I Tanked It

I'll pick up where I left off the Lane conversation. It's very long, so that's why I'm pasting it, and it's a little bit tedious in some areas, so I apologize.

So at this point, we stopped talking for a while, because I was really pissed. I mean, he just brought up some chick he's told me about before, who he very briefly dated, not even in a committed relationship, and she ended things because she took a job in Australia, and apparently he's disappointed he wasn't given the option to continue the relationship. WTF?! Like, I'm sitting here pouring my heart out, and he says he likes me, and he's not against long distance relationships, he just doesn't want that with me. Ouch. So I start to get mad, and I know I should just leave it be, and not say anything else, but I just couldn't. I'm not going to paste what I said, because it's a bit embarrassing, but I'll give you the gist. 

I asked him if he noticed any parallels between that situation and this one, and why the fuck he would even bring that up in this conversation. And he basically was like, "If you're saying you want me to ask you to move to LA so that you can say no, I'm not gonna do that."

Again, WTF?!?! Which is what I said, exactly. Like WHY would I want him to even ask me to move there if I was just gonna say no?! And he was like, "Uh duh, I wouldn't." ((Sigh))

Then it all just kinda hit me. As many boxes as he checks for me on paper, he's immature, and very self-involved right now. And that's...ok. It is, because he's 26, and basically in the same spot I was in at his age, but clearly, he is not what I'm looking for right now. He could be, in a few years, who knows? But he's been using me as his...emotional cheerleader, every time he feels shitty about himself, or lost and confused in his life, and I've been letting him, and forming this false sense of...intimacy because of that. But really, we never talk about me. Everything is always about him. And that's not ok. It's not ok in a romantic relationship, and it's not ok in a friendship. And that's why I think I did what I did. I think I tanked it on purpose. Because at least now I know it's done, and it's not going to happen, not even in my WILDEST FUCKING DREAMS, and the only person I have to blame for that, basically, is myself. And I can live with that. 

So I'm quitting him, cold turkey. It's not going to be easy. He's already texted me once today, and frankly, I'm quite surprised he did after how crazy I was last night. Lol. He asked me some innocuous question about an improv troupe Sophie and I used to like. I didn't respond. And I don't plan on it. 

I'm officially moving on.

AAA: Austin, Alcohol, and Anxiety

Ughhhh I started typing this last night, and then got into a long, trainwreck of a conversation with Lane, which I will blog about next time. Gonna finish this one first.

This will probably be brief, because I really just wanna veg out and watch tv right now, but I figured I should hurry up and write this before I forget. So day number 1 in Austin was great. Kevin was a little too touchy/feely for my comfort level, but it was his birthday, so I let it slide. He just kept giving me kisses. We had a connecting flight in Houston with a little bit of a layover, so he bought us drinks lol. Then we got the puddle jumper to Austin and headed to the hotel. It was like 10am, but they let us check in early, so that was lucky. Then we grabbed an Uber and headed to South Congress, where we ended up at a really good Tex Mex place. We sat at the bar, did a couple tequila shots, drank margs and ate chips & queso and just talked. The alcohol helped, of course, cuz I was feeling more comfortable with him once I was buzzed. But the PDA thing was starting to get out of hand. So eventually I had to say something. I just sorta mentioned that PDA isn't really my thing, and he shouldn't take it personally. But apparently, my opinions on the subject didn't seem to matter, because he just kept doing it. But we also kept getting drunker, so my tolerance for his behavior was going up instead of down. We met up with my cousin, Lexi, that night. She's in her last semester at UT. And that was perfect, because we were at this bar, where Kevin had friends from NOLA, and I didn't know them, so with Lexi there, I had someone to talk to and hang with. We were out on 6th street, surprisingly, for most of the night. It was just so crazy being back there after all these years. I felt really old lol. But all in all we had a really good time. I did tell Lexi about how the PDA thing was bugging me, and it was just kind of...TOO MUCH, and was like, "Yea, I can sorta tell."
I don't remember the ride back to the hotel, but I was nervous about him trying something. As luck would have it though, he passed out immediately with all his clothes and shoes on lol. So I just got ready for bed at my leisure and went to sleep unharassed.
Friday morning was brutal. I didn't sleep well at all the night before, I kept having insane dreams that were startling me awake and then I woke up super early with a really bad anxiety attack, which happens when I drink. So I got up, took a Xanax and went back to bed. I was finally sleeping well when Kevin woke me up and said he had a couple friends who wanted to meet up for lunch, and we needed to get ready to go.
Now I am NOT a morning person, and I don't like being rushed. I like to take my time, drink my coffee and not talk to anyone. But here Kevin is being all chipper and pestering me to hurry up and get ready, and I felt absolutely awful. Anxiety in full swing. Surprisingly, I didn't feel hungover, but maybe that's just because the anxiety was taking over all my senses. While I was still asleep, I had gotten a text from Lane about a dream he had. I'll paste.

