I Have a Plan

Things are starting to feel more normal for me. Partly because I'm back on my anxiety meds, which I stopped taking when Lane was here because of all the boozing we were doing, and partly because the sun is out and shining again. We had several weeks of dreary, rainy weather, and I think I suffer a bit from seasonal depression. So sunshine helps. But mainly, I think it's because things seem back to normal with Lane and I. We are talking regularly again, just like we used to. So yes, I was probably just doing what I always do and overanalyzing/overreacting.
But I've also done a lot of thinking. I started asking myself those hard questions some of you mentioned. Why am I unhappy? What do I think would make me happy? How do I go about doing the things that will make me happy?
A lot of that revolved around Lane, but a lot of it revolves around just me, obviously. I feel stuck. Like I haven't accomplished much in the last year, which is rubbish really, because I know that I have accomplished a lot photography-wise. But it isn't enough. I want to be better. I want to be more desireable to a company. And of course, I need to be more stable financially. I don't want to pull away from things due to fear. I talked with Izzie a lot about the Lane situation too, and we got way ahead of ourselves of course, but she said that's important for women to do. To think way ahead. And maybe she's right! Who knows. What I do know is that my plan is to try to go to visit Lane in March, around Spring Break cuz he should have time off from the university he works at. And if things are still going well at that point between us and we haven't lost touch, and all the chemistry and feelings are still there, then I will talk to him about dating/living in the same city. And see what he says.
I was freaking out about the idea before because initially it was like, Well I have to tell him how I feel, and see if he's into it. And then we'd have to get over the obstacle of living in different states. And that got me thinking about moving to California and how expensive it is and, What would I do there? And how would I afford to move? And where would I live? Etc. etc... And those questions were just swimming around and around in my head, and I kept checking myself like, WHY are you even worrying about this?! This is all conjecture! But then I thought, You know what, I wanna know if I can do this. I'm gonna do some research. So I did! And I can do it. I know a guy in the photo circuit there who could put me in touch with some publications, and in the meantime, there are tons of well-paying real estate photo gigs. I have plenty of experience in that. And I could always bartend until I got on my feet. There's also a couple affordable neighborhoods right outside of LA, I'd just need a roommate or 2. No big deal. The biggest obstacle, I think, would be finding a place that allows both my pets. But it's doable.
So I have a plan. Sort of. And step one of that plan is to just play it cool with Lane, not say anything to him just yet about my feelings, just...maintain the relationship, see if it grows, and plan a visit.
We've been talking the past 2 days about our respective futures, career-wise. And both of us feel kinda stuck in a rut, and we've been commiserating/offering each other advice. And we both agree that we need to step out of our comfort zones a bit, and not be afraid to make big/strange/uncomfortable life moves. And for me, that could mean going to California, who knows! I know he's mostly concerned with his career, but I know what I wanna do. That isn't the thing that's missing in my life. But at least after that conversation, maybe the idea of me moving there won't come as a huge shock to him should I suggest it.

Lovesick

I'm still waffling about what to do about Lane. So far, I haven't done anything really, but I already have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach like he's pulling away from me. He hasn't been as engaged via text as he usually is. He takes a while to respond, and doesn't really seem chatty. So I've just been playing it cool. I don't really have a point to this post, other than I can't stop thinking about him, and I don't know what else to do about it.

Reflections...

