Finally Getting Somewhere

I took the job!

I start Wednesday.

As for everything else...I'm going down to 2 nights a week bartending. Just Friday and Saturday. And Brandon and I are...just friends. Really, actually, just friends. I really don't expect anything, other than friendship. And even though sometimes, I find myself hoping that maybe something could come from us being friends, I'm trying to let it go, and just...move on. And surprisingly, it hasn't been as hard as I was expecting. I still have my breakdown moments, and it's a little weird at work, because I find myself slipping into my old habits of just...completely ignoring him. But then he walks up and starts talking to me, and I have to remind myself that it's ok! ((Sigh))

Anyway, I'm moving on with my life. This new job should be a nice change of pace, and I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere.

The Last Supper

Well...the date didn't exactly go as planned. He showed up late, I could tell he didn't really want to be here, and he was drunk! Not hammered or anything, but buzzed, and obviously under the influence.

And he doesn't want a relationship right now.

It's over.

I don't know why he keeps dragging me through the mud like this. Why would he want to spend time with me, without sex, if he didn't care?? But he flat out told me that he just doesn't care enough to want to be in a relationship with me.

So I don't know what I'm going to do now. ((Sigh))

I've already spent the whole night, crying and kicking myself for letting him do this to me again. I feel like I'm back to where I was 2 months ago. I've accomplished nothing, other than reopening my heart to him, so he could break it all over again. And now I just...don't want to think about it anymore.

My interview yesterday went really well. So well, in fact, that I got a call this morning from my contact (the guy who got me the interview), and he told me they want to offer me the job! They just want to make sure I want the job. And I've been thinking about it, and I think I'm going to take it. I have nothing to lose at this point, and I can only move upwards from here, so why not? When I spoke to him, he asked me what I thought, and I said I was surprised! I mean, I went into it knowing I was the least qualified, and I honestly didn't expect them to offer me the job. So I said I needed a couple days to think about it, and he said no problem, to call him back this weekend.

I called my mom and talked to her, and a couple of my friends, and I think this job will be a good opportunity for me. So...hopefully it's still available. I definitely need to make that call soon.

First Interview

Well, I finally said something to Brandon. I just couldn't take it anymore! I called him last night, I was a little tipsy, so the liquid courage might have had something to do with it. And I asked him what was going on, and if he'd changed his mind about us. And he said no, he's just been doing his own thing. And so have I. Which is what I told him. I just said that I wanted to make sure he wasn't having second thoughts, because I wasn't sure he'd tell me if that was the case, and I just don't wanna invest anything more into this for nothing. He said he hasn't changed his mind, he's just been busy, and that was that! Short, sweet, and to the point. Although I'm totally not buying the "I've been busy" excuse. He's pushing me away, which I knew. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't something more serious. We talked for about 15 minutes after that, and yes, we're still on for dinner tomorrow night. I decided on a salmon dish, with pasta and basil cream sauce. I'm excited! I did all my shopping today, so I'm prepared!

Tomorrow morning is my dreaded interview. Not only is it going to be pouring down rain tomorrow morning, but the commute is probably gonna be like an hour! Which means I'm gonna have to leave at like 7am. Ugh... I don't even know if I'm gonna be able to get to sleep tonight! My usual bedtime is somewhere around 4am! ((Sigh)) I'll just be so glad when this is over.

I was invited to a pumpkin carving party Wednesday night, and Summer, Ben, Taryn and Ali, and a bunch of my other friends are gonna be there. I'm looking forward to it. It's my night off! I'm also supposed to go to dinner with Law School sometime this week. He got a new job, apparently, and we haven't hung out in a while, so he said he wants to catch up. And he's buying! So I told him, definitely. I was thinking about inviting him to the pumpkin party, and maybe we could grab dinner beforehand. But I dunno, that might be too...date-like. Or maybe I'm just being ridiculous. We'll see.

Well, I guess I should be getting to bed. Argh. I'm going to sleep with my fingers crossed!

Date Number 2!

We're on for Tuesday night!!

Brandon and I talked last night after work, I was in the back bar, and he was in the front. So we didn't really see much of each other during the shift, but it's probably better than way. So we talked after work, and flirted a little, and I asked him what he was doing Tuesday, and he said nothing, so I invited him over for dinner! And he said yes!

When I got home, he sent me a text that said, "Good night Peyton. Have fun tomorrow!"

Emma and I went to the Renaissance Festival today. It was really fun, but I'm totally exhausted now from my lack of sleep. And I can't stop thinking about my interview Tuesday. I'm really nervous! Tuesday is gonna be a real busy day. I have the interview at 8am, then a wax at 2:30, then work at 6, then dinner with Brandon. I told him I probably wouldn't get off work till 10 or 11, so it would be a late dinner. Now I just have to figure out what I'm gonna make! I'm thinking something French... But obviously it's gotta be something kinda easy and/or quick to make. Any ideas?

Prospects

Things with Brandon and I are still not on solid ground, but he hasn't stopped texting me. So...maybe he just needs some space. And I've been giving it to him! He mentioned that he's got a lot of stuff going on this weekend, so I'm just gonna see how it goes at work tonight. I've been back a week already, so things should have calmed down by now.

Wednesday and Thursday night, I went out with Summer, Ben, Mark and Cailee. And of course, we had a total blast! Tonight and tomorrow night I'm working, and Sunday, I'm going to the Renaissance Festival with Emma, Bethany and Tug! So I'm really looking forward to that. Plus, I'll have an excuse to wear my dress from Sophie's wedding! I can't wait.

Tuesday, I have an interview! It's at 8am, which really sucks, but it's for a project coordinator position out by InterContinental Airport. Something to do with security systems. Jayme's dad hooked me up with the interview, which is awesome, because according to him, I'm the least qualified out of all their prospects. But I'm what they call a "fresh out", which is a college graduate with basically no experience, but a hard worker and fast learner. Even if I don't get the job, at least I'll get the interview experience. I just need to go out and buy something to wear! Ugh... I'm nervous!!