We sorta kept chatting on and off throughout the next couple days, not about anything relevant really. Just small talk.

Well we finally got out of the hotel and went to meet Kevin's friends, which were these 2 Australian guys on a 6 week trip across the US. He met them at his bar too, like the day after he met me lol. But they were pretty cool. Only thing is, when they met us at the restaurant, I just couldn't deal. When I'm having a full blown anxiety attack, all I wanna do is be alone, and curl up in a ball somewhere. I can't socialize, I can't go anywhere, I just CAN'T. I can't with anything. And that's how I was feeling. I was also really super tired. So I think those Aussies got a really bad first impression of me. And of course, Kevin kept rubbing my knee under the table, and trying to kiss me on the cheek and stuff...((Sigh)) After we ate, I convinced Kevin that I just needed a nap, and I'd meet them back up afterwards. So I went back to the hotel, and couldn't have been more relieved. I took another Xanax and got in bed. I was in and out for a couple hours. When I woke up I had texts from Izzie wanting to make plans for dinner, and I filled her in on my anxiety situation. She was sympathetic, and talked to me for a bit, so that helped. After a while, I started feeling better, and actually felt a bit bored. So I toyed with the idea of getting up and going back out to meet the guys. Then Kevin called and told me they were playing shuffleboard at this place we'd been at the night before, and he missed me and blabla. Then he says, "My friends think you don't like me that much." And I was like, "Damn those perceptive fuckers!" to myself of course, lol. What I actually said was, "Dude, I can't really explain this very well to you, but I was having bad anxiety this morning, and I've told you multiple times that I don't like PDA. And since when are you gonna let these 2 dudes dictate my feelings?" And he was like, "Ok, you're right."

Lane was texting me again, because I told him I was in Austin, and how our flight was at 7am the next morning. He suggested I just ride it out and not sleep, which is something you could conceivably do in NOLA, cuz some of the bars never close, but not in Austin. Then I ended up telling him the situation with Kevin.

Note that the drugs he's referring to is some pot Kevin got from some random guy the night before. I didn't participate in that though. Lane didn't respond after that, so I got up and ralleyed. I felt tons better by the time I got there, physically, but now I felt like I had to be extra affectionate with Kevin or those dudes were gonna say something. ((eye roll)) I wasn't though. I was just normal. Truthfully, I think he's a really nice guy, but just too much for me right now. And being on that trip with him just made me think about Lane, constantly, and reminded me that I'm not over him. As much as I tried to distract myself, I was texting him the whole weekend, and trying to force something that just wasn't meant to be with Kevin. Maybe if Kevin and I had met 2 months from now... I don't know. But it was starting to really bother me that he was completely disregarding my feelings on the subject of PDA, and we ended up getting in a bit of an argument when we got back to the hotel around 12:30 that night. We didn't stay out late cuz our flight Saturday was was so early. FML. 

So we had just gotten out of the Uber and he's grabbing my ass and saying, "Why won't you kiss me?" And I'd just had it! Finally! 

I pushed him away and I was like, "Look. I've been telling you this for the past 2 days, and you just don't seem to be listening. This is all too much. It's too much! We don't know each other! I mean I came here to have a good time, and we did, and that's great, but this is probably the most impulsive thing I've ever done. And we still don't know each other. And I'm just not comfortable being like that with you and you keep pushing it! It's just too much too soon. And whatever I say, I can't win, because you'll probably be mad."

And he was like, "No, I'm not mad. That's cool, I get it. I'm sorry." But of course, he looked upset. ((sigh)). So the elevator ride back up to the hotel was awkward, I went in the bathroom, closed the door and got ready for bed, and when I came out, he was already basically asleep. I set the alarm and went to bed. 

When I got up (at fucking 5:45am), I had a response from Lane. It seemed slightly encouraging, although he was probably drunk when he typed it, but I wrote back. Then nothing.

The flights home went by pretty quickly cuz we both slept through them. And when Kevin's roommate picked us up from the airport, I just kept thinking, Almost there. Almost there, as I fantasized about being alone and in my bed with my furbabies. Then finally I was home, and I just slept. ((Sigh)) Alone at last.

UpDATE

Well the date with Kevin tonight went well, all things considered. It was a little awkward initially because we were both so aware of the fact that we hardly know each other, and we're about to spend like 48 nonstop hours together. Oh, and cuz we were both sober lol. But he is pretty easy to talk to, and very sweet and gentlemanly. I will just be a bit relieved once we get passed this "I still don't know you stage".
That's what was so nice about Lane. I really do know him! And I didn't have to worry about it being awkward or uncomfortable when we were together. ((Sigh)) I still think about him a lot. I miss him. I miss our late night FaceTime's and our text conversations that went on for days. I miss just being able to ask him anything about anything and not feel weird about it. Now it's like the opposite of that. I feel like if I reach out to him, or try to put things back the way they were before he came here, it will make me seem desperate and lonely. I know I need to stop agonizing over this and move on, but I care about him a lot. And I can stop talking to him and try to put him out of my mind and go on trips with other guys but...he's still there, in the back of my mind, just waiting until I let my guard down to resurface. And the idea of being intimate with someone else so soon after him feels...wrong. It feels like I'm not ready. Which is true, I'm not. I don't want to rush into sex with the next person, whoever that may be.

