, or the rest of his family. Abd then there's the fact that Todd has decided to move back to Dallas for the offseason, instead of Houston, where his girlfriend lives!! I mean...why would he choose to live in another city, when he could just as easily be with her!? Something's just not adding up.
So anyways, I was talking to Todd's friend, Brendan, about it. Not about me liking Todd (I'd rather keep that info to myself as of right now), but just about how he doesn't seem that interested in Laura anymore. And Brendan agreed. He said he thinks Todd just doesn't know how to be alone, and that he'd rather just stay in a relationship and not deal with the drama of a breakup and risk his performance with the team. I had never thought about it like that before. So maybe he'll break up with her during the off season...?? Who knows. But I'm going to wait for him. As long as it takes.
Todd offered me tickets to next week's game as well, but I told him to give them to my parents. Cuz they reallly wanna go, and I really need to save money if they make it to the Superbowl. Reese was telling me how ridiculously expensive everything in Miami is! But I really hope they make it!! I wanna go so bad! Sophie's not sure she'll be able to go now, but I really hope she can. If she can't, I guess I'll just go solo! Oh well. I'm sure it will be a blast!

The Dallas Disaster

I ended up having to close Friday night, which was great money-wise, but it also meant I only got 3 hours of sleep before I had to wake up and go pick up Melissa. We made it to Dallas in really good time actually. There was no traffic, and I was speeding most of the way. So we met up with Todd's family first and then went to the tailgate. We ate so much food, it was ridiculous! Finally it was time for the game. We got to watch Todd warm up with his snapper (the guy that throws the ball to him when he kicks). It was awesome! They ended up losing the game, but Todd did really well, and they definitely put up a fight. Seeing him play was amazing. I mean he's so graceful! Lol.

Afterwards, Todd's family left, and we waited for him outside the locker room. There were 2 agents waiting to talk to him as well. A lot of people have been looking at him lately, since it's his senior year. I wonder which NFL team he'll play for.... Anyways, when he finished talking to everyone, he came over said hi, and gave me a hug, and we then we followed him back to his house.

Melissa and I got ready as fast as we could, but by the time we left, it was already 1am. I mean the game didn't end till about 11, and then we had to wait for Todd, so we were already off to a late start. We ended up at some bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not in downtown, which was a little disappointing, because I was hoping to barhop. But we wouldn't have had time anyway... So we took as many shots as we could cram into the hour we had left. Todd, always the responsible one, was driving, so he only had one. The whole time we were there I kept having arguments with myself in my head.

How do I act? Do I flirt? How do I even flirt with him?? Would he even notice?

((sigh)) So I just tried to stay near him at all times. His friends were nice for the most part. All of them were football players, and he introduced me to so many people I couldn't even begin to hope I'd remember all their names. One guy in particular, was extraordinarily obnoxious. I mean Todd warned me that he was "crazy" but I had no idea that meant he would be mentally unstable, socially retarded and chemically imbalanced! First, he grabbed my ass, then he went for my crotch! I mean, standing right in front of me, he goes, "I'm gonna grab your crotch!" and sure enough, he went for it!! Naturally, I slapped his hand away and told him playfully, but seriously, that if he touched me again, I'd punch him in his throat. Todd stepped between us at that point. And he's so huge, he could probably separate 2 mountains if he wanted to. I mean literally, he's 6'6" and in really good shape! It's so weird, cuz I remember when we were in high school, and he was a scrawny 5 feet tall with a squeaky voice. ((sigh)) Those were the days... Anyways, after that, his weird friend walked away.

When the bar closed, we all piled back into Todd's BMW and headed over to a house party. The place was pretty crowded when we got there, and everybody was already pretty loaded. I mean they'd all been drinking since the game ended! There were 3 beer pong tables set up in their garage, and all the boys were in there playing. And of course, when you get a whole football team of twenty-something guys together with beer pong, they're gonna be loud and rowdy.

And this is when things started to get shitty.

Let's do some background real quick. Melissa turned 25 this year. She's 6 months older than I am. And all she ever talks about when in the presence of younger people, is her age. Maybe it's cuz she's short. Maybe it's cuz she still lives at home and doesn't work. Maybe it's cuz she's still going to school. I don't know! But she always feels the need to assert herself by telling people that she's 25, as if it's some kind of exclusive club she just entered. As if anyone cares! And she says it with this air of snotty authority...it's stupid! Every time she does it, I roll my eyes.

"Omg I am so old! I'm twenty-five!"

Ugh.

So as soon as we walk into this party, she starts saying shit about how she can't believe she's at this "college party" with all these "little boys", etc. etc...

About 15 minutes after we get there, someone knocks on the door. One of the players' mom answers it, and it's a disgruntled neighbor, threatening to call the cops if we don't all quiet down. Well since this Mom was the only adult (and I'm not using that term loosely, because technically we were all adults) at the party, she started walking around telling underage drinkers that they should probably head home.

Well Melissa goes up and talks to The Mom and of course, tells her that she's 25, and that she'll help her clear out the minors. So we all go into the garage, where Todd is playing beer pong with 3 other guys. The Mom is yelling for everyone to quiet down, and none of the guys are listening, if they can even hear her over all their noise. One guy in particular, a fat boy with shaggy hair, who was playing beer pong against Todd, is yelling especially loudly. So Melissa starts yelling at him to shut the fuck up and listen to The Mom.