I'm planning on inviting Brandon over for dinner Tuesday night. I'm gonna cook for him this time. Of course, I haven't asked him yet, but I'm gonna wait till Sunday, cuz I wanna see how tonight and tomorrow go. He's playing golf today, and I don't wanna text or call him. So...I dunno. I just really need to talk to him, face to face. It's always better that way. And hopefully we can get back on track. ((Sigh))

If all goes as planned, Tuesday will be a very busy day!! So wish me luck...with everything!

Getting Readjusted

Ok, so I've talked to some of my friends, and I've been reading all your comments, and you're right. I'm being...over critical and paranoid. It's just...hard for me. Because I feel like, we're back right where we used to be! ((Sigh)) I mean, working together. Except the dynamic has changed, and it's just...weird. I'm not used to it.

And he really has been strangely distant the past couple days. But finally today, I feel like he's...starting to get over it. I mean, two and half days of not talking at all, I was starting to wonder.

So I sent him a text around 6:30 that just said, "Hey, you wanna hang out tonight?"

About 15 minutes later, he finally responded.

"I can't, I have to work."

"Ok. Have a good night then." I said.

I figured, better to keep it short and sweet, and not act...disappointed. So I went to my piano lesson, and did a few things.

Then I sent him another text.

"Are you doing sound for the game?"

"Yea."

"Well what are you gonna do when you get off?"

"Go home."

"Well why don't you come over?"

"I don't wanna be out late. I have a lot of things to do tomorrow morning before I have to play golf in the afternoon."

"Fine." I replied.

((Sigh))

I took a chance, put myself out there, invited him over, and he shot me down. He's pushing me away again! I almost said something else but I figured, what's the point? Sometimes he just gets in these unresponsive moods, and there's just no talking to him. So I decided to just give him space.

"Sorry." He replied.

I didn't respond.

A few minutes later, he texted me again.

"How was your day today?"

Finally, we're getting somewhere!

I waited a while before I wrote back. And I made sure to make my day seem great.

We had a short chat via text after that. So I guess the situation isn't completely hopeless.

My dad finally came over to fix my car this evening. And after he replaced the alternator, which took like....2 hours, he figured out that wasn't even the problem! Ugh... I need a new air conditioning fan. That's what was making all the weird noises. So he disconnected it for now, and he has to order me a new one. ((Sigh)) At least the weather is nice!

I'm crossing my fingers that I hear from Brandon tomorrow. Wednesday would have been our one year anniversary. And I was really hoping we'd be able to do something together that night. Even though he probably doesn't know it's our would-be one year anniversary. :/ But he has to work Wednesday night. And Wednesday is also my mom's birthday, so I'm just gonna go over to my parent's house. Well, I'm gonna put on my PJ's and watch some Cold Case. Wish me luck with Brandon! I'm definitely gonna need it.

First Night

Last night, work was great! It was so good to be back, and everything just felt...in it's place. It was like riding a bike. A little surreal at first, but things are as they should be.

The only problem?

Brandon.

((Sigh))

I mean, he was just acting so...strange and distant towards me. And when I asked him about it, he said I'm over analyzing things, and that he doesn't chat at work, he works. And he doesn't talk to anyone else any less, or any more than he talks to me. So, maybe I am just over analyzing things, because I'm hyper-aware of my situation, and us, and I don't want things to go back to the way they were, I want them to be better! So I told him that yea, I may be over analyzing, but with good reason. And he said there's nothing to worry about. So, I'm just gonna try to let it go, and not pay so much attention to him.

It just feels...like there's something he's not telling me. I dunno. But I'm determined to get to the bottom of it!

I work again today at 6, and he'll be there too, so we'll see. I'm hoping maybe he and I can get together tonight, and hang out. Then maybe we can talk with out the pressures of the work environment.

But everything else is good! We were busy, and we made decent money, and I had fun! I almost forgot what it feels like to look forward to going to work. I called Summer this morning and asked her if anyone said anything last night about me not showing up for my shift. She just said that the GM asked if I had told anyone that I wouldn't be coming in, and she told him no. Well! At least he actually had to work for his money for once! Because, since I wasn't there, he had to fill in. Haha!

Anyways, I guess I don't have much else to write about. My car is still on the fritz. And my parents should be home tonight, so hopefully my dad can put in the new alternator tomorrow afternoon.

Well...that's all for now!

Car Trouble...

So yesterday, I got in my car, to go meet the gang for dinner and...nothing. My car wouldn't start! The battery was dead. Which, was really weird since I hadn't left any lights on or anything, and my car was totally fine the day before. So Ben came over to give me a jump, and still...a no go. It sputtered a little bit, but wouldn't completely start. My battery was just completely drained. Which means, I need a new one. So I just gave up on my car for the day, and Ben drove me over to the restaurant. Summer promised to give me a ride home from work. We ate, drank, and were merry, and then I went to work, for my last night! It wasn't very busy, and I was almost sad to go, but not really. I mean, I'm still gonna see all my girls, and I'm still gonna go out to dinner with them on Fridays and Saturdays.

So today, Bethany and Tug picked me up a new battery and drove it over. Then Tug installed it for me, while Bethany and I watched. :)

And, voila! My car started. And then...it started making these horrible whining and screeching sounds. ((Sigh))

"It sounds like metal grinding somewhere. It's probably your alternator." Tug said.

"Great... Well I obviously can't drive it." I said, dismayed.

"Well, you can borrow my truck if you want. I mean, I got my motorcycle, and Bethany and I can carpool if we need to." Tug offered.

"Really?? That would be so awesome, thanks!" I said.

So I rode back with them to their place to pick up Tug's truck...which is huge, and I'm totally not used to driving something so big. But I'll deal. I really owe Bethany and Tug, too. I feel like I should take them out to dinner or something! I mean, they really saved me. Normally, my Dad, who is a total grease monkey, would come over and have it fixed in a couple of hours, but my parents are out of town for the weekend, so I'm on my own. I dunno what I would have done if Tug didn't offer to let me borrow his truck!

So anyways, I'm pretty bummed about my car, cuz that means I have yet another bill to worry about. But I'm excited about tonight! It's my first night back at the old job, with Brandon. So we'll see how that goes... But I know it's gonna be fun. It'll just be so nice to be back.

