Cold Feet

I broke up with BJ.
I just...couldn't do it. I mean...all those feelings I had initially, those reservations? They weren't going away! Just the opposite in fact; they were intensifying! And I didn't want to drag things out, so I just...ended it.
It all started when he invited me to go to a wedding in September!

"What!?" I said, "That's like...6 months away!?"
"So what? It's in Louisiana and my whole family is gonna be there." He said.
"Yea but...we might not even still be together in 6 months!" I spluttered.
"I wouldn't be with you now if I didn't plan on still being with you in 6 months." He answered matter-of-factly.

I was pretty much speechless. And that whole conversation just got me thinking...he's in this so much more than I am!
I'm not being fair to him, and I'm wasting his time, leading him into this false sense of...I don't even know!
I mean there was always the issue with his height that bothered me, and ladies...at the risk of sounding shallow, I have to say it. His, um...member. It was minuscule. To the point where it was like, why even bother having sex?
Yes.
That bad.
And I discussed the issue with Melissa because I mean...what do you do in that situation!? It's not like he can help how tall he is, or how small his penis is! Those things about him are never going to change. And I knew that those were both things I wasn't going to be able to deal with forever.

So anyways, when I talked to him I just said that we were in 2 different places in our relationship. And he likes to plan things, and I don't! And I admitted that I was a little freaked out about the wedding invite 6 months in advance. And basically what it boils down to, is I'm not ready to be in a relationship.
I didn't wanna tell him that basically, I just wanted to have fun, but didn't see a future with us. Because that would be incredibly cruel and heartless. But I still told him the truth.
I definitely wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I've really come into my own this past year, being single. And I like my freedom. And I like having options. And as silly and naive as it may sound...I'm still waiting for Mr. Wonderful! He's gotta be out there somewhere right?? Not necessarily the man of my dreams or anything, but at least a guy who I could see a future with.

Needless to say, BJ didn't take the news well at all. In fact, he acted very immaturely. He pretty much told me "fuck you, I'm deleting your phone number, and I never wanna talk to you again." I responded that I'm sorry for hurting him, but I didn't think I was being fair to him, and I just wanted to be honest with him. And that I will always care about him.
What sucks is, I originally myspaced him to get my friend back. And now I'm back where I started, because he definitely doesn't wanna be my friend.
((sigh))

One thing I am certain of, is that I did the right thing. We were only together for what? Two weeks? He will get over me quickly and move on. And at least this way it didn't end in a huge, violent blow out. But still, no matter how it happens, breakups are always so taxing. I mean it took a lot out of me to have that conversation, and it hurt to hurt him. I never wanted that. In the future I'm going to have to consider the consequences of my decisions more carefully.

Demetri Of The Day:
“I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don’t have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said ‘JETS?’”