Well the fat kid, in his drunken stupor, doesn't like this and yells at Melissa to shut the fuck up. Then she yells back that he needs to be quiet and listen to The Mom and show some respect.

"Do you fucking live here!?" He screamed, "Fuck you bitch! Do you fucking live here???"

She called him a fat fuck, he called her a whore and a bitch, it went on for about a minute.

Todd and I were just standing there shell-shocked. I mean all I could think was, Omg is this really happening!?

"I wanna leave. Can we please leave now? I don't wanna be here anymore." Melissa says to Todd.

I could tell he didn't wanna go, I mean we'd only been there for about 20 minutes. But since he's Todd, he said of course we could leave. And Melissa immediately walks off. I chased after her through the crowd and out the front door.

"Why are you going outside? It's freezing! We have to wait for Todd." I said.

"Because! I don't wanna be here anymore!" Melissa snapped.

I sighed as she reached Todd's car.

"Ok well don't try to open the door, you might set the alarm off."

"I'm not gonna open the fucking door Peyton, I'm not a retard!"
"Why are you yelling at me!? I'm not the one you're mad at, don't take this out on me!" I said firmly.

"I really don't wanna hear from you right now Peyton! I've already heard enough."

"Well why did you have to say anything to him!? That whole situation could have been avoided if you hadn't started yelling at him to shut the fuck up!" I was starting to lose my cool by this point.

"I don't wanna fucking hear it Peyton! That guy was a fucking dick! He had no right to talk to me like that!" There was a definite bitchy edge to her voice that was raising the hairs on my neck.

"I know that, I'm just saying, none of that would have happened if you hadn't instigated it!"

"Just shutup!" She yelled.

"WHY does drama have to follow me wherever I go!?" I said halfway to myself.

"Oh WHATever! You think you're so much better than everyone! You act like you don't have any drama! But you do! You have just as much as me so you have no room to talk-"

"FINE! Fine." I cut her off.

Todd's roommate, Brendan, approached and we were both silent. He apologized profusely for the fat guy and told us he was ashamed of his friend's actions. I told him not to worry about it, it wasn't his fault, etc...

Todd finally got to the car; he had to say goodbye to some people. When we got in the car, I apologized to Melissa for snapping at her, but she didn't say anything. She just sat in the back seat sniffling. Todd felt so bad about what happened, it was so sweet. ((sigh)) He kept trying to cheer her up, but she just kept shaking her head and saying she didn't care about "that stupid boy". So we went back to Todd's and Melissa went straight upstairs and to bed. A few of Todd's friends came over and they played more beer pong. There were 3 girls there too. I started getting really sleepy, so I sat down on the couch behind the beer pong table to watch. After their game Todd came and sat down. Then one of the girls came over and sat down on the other side of him.
Darn!

The next thing I knew, his arm was around her. My stomach plummeted. And there I was sitting there next to them. How pathetic. I was shocked at how upset this made me. I mean obviously Todd was interested in this girl. So...had he even stopped to consider me in that way?? Maybe he never will... Maybe I'll always just be his "best friend". ((sigh))

"I'm gonna go to bed." I announced.

"Ok!" Todd smiled. "Goodnight Peyton."

The entire night had been a disaster. I trudged up the stairs to Todd's room where Melissa and I were sleeping. She was fast asleep. I went into his humongous bathroom and shut the door so the light wouldn't wake her up. I started to take my makeup off and suddenly I just...started to cry. I don't really know why it all hit me at once like that, but it did. I backed into Todd's closet and shut the door so that I could have a good cry and get it out of my system.

It's like I've been single for so long, and wasting so much time with all these stupid asshole guys, that nobody takes me seriously anymore. Everyone just thinks I'm out to have fun, and I'm just all about the scene and that's it. But I'm not. That's not me. And if anyone should know that, it's Todd. But he can't seem to see me in a romantic light. ((sigh))

He's so...perfect...it's like...I don't know what to do! We've been friends since we were kids. He introduces me as his best friend. But...we have a really deep-rooted friendship, and isn't that the best foundation for a successful relationship? And he really knows me, I mean really knows me. And we understand each other so well, and we have the same ideals, and I have so much respect for him, he's the nicest guy I know! It literally kills me to just let him go. But...I've already told him before that it's crossed my mind, and he's only been single for about 4 weeks, and I don't wanna overwhelm him. But I also don't wanna pass up this opportunity, because who knows when I'll get this chance again! Maybe he just doesn't know how I feel, or maybe...I dunno. I just don't know!

I told Sophie all about it. She thinks I should wait till the next time he's in town and ask him out on a date. She says I'll have to make the first move, because he's never been good about that. I mean, he was set up with his last girlfriend, and he's only ever had 2 serious relationships. But I know he won't be back in Houston for at least 4 weeks, because he has 4 more games. And 4 weeks is a long time to wait!!

So I've been toying with the idea of writing to him. Like an email or something. But I have no idea what to say, or even how to begin.

((Sigh))

TDH stood me up again on Friday. He didn't even call!

Tonight he texted me, "Hey!"

I said, "Don't bother."

"Figured...I'm sorry, late" was his response.

What a dick.

I'm so through with these guys.

I'm just done.

P.S. This is my hair, and believe it or not, it's brown!

So here I am
Looking pretty for you
They come and go
No one else here will do
So I'm dancing alone
Dreaming solo
'Cause your love's the one worth waiting for
It's just like heaven