Mr. S. called me the other day to confirm my schedule.

"Welcome back, bitch!" He said before he hung up the phone. Lol.

So I'll be sure to keep you guys updated.

Brandon called me yesterday when he got home from his trip with his dad. I was in the car with Ben at the time, so I couldn't really talk to him for long, but I was glad he called. Because I didn't call or text him the whole time he was gone! So that means he was obviously thinking about me. :)

Well, I guess that's all for now! I'm looking forward to work, for the first time in a long time, and it's a beautiful day! I just wish my car was working!

Back To Normal...Almost

Well...I got my old job back! Mr. P. called me Monday morning, and I'm scheduled to work this weekend! It's such a relief...seriously. I also started training at the gym with Jayme. She's super fit, and she's a spokesmodel for some protein bar company. She just got her personal trainer's license, and she offered to train me for free! She said she wants to get some experience. Yesterday we did cardio and abs, and it totally kicked my ass! But in a good way! I felt really great afterwards.

Last night, Brandon came over and spent the night. Again, no funny business, although he did give me a little peck on the lips when he left this morning. And it definitely caught me off guard. I talked to him about me coming back to work, and told him I didn't want things to be like they were before. He said he'll try not to ignore me when we're counting money, and that things won't be like before. So far so good!

Today, I had an interview at a staffing agency. I figured it couldn't hurt to get my resume out there, and they can definitely help me with the networking part. ((Sigh)) I'm so exhausted right now. I'm dog sitting, and Jasper kept me up all night howling and goofing off with Chewy, then I had to get up early for a dentist appointment, after no sleep. Then I had to go to the interview, and I was supposed to go meet Jayme at the gym at 4, but I didn't get out of my interview till 4:30, so she said we can just pick back up tomorrow. Which is good, because I have a piano lesson at 7, and that is just wayyyy too many things for one day! I'm totally beat!

Brandon left for a golfing trip with his Dad this morning. He got up and left my apartment at like 7:30am! But they're just going to Corpus, and he'll be back tomorrow for work. I start back at my old job on Saturday, so tomorrow night will be my last night at the country bar! And boy am I glad about that!! I ought to raise a stink at the end of the night. Ugh.

I met with my lawyer yesterday, to give him some info, and tell him everything that's going on over there. He said, most likely, we'll settle, and I'll get a couple thousand dollars as compensation for my lost wages. :D I can always use a couple thousand dollars! Especially now, since I only worked one day last week and I spent the last of my cash on my teeth cleaning this morning. ((Sigh))

Well, I gotta go get some practicing in before my piano lesson tonight! Just wanted to give you guys a little update!

New Horizons

Well, our dinner date was definitely still on. Brandon just had a lot of stuff going on during the day. As for his drinking Saturday night, he told me he just had a really great time at the wedding! And...that's it! So I can't really judge, I mean... I've been known to have a good time and get drunk myself.

So anyways, Brandon came over around 8:30, groceries in tow, and he got right down to business! He made pasta with a homemade meat sauce, complete with ground turkey, fresh mushrooms and tomatoes, and spices. It was soooo good! We also had garlic croissants, and for dessert, he brought over Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Buns, which is now my favorite ice cream of all time!

After we ate, we settled down on the couch, and watched Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. To be honest, I was surprised he chose that movie, seeing as it's a total chick flick, and it didn't get the greatest ratings. But I love Jennifer Garner, so I still liked it. And it was kind of fitting. I mean, a guy who's afraid of falling in love, realizes he's been wasting his life having fun, and sleeping around... And then one day, he wakes up and realizes what he's truly been missing out on.

After the movie, we went to bed. And we talked.

First, he asked me about my Facebook. He doesn't have a Facebook, and apparently some people have asked him about me, and my status updates. They were pretty depressing at times, I suppose. I assured him that I had never written anything bad about him, and told him he was welcome to look! So I showed it to him. And he read one of my notes. And it was just a note about...being alone. I watched his reaction as he read it, and I could tell he genuinely felt...sad.

"You have alone issues, don't you?" He asked.

"Maybe...but you have commitment issues!" I said.

He sighed.

"Peyton, you're not alone. And no matter what happens between us, I will always be here, if you ever need someone."

He took my hand, and we just laid there, in the dark for a while.

Then we talked about our lives, and what we want. I told him that it's not necessarily a husband I'm searching for, it's companionship. It's not being alone, that I'm afraid of, it's ending up alone. I mean, I see what Sophie and Brent have, and they are like best friends, who do everything together, travel the world... And I want that.

"Aren't you ever afraid of being alone?" I asked him.

"No, but I'm alone all the time."

"No, I mean, don't you want somebody there for you at the end?"

"Well, yea...." He said, "I just...how do you know, when you're ready for that?"

"You just know." I said, and I thought to myself that I know, because as soon as I realized I was tired of this bar industry, and ready to have a real job, and get my own house, that I'm ready to settle down. But that's something Brandon is going to have to figure out on his own.

"Well you'll get that, Peyton. I know you will." He said.

There's just a part of me that really wants that with him. But we have a long way to go. And we're taking it slow. Which is the best thing for right now.

I vented to him a little about my work situation, too. I mean, I feel so stuck!

"You're not stuck." He said.

"Yes, I am! I can't quit, because I don't have enough money saved up right now, and...I have to find another job first! So now I'm looking for not just one job, but two!" I huffed.

"It's all gonna be okay. Just...think positive. Everything will work itself out." He said.

"You sound so sure..." I said.

"Because I am sure." He said.

I rolled over and sighed, and Brandon put his arm around me.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yea. I'm okay." I said.

And we went to sleep, wrapped in each other's arms.

This morning, I got up and made us cinnamon rolls. We ate quickly, and then we both left, cuz I had to take my mom to physical therapy. I sent him a text message after he left that said, "Thanks for dinner! It was really good!"

And he wrote back, "You're welcome. I really enjoyed our time together last night."