Am I Crazy, Or What?

First thing's first. I deleted Tinder. NO MORE TINDER. Ugh. Anyway...

Yesterday afternoon, after work, I met my friend Lauren at this bar cuz she wanted to watch the Broncos game. She was hoping this guy she likes would meet her there, but had a feeling he would cancel and she didn't wanna go alone. I wasn't really that interested in the game, but I had nothing else going on so I figured what the hell! We were 2 of only 4 people that were there at the time, lol, but Lauren knows all the bartenders that work there because she used to hang out there so much. So we hung out, watched the game, and had a couple beers. Right around the time the game ended, the bartenders had a shift change, and a new guy came on. Kevin. And he was HOT. 6'4", nice smile, beautiful creamed coffee skin. He's black, and I've never actually dated a black guy. Not because I haven't wanted to, I just...never have! Although there was that one brief makeout sesh I had with the DJ who worked at my bar in Chicago...lol. Anyway, shortly after he got there, Kevin gave us a round of shots. Then Lauren heard from her dude, and he was asking her to come over. So she wanted to leave! I begged to her to stay, because after taking that shot, I was in no fit state to drive, and of course, I didn't want her to leave me alone at this bar! But Kevin said he'd keep me company, so Lauren left and I stayed. I texted my roommate, Jenn, and told her to take the ferry over and meet us, hoping she could drive us home in my car. So Kevin gave me another shot and we chatted and hung out till Jenn arrived. The night went on basically like that for a while, and then Kevin starts talking about how his birthday is this week and he's going to Austin. And I was like, "Oh!  That's so awesome, I love Austin!" And he was like, "Yea, I've never been. You wanna come?" And I was like, "Uhhhh...what?" And I'm like really buzzed at this point, and of course Kevin and I have been flirting, but that was just very unexpected. Well then he says if I come with him, he'll buy my plane ticket. And Jenn is like "Just go! What else do you have going on?" And I'm like, "Well...let me check with my boss." So I texted him asking him what are the chances I could have a couple days off this weekend, and he said, "Do what you wanna do." 

So then Kevin comes back from the other end of the bar where he was helping people, and he's like, "Well, what did your boss say?" And I told him, and he was like, "Sweet, let's book it!" And he did!!

He bought me a plane ticket right then and there on his phone behind the bar. I still kinda can't believe it. Well then I went to bathroom, and I guess Jenn was talking to him about me, cuz when I came back, she told me he asked her all kinds of questions about me like, "Is she real? There has to be SOMETHING wrong with her! Why is she single?"

And she told him I don't hit the bar scene much, and I don't meet a lot of people cuz of my job, and that if he's just looking for a one night stand type thing, then he should look elsewhere. I'm SO glad she told him that too, cuz I am gonna be traveling and staying in a hotel with a guy I BARELY know, and I don't wanna hook up with him just to hook up with him. I wanna get to know him, and see if the chemistry we have could be more than just physical attraction. But she said he responded positively to that, and that he's not looking for just a hookup.

Throughout the night, Kevin kept taking my hands and holding them from across the bar, and randomly kissing me on the cheek. And he kept telling me my eyes were mesmerizing. 😍I don't do so well with compliments. I never know how to respond! I'm pretty sure I just blushed. But he was acting really into me, and I'm just not used to that I guess. It almost makes me uncomfortable.

After a while, Jenn got bored cuz she wasn't really drinking, since she had to be the D.D. (which she wasn't thrilled about. She kept saying I lured her there under false pretenses lol.) So I asked Kevin if we could close our tab, but he refused to let us pay for anything. Then he came out from behind the bar to hug me goodbye, and he kissed me! On the lips! Not like a makeout kiss, just a short, tender one, on the lips. It was nice! And he's sooooo tallllll I LOVE IT. Then he said he'd like to get together this week before we leave for Austin, which of course, I agreed was a good idea. So he wants to take me out to dinner tomorrow night!

This morning, he even texted me, first thing: Good morning pretty lady. Happy Monday 😘

I'm still a little freaked out that I did something so impulsive. I mean it's great to be spontaneous, and I told myself I was gonna go out and do more things, but...I'm just so surprised at myself! He's like a complete stranger! If it wasn't for the fact that Lauren has known him for years, and she told me he's a really good guy, then I never would have agreed to it. But, everything happens for a reason, right?? I'll keep you posted on our date tomorrow night. Wish me luck!