I just slept for 20.5 hours. I woke up last night for like 1 hour, wrote my last post and attempted to watch TV, but instead I just cried fell back asleep. I think I woke up and cried maybe 2 more times, and just now I got out of bed for the first time. ((Sigh)) I'm depressed. Or I'm recovering from a 3 day bender and maybe I'll snap out of it? Ugh, that's definitely wishful thinking. I know I need to talk to Lane. I have to. But maybe I just cool it for a while with him and see what happens. Or maybe I text him tomorrow and tell him he forgot something at my house and he when he asks what, I tell him he forgot me. Lol. I've already looked at plane tickets to LA for the end of this month, and I can definitely afford to buy one. Just for a weekend. But is it too soon to talk about going there for a visit? It wouldn't be the same as him coming here, because I don't know anyone else in LA. He has a cousin and a good friend who live here, so we didn't spend every waking moment together during this trip. There was time apart, which was kind of nice, cuz I could shower and get ready and sleep and whatever while he did his own thing.
Things keep coming back to me that he said. Like on NYE, we went out with a group, my friends and him and his cousin, to one of those all-inclusive things. But it ended at 1, so we went to a dive bar after that, and in the end, it was just Lane and I left. And he brought up the first time we dated, in Chicago. And he said, "You know, when we were hanging out back then, and you said I started to get weird, and we quit talking, I was just a kid then. I mean I was 22. I had just gotten out of college, and been dumped by this girl like a month before I met you. So really I was just a kid."
And it's true, and partly I knew that and partly I didn't, but why did he bring that up? I don't know. What I do know is that he's 26 now, and I'm 31. And while it doesn't feel like a huge gap, in some ways, it is, because I can't really see how a 26 year old person could have had enough experiences to know when something is really REAL. And I feel like it's real with him. I've dated a lot of douche bags, mostly for shallow reasons, and yea they were hot, but we never had much in common intellectually, or personality-wise, and of course none of them worked out in the end. And now I've been single for so long, and tried to focus on me, and what I want, and it's changed me as a person. It's changed the way I look at dating, and relationships, and even marriage.
He also said something to me about that in the same conversation. I can't remember exactly what, just that he said he's noticed how people in our age range tend to get into relationships and even if they're unhappy, or uncertain, they feel like marriage/kids/whatever is what they're SUPPOSED to do, so they do it. And he said I'm different in that way, and he likes and respects that. Ugh, I just feel like we understand each other on a level that I've never felt before. We connect. But I don't know if it's possible for him to be where I'm at. I don't know if he's ready for a serious commitment.
I'm willing to entertain the idea of pursuing this with him, despite all the odds, because I think it's worth it. I know it would be difficult, impossibly so maybe, and it could end badly, but I still think if we don't try, I would regret it. And I wish so badly I could tell him all this, but since we have basically avoided any talk of feelings whatsoever, I'm worried he might think it's all completely out of left field and be overwhelmed and run.
So do I say nothing yet, and let it all sink in for him a bit? Do I go visit him and we have another great weekend? And then maybe he starts coming round to the idea on his own?
Or do I bit the bullet and bring it up on the phone this week, and just hope he's open to the idea. Because if he's not, it's over. All of it. The thrice weekly FaceTime calls, the texting, and the amazing conversation, the feeling of having a kindred spirit that's a friendship with the possibility of more. All of it will be gone. And I will be devastated.

Happy New Year...I Hope

The past few days were a total whirlwind...of fun, of romance, of a happiness and satisfaction I had almost forgotten I could even feel. And even though I know I should feel grateful and happy about that experience, all I feel now is the most profound sense of loss and sadness because that time is over now, and he's gone. It was just so wonderful to feel a part of something that wasn't just me. To be not alone. But having experienced that after so long, has just made my sense of loneliness now even more acute. I just feel so full of all the things I wish I had done or said. And I'm worried that I may always wonder what could have been. A part of me, in the back of my mind, thinks I might be in love with him, but that's too terrifying to admit, and the fact that I don't really know how he feels about me, just makes everything all the more confusing. The truth is, that despite the odds, and the distance between us, in age and geography, I would be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. At least to give it a shot. I was uncertain of that before, but now I know. I'm just so scared to tell him how I feel, because I know that in taking that plunge, I have to be prepared to hear the response I don't want. And that would break my heart. And for the sake of myself, I'd have to take a huge step back from all this. Maybe not talk to him at all, which would be nearly impossible, and also could mean would I be losing a great friendship.
I feel so stupid and naive, because I knew this would likely not end well. It's dangerous to look forward to something so much, knowing it's only fleeting. I knew that I should keep my feelings out of it, but I couldn't do that, and this is all on me. I'm such a fool.
Sophie says I should talk to him. I talked with her about it this morning, as I was crying on my way home from dropping Lane at the airport. She said, "Well, you can see a way that it would work and you obviously want that, so you should tell him. Otherwise you're just allowing yourself to be in this limbo because you're afraid of not getting what you want so you're willing to settle for whatever he's willing to give. And investing a lot into it and then feeling this way. You can speculate all you want, but you won't know anything real unless you talk to him."

I know she's right, I have to talk to him. But he's actually in the air right now, and I think I'm gonna give it a couple days. Neither of us had much sleep in the last 3 days, and there was a lot of alcohol and sex happening, which can leave anyone feeling pretty raw. Like coming down from a 3 day high. It's rough. And I don't think I'm capable of keeping my emotions in check right now, since all I've been doing is intermittently crying and sleeping all day.
I'm worried for myself about what this could possibly do to me. When did I become such a fragile person, that 3 days with one guy could transform me from a relatively stable, not necessarily happy, but...comfortable just being single person, to a total love-sick train wreck?