:)

After my piano lesson, I went over to Mark's house to meet up with Summer, Ben, and Mike for food and football. Mark makes the most amazing mashed potatoes! And he grilled steaks and asparagus. All in all, a delicious meal, 2 nights in a row! Afterwards, we played pool, and drank wine, and discussed what we're gonna start doing with our Sundays, now that Mark put the boat to rest for the season. We had a cold front come through this week, and next weekend is supposed to be cool as well. So no more boat trips. :(

We have yet to figure out what we're gonna do. Lol.

So, I do have some news on the job front! Mark, from my old job called me today. He asked me if I wanted to come back! And I said, well...yes! But I told him I wasn't sure if Mr. P. and Blinn would go for it. But he said he's gonna talk to them, and he asked me if working with Brandon would be a problem. I told him most likely not, I mean, we're getting along now and trying to be friends. But I also told him I didn't wanna push my luck, and it would probably be best if we didn't work side by side, and he said of course, and that wouldn't be a problem. So now I just have to wait to hear back from him and find out what Blinn and Mr. P. say about it. I have to admit, it would a relief to go back to my old bar. I mean, I really miss everybody, and after going somewhere else, I've realized that they really are good people to work for. Probably the best in the Houston bar industry. So we'll see.

After our conversation, I got to thinking about what it would be like working with Brandon again. And I actually kind of started to freak out. Like...what if it screws everything up?? I mean, things are going so well between us right now, and I don't want us working together to ruin it! And what about the way things were before?? I mean, he used to always ignore me at work, and it drove me crazy. He'd say it was cuz he was at work, and he's serious about work yada yada.... But then when we'd go in the back to count money after work, he'd act...distant, and weird. I just don't want to slip back into our old habits again! And working together, it'll just be so...so much like before! This, now, is different. Our situation is different. My situation is different. ((Sigh))

So I talked to Summer about it while we were eating dinner at Mark's.

"He doesn't even work that much! I mean...you guys should be fine. Just ask to work at a different bar." Summer said.

"True..."

I mean, he does only work like 2 or 3 days a week. So, I might just be freaking out about nothing. But next time Brandon and I hang out, I'm definitely gonna mention it to him. Because this is really important to me. My job, and my relationship with Brandon are important to me. And I don't want either one affecting the other in a negative way. Not again.

But I might just be getting ahead of myself. I haven't even heard from Mark yet. Hopefully he'll get back to me by tomorrow. Sooo...wish me luck!

Hope

So Friday was lots of fun! I went out to eat with Ben, Summer, Bethany and Tug before they went to work. Then I headed over to my old bar to meet up with Todd. When he arrived, he had his girlfriend, Laura, and 2 of her girlfriends with him: Kristin and Brittany. Kristin didn't do much talking, but Brittany was pretty cool. Brandon was working, so I made sure to say hello. We pretty much hit all the hot spots around Houston, including my current place of employment, and my old favorite spots. Todd said he's really looking forward to me and the girls coming to his game next month! He told me to bring my camera, cuz he's getting us sideline passes, and I can get a lot of good shots of him! Which would be awesome!! I can't wait!

I ended up getting a little bit too tipsy that night, so Todd had to drive me home. Brandon texted me around 3:30am and mentioned that he was going out to eat with Mark. So I told him to get me some pancakes. And he did! Lol, but I had already passed out, and didn't even hear my phone when he called. Oh well, he said he saved the pancakes for me.

Last night was Summer and Brandon's Dad's wedding. I was at work, of course, but Summer and Ben stopped in the say hello after the reception. I didn't see Brandon though. Although, Alyssa called me around 2:30 to tell me that he'd been up at the bar, hammered, with his roommate who I hate. And apparently, his roommate was talking mad shit about me! Just great...

I guess Greg mentioned something about Brandon and I hanging out, and Brandon's roommate said I was "delusional" and that there's no way we'd be getting back together. WTF does he know!? He's such an asshole, I can't stand that guy! I asked Greg what Brandon said, but Greg told me that Brandon wasn't even there when his roommate said that stuff, and even if he had been, he was pretty intoxicated. It's not like it was my idea for us to get back together! Whatever, I'm not worry about it. Brandon can hardly stand his roommate. He's always telling me what a lazy, good for nothing piece of crap he is, and how he's wrecked his car 4 times in the past month. It's ridiculous.

So this morning, er, this afternoon, when I woke up, I called Brandon. I didn't mention to him that I'd heard about last night. I just asked him how the wedding was, and how things went with his Dad. He said the wedding was great, and his Dad and him talked, and they agreed to try and communicate better in the future. So that's really great, I'm happy they're getting somewhere. He mentioned to me that he went up to my old bar afterwards, and that he doesn't remember most of it. I thought about asking him about his roommate, but I decided against it. I figured I'd just talk to him later, if at all, when he comes over for dinner. Speaking of which, neither one of us mentioned it on the phone. I mean, I didn't wanna say anything about it, and he seemed a little distracted at the time. He ended up having to get off the phone, because he said he needed to hurry up and return his tux before he got charged extra for it. So he said he'd call me back later.

He wouldn't stand me up for our date. It was his idea! And he knows this is sort of just a trial period for us. ((Sigh)) I guess I'm just feeling a little uneasy because of what his roommate said about me. Even though I shouldn't care, and Brandon supposedly can't remember anything, I just... I dunno. I hope I hear from him soon!

First Date...Again.

I have a date!

Brandon called me tonight around 10:30, he got sent home from work early cuz it was slow. We talked for a while. Then he asked me what I was doing this Sunday night. I said I had no idea.

"Well...do you wanna do something?" He asked.

"Something like what?"

I mentioned to him the other day that I wanted him to start planning things. Not necessarily expensive things, just things for us to actually go out and do!

"Ummm...I dunno. I'd have to think about that." He said.

"Well then you think of something, and when you do, I'll give you an answer." I said, coyly.

"Ok, how 'bout I cook for you? Annnnd we can get a movie out of a Redbox or something."

"Hmmm... Ok, well what are you gonna cook?" I asked, with a smile.

"What would you like me to cook?"

"Well, you can't go wrong with fish, cuz I love fish!"

"Fish, huh?"

"It's my favorite! So are you gonna cook at my place, or yours?"

"Well...I could cook at your place, if you'd like."

"Sounds perfect! I'll get the wine, and you make the dinner." I said.

"Ok then. Sounds like a...date!" He hesitated a little before saying "date", almost as if he wasn't sure I would go for it.

"Sounds like it!" I said, to reassure him.

Shortly after, I told him I needed to go practice piano, and I got off the phone with him.

But I'm excited about our date!

The only thing I'm wondering about is...is this gonna be like a First Date? Do First Date rules apply here? Would it be an appropriate time for me to kiss him? Because I wasn't really planning on doing that so soon, but get a little wine in me and who knows what I'll do! I mean, I definitely won't make the first move, but if he does, I'm gonna have to kiss him back! I mean, a little kissing can't hurt. Can it?

A Good Day

Taryn's birthday party was fun! I put on my sexy new dress, and my gold satin pumps, which matched perfectly, and headed out to the restaurant, feeling pretty damn good!

Brandon showed up shortly after I did, with Mr. S.'s brother, Anthony. I was surprised when he sat down next to me, instead of Anthony, since they're pretty much inseparable these days. Seriously, they play golf together like 3 days a week. Summer and Ben sat across from me at the table and we goofed off and talked for most of the dinner. Brandon was pretty quiet throughout dinner, but I assumed it was because he was sitting at the end of the table.

After we ate, we all headed over to my old bar, which is where most of the other people still work. Mr. S. gave us 2 free bottles, and we all made ourselves comfortable. After eating all that food, I wasn't really feeling up to drinking. I had a couple shots, and my stomach was already protesting. So I just took it easy. Bethany and Tug, Summer and Ben, and Ali all left early because they had work in the morning. So I hung out with Misty, and Sheila.

At one point, I noticed Brandon talking to some girl. It was obvious that they knew each other. She wasn't pretty or anything, and I could tell he wasn't into her, but she kept touching his hair, (which was in a ponytail because he really needs a haircut!) which I thought was a little weird. So I walked right past them and out the front door. I contemplated leaving, cuz I was kind of bored, and Brandon was ignoring me, but I ran into Gavin outside and stopped to chat with him. That was when Brandon walked outside. I could tell he was hurrying out to see if I'd left. But he practically stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me standing there with Gavin.

It was weird, because I didn't even think he'd noticed me leave, but apparently he was paying closer attention to me than I thought. Which is a dynamic that's different for us, but I think I like it. So I decided to stay, and went back inside.

When the bar closed, a smaller group of us went back to Mr. S.'s house. I left my car in the parking lot at the bar, and drove Anthony's car, with him and a few others in the back. Anthony was definitely too drunk to drive.

So we hung out at Mr. S.'s place for a while, and then I asked Brandon if he'd be able to drive me back to my car when he left. And he said sure. So, around 4:30, everyone left Mr. S.'s house. When Brandon and I got to my car I asked him what he was gonna do.

"I guess I'm just gonna go home."

"Wanna come over?" I asked. I couldn't resist.

He hesitated. "Ummm..."

"It's a simple question. You can say no." I said, smiling at his nervousness.

"Ok. I'll come over. " He said, nodding.

So he followed me back to my place. I let him stay in my bed this time, but nothing happened! We just laid there and talked for a really long time. I explained to him that I just wanted us to be really open and honest going into this, because I want him to be clear about what my expectations are. I don't want us to repeat our mistakes over and over again. And he agreed, and he said he's gonna try not to be so distant, and be more open with me about his feelings. Eventually we fell asleep. This afternoon, I woke up to Brandon's arm around me. :) It was such a wonderful feeling.

When we got up, we decided to go get breakfast/lunch/dinner, at our old spot, Chili's. Hehe. We stayed there for a long time too, talking. And I told him that even though I wanted us to take things slow, I expected him to actually court me, and that I didn't want us to just slip back into our old routine.

Then we talked about other stuff, our lives, jobs, etc. His dad is getting married this Saturday, and he's pretty nervous about seeing him since they have so many unresolved issues. He's also planning to move out of that house he's been living in. He's moving back in with his grandparents. Which, I do think is pretty lame, but I absolutely hate that roommate of his. He's a lazy asshole, and a bad influence, and anything is better than Brandon living with him. Plus, he said he's trying to save money, and he doesn't want to rent anymore. He wants to save up and buy his own place. So I can respect that.

After we ate, he actually opened the car door for me! I think it's cuz I made some comment earlier about chivalry being dead. ;)

I sent him a text after he left that said, "Thanks for taking me to breakfast/lunch/dinner!"

And he said, "No problem. It was fun and good to get some things out. Thanks for listening."

And I said, "Anytime."

I think, so far, things are going really well between us.

Even though, I'm not gonna lie, I wanted to kiss him sooooo badly this morning! But I resisted the urge. I don't wanna ruin a good thing.

Earlier, I was reading through some of my old blogs, and I realized that exactly a year ago today, Brandon and I met for the first time. :)

What are the chances?

Birthdays and Lawsuits.

Last night, Sierra invited me to hang out with her and Sheila, 2 waitress/bartenders from my last job. They were meeting up at my old bar. So I went up there to meet them, and there was Brandon, with another one of my old coworkers, Tom. Melissa had a friend staying in town with her for the weekend, so it ended up being the 6 of us for the night. And we had a lot of fun actually. We found a chill, low key spot to hang out, and posted up there for the night. I was a little nervous at first, because Brandon was drinking, but he was taking it easy, and everything was cool. I wanna say it's almost as if things have gone back to the way they were, with Brandon and I, except that we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. But we still talk, and joke and laugh, and enjoy each other's company. It just never goes any further than that. No pressure. It's kinda nice actually. I didn't think it could possibly be this easy.

At the end of the night, we all ended up back at my old bar, since we all took one car. And we were just sort of hanging out while it was closing up. I could tell Brandon didn't wanna leave until I was ready to leave. And to be honest, I didn't wanna leave unless he was leaving. So were kinda just there, in limbo for a while. But it was cool. Gavin was there, working, and we were all just kind of bullshitting.

Then finally, I said I was ready to call it a night. So we all walked outside.

"Hey, are you going to Taryn's party tomorrow?" Brandon asked as I reached my car.

"Yea, of course. Are you??" I asked. I was surprised he even knew about it.

"Yea I mean, some of my friends are going, and they invited me so...I was thinking I'd go."

"Oh. Ok well then I guess I'll see you tomorrow." I got in my car and drove off.

While I was driving home, Brandon called me. I guess he just wanted to chat while he drove.

"You're ok to drive, right?" I asked, recalling all the beers he'd had.

"Yea, I'm fine. I just...gotta go home, cuz I'm playing golf tomorrow and I took my clubs out of my car so, I don't have any of my stuff."

It was so weird hearing him say that, cuz that's something he would have said when we were together, after I asked him if he was staying the night. Except I hadn't asked him if he was staying the night. But maybe he thought I wanted him to. And I kinda did. But I'm sticking to my rules.

"Ok..." I said.

We talked until I pulled into my apartment complex. Then I told him I was home and letting him go. And that was it!

He sent me a text a few minutes later that said he just wanted to let me know that he made it home, and goodnight.

Maybe we can be friends. I mean, I realize this is totally not a normal friendship, because there's that anticipation there. It's like we both know where it's gonna lead eventually, we just...don't know how long it'll take us to get there. But I kind of like it that way. It adds excitement, and mystery. And we're hanging out in groups, instead of just the 2 of us, so it's really casual.

Tonight is gonna be super fun! A huge group is meeting at this super nice restaurant for Taryn's birthday. And then we're going out for drinks afterwards. I got this amazing dress to wear! It's not too dressy, but it's cute, and sexy, and perfect for dinner and cocktails. I can't wait to wear it! And Brandon's gonna be there, so he'll actually get to see me in it!!

So lately, I've been so busy blogging about Brandon, that I haven't really had a chance to talk much about work. Things were getting a lot better for a while, but in the last week, it's taken a major nosedive. I HATE Justin, the main guy who runs the place. He's such a cocky asshole. He's one of those people who feels like they have to control everyone around them, and I can't stand that. He treats all his employees like they're his subjects!

On top of that, they take money out of our tips every night to pay the managers, which is illegal! And now they keep giving me all these really shitty shifts. I'm only working one day this week! At 10 o'clock! I can't afford to work four hours a week! How the hell am I supposed to pay my bills!? So I'm already looking for a new job. And as soon as I find one, I'm gonna slap Justin with a lawsuit! That's right. I've already spoken to a lawyer about them stealing money from us, and I can totally win. And it's not even about the money, it's about the fact that they treat all of us bartenders, especially me, like we're so easily replaceable, and they don't give a shit about us! And that's not fair, or right. So I'm getting even. Plus, I figure, at least this way, I'll be helping out Bethany, and Summer, and Tara. I'm really gonna miss working with them though. :(

The good news is, because I'm off so many days this week, I get to hang out with Todd! He's getting in town tonight. It's their biweek or something like that, so he doesn't have a game this weekend. AND Jenna's coming in town too. She's staying with me this weekend and all 3 of us are going out Friday. I'm just gonna have to be really frugal! But I can do it. My bills for this month are already paid.

Well, I gotta go hit the gym and the shower and start getting ready for Taryn's party! Wish me luck~!

Fresh Start

We talked. I laid out everything for him. I asked him if he was still considering getting back together.

He said yes.

So I told him that I wanted to take it really slow and get to know each other better as friends, because I can't trust him with my heart right now. And I told him I'd be willing to put the past behind me, and forgive him, if and only if, he would completely stop talking to those 2 girls. And he said ok.

Simple as that.

"Ok."

I almost can't believe he agreed to it so readily.

Bethany says that means he cares a lot more about me than them. I guess she's right.

I asked him about the girls. I didn't tell him I went through his phone, but I asked him about them. What his relationship was with them. He said he spent some time with them, got to know them and "they're nobody". Those were his exact words.

"They're nobody."

((Sigh))

So. Here we go.

I realized that I really don't know how to be Brandon's friend. But I want to learn. And I want him to learn how to be mine.

After our conversation, Brandon said he needed to go, had errands to run, etc. But then he stayed another 20 minutes. Said he had to go again...stayed another 20 minutes. It was obvious that he didn't want to leave. But I had errands to run too, so we both left at the same time. He gave me a hug goodbye and that was it.

As for everything else...I like to think that I'm starting fresh.

And on that note, let me just lay down the law here for a second.

When I write this blog, I'm writing for brain clarity, reflection, venting, enjoyment...lots of reasons. But keep in mind, these are MY THOUGHTS. And obviously, they're not always pure, or right, and obviously not everyone is going to agree with them. And feel free to disagree! But don't judge. No one has that right.

Because when this blog stops being enjoyable, I'll stop writing.

I Snooped And I Don't Feel Bad About It!

((Sigh)) So Brandon is passed out on my couch right now, and I am in my room, in bed, typing this post.

Let's start from the beginning...

Our group was supposed to go out on the boat today, but it was raining this morning, so instead we all went up to my old bar to watch football. I did a thorough drive through of the parking lot before going inside, and Brandon's car wasn't there, so I felt reassured. But then, as soon as I walked inside, there he was, in the DJ booth, doing sound for the game. So I tried my best to avoid him. But then Summer showed up, and brought him over to the table. It was a little weird, but I tried to act nonchalant. We ended up leaving shortly after that to go to Buffalo Wild Wings, and Brandon couldn't go, obviously, because he was working. But while we're there, he's texting me. Asking what I'm doing, etc. Hours and hours have gone by, keep this in mind.

Me, Tara, Hot Dereck, Summer, Ben, and Mark (Bethany was working at her other job) met up to watch the game around 3ish, and got to BW3's around 9ish. So after that, we went over to Summer's place to kill some time before heading back out. Tonight was Hot Dereck's brothers birthday, so we had plans to meet up with him later. So while we're at Summers, Brandon is still texting me to find out what's going on. Apparently by this time, he was off work, but just hanging out there and drinking. So Summer tells him to meet us at our next destination. Well we get there, and Brandon shows up and he's hammered! I mean, DANGER ZONE hammered. And I'm like, "Oh shit..."

So I immediately tell Summer and Tara how fucked up he is, and this can't be good, and I probably shouldn't be around him because he gets out of control. But Tara was like, "No, stay, stay, maybe we can get him to leave."

So I stayed.

Then Brandon starts to say something to me, and he's shouting in my ear! And I'm like, "Whoa! Calm down!"

"It's loud in here!" He shouts.

"I know, but you don't have to shout when you're that close to me!" I shout back.

So then he leans over and whispers something to me, just to be a smartass. Then he he says, "Oh did you need me to repeat that?!"

And he whispers it again.

This happens about 4 times.

On the 5th, I push him away from me.

"Ok..." I start to say, pulling away cuz I'm getting fed up with his drunk ass, but he grabs my arm and pulls me back.

I shook him off me and walked away.

"I'm leaving." I said to Summer and Tara and I brusquely walked out of the bar.

Then I hear Tara yelling after me. I turn around and see Brandon and Summer both behind me. I keep walking, faster.

"WAIT! I'll walk with you, just wait!" Tara calls. So I pause to wait.

"Are you ok? What happened?" She asked.

"I'm fine, I just wanted to get out of there before that situation turned nasty. I knew this would happen."

"I'm sorry your night was ruined." She said, with a sad face.

"My night wasn't ruined, I had fun with you guys all day! I just know where that would have led, and I don't feel like dealing with it."

We talked as we walked to my car, and then I drove her back to the bar.

"Call me if you need anything." She said as she got out.

I really do love Tara. I mean I've only known her for a couple weeks, but she's a totally awesome girl, and a great friend. And Dereck is so sweet to her! I'm really happy for them.

ANYWAYS, so I drive off, and then Brandon texts me.

"Come back please!!"

"No. You're wasted, and being a dick, and I don't feel like dealing with it."

"I'm not trying to be a dick! You just ran off."

"I did not just run off. You're too drunk, and I don't feel like dealing with your shit right now."

This went on until I got to my apartment.

"Look, we need to have an actual conversation, and not tonight. When you're sober. CALL ME tomorrow. If I don't hear from you then...I guess that's it." I finally said.

Just when I thought he had given up, he texted me again.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to be an asshole. Where are you?"

"At home."

"I want to see you."

"You don't know where I live and you're too drunk to even be driving."

"Whatever, let me know and I'll be there!! Try me, and I'm not that drunk."

"Yes you are. You should have let Summer and Ben take you home."

"Whatever, if you give me the address, I'll be there."

"Why do you want to come over here?"

"I want to if you want me to...?"

"I'm not playing games with you Brandon. Why do you want to come over here?"

"What is your address!"

"[My address]"

I caved. This had better be good.

When he finally showed up, he was still drunk, of course.

"So...what did you wanna come over here for?" I asked.

He paced around my apartment, making comments on how big it is, and looking at stuff. It was weird. Seeing him in my apartment. He was stalling.

"I can't talk to you now. I can't. I'll just go."

"You were so insistent upon coming over here, just so you could leave!?" I asked.

"Well I can't talk right now, I've had too much to drink."

"I know! That's why I told you to call me tomorrow!"

He sighed.

"I'll just go outside and pass out in my car.

"No. You'll be too tempted to drive." I said.

"Well then let me just sleep on your couch, and I promise I'll be here in the morning, and we'll talk."

I stood in front of the door for a long while. I can't believe this is happening.

"Fine." I said, "But you better not go anywhere."

"I won't. I promise." He held out his hand. I shook it. He held on longer than was necessary and I pulled away.

"Goodnight." I said, went into my room and closed the door.

((Sigh))

I also stole his phone, so that he couldn't leave in the middle of the night. Then I went through all his text messages and found the 2 slores he'd been talking to. I know, that's totally psycho of me, but whatever. There were two of them! And I thought there was only one!!! Beth, and Stephanie. WHORES! And they both call him babe all the time, and one of them even went to one of his golf tournaments. Sounds like a little more than a casual fling to me. As soon as I read them, I stormed out of my room, with full intentions of strangling a confession out of him if I had to. But he was passed out cold on my couch. And I had forgotten how peaceful he looks when he sleeps. So....sweet. I used to sit and watch him sleep sometimes. ((Sigh)) So I lost all my resolution and went back to my room. Then I deleted every single text from both of those girls, AND their phone numbers!!

If his intentions are to try and get back together with me, he won't be needing their numbers anyway. And if that's not his intention, well then I don't really give a fuck! Ugh...

I really wish I knew who these girls were. It's Bethany's fault I looked through his phone anyway. I was on the phone with her and she asked me if I had looked at his text messages. I hadn't even thought about it until she said something. ((Sigh))

I just don't know what I'm gonna do. I mean, it's not like he cheated on me or anything. We're not together. We haven't been for almost 2 months. And if he likes to date 19287523 whores at a time that's his prerogative. But he sure is hell isn't gonna get back in with me while he's doing it!

I've decided to tell him that I think we should take it really slow, and try to develop a pretty solid friendship before we do anything else, and just build from there. BUT!!!! Only under the condition that he stops talking to those sluts. Because otherwise I'll never be able to trust him. And I'm not gonna try being his friend for my health! There's a lot of history, a lot of hurt that I have to get past in order to do that, and if I'm gonna set aside my feelings, and forgive him, then he's gonna give up his slores! END OF STORY!

I've gone in the living room to check on him twice now. He's still there. Fast asleep. I kind of wish he was in my bed. But, I'm standing firm on this one. And I think I'm doing the right thing.

So in the morning, he and I will talk. And tomorrow night, I'll write.

The Right Thing To Do

I slept all day for the past 2 days. I didn't eat, or leave the house, except to go to work. I would wake up from time to time, let the dog out, feed him, and then just go back to bed. Because when I was wake, I was being haunted by my thoughts. And sleep was the only peaceful thing I could do to pass the time.

Today, I got up at 5:30 to start getting ready for work, and as soon as I got out of the shower, I had a text message from Brandon.

"Just wanted to say hi!"

"Really. Tell your slore I said what's up." I responded, sardonically.

"I'm at my sister's place." He said, "Summer says hi."

I didn't respond.

"Anyways, ok I guess I will leave u alone." He wrote.

"Don't say that. I was hoping you could tell me about your latest sexual conquest." I wrote back. I couldn't help myself.

"Well lets see, I woke up, with nobody next to me, went to the gym and came over to my sister's place to drop off something! Now I'm talking to you. That's my day." He said.

"Hmmm sounds nice. Last night, I went home with a 45 year old man. Aside from his beer gut and hairy back, the sex was GREAT!"

I couldn't contain my bitter sarcasm anymore at this point. Obviously I did NOT go home with a 45 year old last night, I just...wanted to prove a point.

"Well that's great to know!!" He said.

"Isn't it though?? Gosh, this is definitely the beginning of a great friendship! I can already tell!!"

"I'm trying to be your friend, but you're not letting me."

"Friendship requires respect. Maybe you should try looking at the situation from my POV. I mean, who are you trying to fool, Brandon? You don't really want to be my friend."

"I'm not trying to fool anybody! And I do want to be your friend." He argued.

"Well I don't know what I want. I'm scared of you." I said.

"You should not be scared of me, Peyton! I'm not a monster!"

"Really? Then what are you?"

"I'm Brandon."

"And that's exactly why I'm scared of you."

"I'm sorry!"

"Shouldn't you be worried that your new slore won't like you talking to me anyways?"

"No, I'm not worried about that. She's not my girlfriend. Slores, or whores don't care about that crap!"

"Right. What was I thinking? And here I thought you had more self respect than that."

"I do!"

"Then how could you jump into bed with some slut when we've only been broken up for like 6 weeks? How could you do that? How could you just forget about me so quickly."

"I never forgot about you. And the way things went with us, I figured you were long gone!"

"Long gone?? Like it even would've made a difference!"

"I think it would have, but since I said all those things to you...I figured I messed up too much!"

"So what are you saying?? That you would have wanted to get back together??"

"Yea, I have given it some thought but I did a lot of damage to you."

"What do you think this is a game??? Why would you say those things if you didn't mean them, and if you meant what you said, then why would you want to be with someone you had so little respect for?"

"I respected you, I'm not taking back what I said, you just took my words the wrong way!"

"((Sigh)) Well now I need to know what tense we're speaking in, Brandon. How do you feel NOW."

He didn't respond for like 5 minutes. Then finally:

"I have to work right now. I will talk with you later."

I didn't respond. But when I got to work, Summer told me she asked him if he would get back together with me, and he said yea, but he doesn't think I'll ever forgive him. Or something along those lines.

((Sigh))

My head is reeling. I don't even know how to process all this information. And I don't know when this conversation of ours is going to take place, and I have NO idea what I'm going to say, or what he's going to say.... What if he does wanna get back together? Should I??? I mean, I know I want to. I'm still in love with him. I always have been. But...I can't bear to be put through this again. It's slowly killing me. And I mean...he slept with someone else!! I can't easily forget about that! I'm doing everything in my power right now to not find out who she is and put her on TheDirty! And I dunno if he's right for me, I just...don't know!

All I know is, I love him, and I miss him terribly, and I've been really unhappy since we broke up. But he's the reason I'm unhappy! And I can't just forget about everything that happened!

UGh....

I already know what you all are going to say. Don't get back together with him. He's done this too many times, he'll just do it again. I know, I know, I know! Because logic is already telling me all those things. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do the right thing. Especially when I honestly don't know what the right thing to do is.

Can't Move Forward

I saw him last night. I went home, and I cried. It was pouring down rain. REalllly hard. Then he texted me. Said it was "good to see me" even though I "want nothing to do with him".

We ended up talking on the phone. Till like 6:30am. He said he wants to be friends. And that he still cares about me. He told me he's sorry for everything he said to me that hurt my feelings. Oh, and he's fucking some new girl. And he doesn't want to get back together. He made sure to tell me that wasn't the purpose of his phone call.

I cried myself to sleep. Woke up around 2pm. Cried some more. Went back to sleep. I finally got up at 7pm. Figure I should start getting ready for work soon. I don't wanna be around anyone. I don't wanna talk to anyone. I don't wanna see anyone. I just wanna stay in bed. Forever.

Guess Who's Coming To Town?

Wow, I can't believe it's already October! And it's also my first weekend night off since I started the new job. So I definitely have plans to hit the town tonight!

Last Sunday, me, Summer, Bethany, Tara (bartender from my new job) and the boys went out on the boat again. It was a blast as always. This Sunday will be our last trip out before Mark retires the boat for the season. :( Sad day... But I'm looking forward to it! I didn't get to wakeboard last week, cuz Ben fell and landed on my ankle while we were on the boat, and I ended up limping for 2 days after that. So obviously, there was no way I was gonna strap my foot into a wakeboard boot. But I'm looking forward to giving it my best shot this Sunday.

So here's some interesting news... Emma is moving back to Houston. This week. From Europe. On the one hand, I'm glad, cuz you know, I never get to see her, but on the other hand, it seems like she and I get along best when we don't live near each other. And she always gets pissy and pouty if I don't invite here everywhere with me, and frankly, it's really annoying. Not only that, but she expects me to let her stay with me until she finds a place to stay. And I am soooo not okay with that. I like living alone. And I don't really like the idea of someone intruding on my space. But she's kind of giving me a guilt trip about it. And it's not like she doesn't have a place to stay, she just doesn't wanna go to her step dads house, cuz they don't really get alone. ((Sigh)) So we'll see what happens.

Todd is coming home next weekend! I'm gonna try to get Friday off so we can go out. Jenna's gonna be in town too! So it should be a good night. Assuming, I can get off work.

Me, Summer, Tara and Bethany have been planning a trip to go to one of Todd's games in about a month. I'm really excited because he's gonna stay in town there for an extra day so we can all hang out. He even offered to pay for our hotel room! It's gonna be so much fun! We need to buy our plane tickets soon though!

Well, I've got a piano lesson in like 20 minutes, so I better go. I'll let you guys know if anything exciting happens tonight. And I really hope it does!!!